Book: Comic History of England

B >> Bill Nye >> Comic History of England



[Illustration: LANDING OF THE ROMANS 54 B.C.]



Bill Nye's

Comic History of England



HEREIN WILL BE FOUND A RECITAL OF THE MANY EVENTFUL EVENTS WHICH
TRANSPIRED IN ENGLAND FROM THE DRUIDS TO HENRY VIII. THE AUTHOR DOES NOT
FEEL IT INCUMBENT ON HIM TO PRESERVE MORE THAN THE DATES AND FACTS, AND
THESE ARE CORRECT, BUT THE LIGHTS AND SHADES OF THE VARIOUS PICTURES AND
THE ORNAMENTAL WORDS FURNISHED TO ADORN THE CHARACTERS AND EVENTS ARE
THE SOLE INVENTION OF THIS HISTORIAN.


[Illustration: KING RICHARD TRAVELING INCOG. THROUGH GERMANY.]


ILLUSTRATED BY

W.W. GOODES & A.M. RICHARDS



1896




PREFACE.


The readers of this volume will share our regret that the preface cannot
be written by Mr. Nye, who would have introduced his volume with a
characteristically appropriate and humorous foreword in perfect harmony
with the succeeding narrative.

We need only say that this work is in the author's best vein, and will
prove not only amusing, but instructive as well; for the events,
successions, dates, etc., are correct, and the trend of actual facts is
adhered to. Of course, these facts are "embellished," as Mr. Nye would
say, by his fancy, and the leading historical characters are made to
play in fantastic _roles_. Underneath all, however, a shrewd knowledge
of human nature is betrayed, which unmasks motives and reveals the true
inwardness of men and events with a humorous fidelity.

The unfortunate illness to which Mr. Nye finally succumbed prevented the
completion of his history beyond the marriage of Henry VIII. to Anne
Boleyn.

[Illustration: LANDING OF WILLIAM, PRINCE OF ORANGE, AT TORBAY
(1688).]



TABLE OF CONTENTS.


CHAPTER I.

INVASION OF CAESAR: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF
BRITAIN

CHAPTER II.

THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES: THEIR GROWTH, DEGENERATION, AND FINAL
ELIMINATION

CHAPTER III.

THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE REHABILITATION OF
BRITAIN ON NEW LINES

CHAPTER IV.

THE INFLUX OF THE DANES: FACTS SHOWING CONCLUSIVELY THEIR INFLUENCE ON
THE BRITON OF TO-DAY

CHAPTER V.

THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES: DEMONSTRATING A SHORT REIGN FOR THOSE WHO
TRAVEL AT A ROYAL GAIT

CHAPTER VI.

THE DANISH OLIGARCHY: DISAFFECTIONS ATTENDING CHRONIC USURPATION
PROCLIVITIES

CHAPTER VII.

OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS: FOREIGN FOIBLES INTRODUCED, ONLY TO BE
EXPUNGED WITH CHARACTERISTIC PUGNACITY

CHAPTER VIII.

THE NORMAN CONQUEST: COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF FACETIOUS ACCORD AND
IMPLACABLE DISCORD

CHAPTER IX.

THE FEUDAL SYSTEM: SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR
RESTRICTING INCOMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES

CHAPTER X.

THE AGE OF CHIVALRY: LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS,
FOOLS, PRELATES, AND OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD

CHAPTER XI

CONQUEST OF IRELAND: UNCOMFORTABLE EFFECTS FOLLOWING THE CULTIVATION OF
AN ACQUISITORIAL PROPENSITY

CHAPTER XII.

MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED: SLIGHT DIFFICULTIES ENCOUNTERED IN OVERCOMING
AN UNPOPULAR AND UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE

CHAPTER XIII.

FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED: ILLUSTRATING THE AMIABILITY OF THE JEW
AND THE PERVERSITY OF THE SCOT

CHAPTER XIV.

IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH: INTERMINABLE DISSENSION, ASSISTED BY THE
PLAGUE, CONTINUES REDUCING THE POPULATION

CHAPTER XV.

MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS: ONWARD MARCH OF CIVILIZATION GRAPHICALLY
DELINEATED WITH THE HISTORIAN'S USUAL COMPLETENESS

CHAPTER XVI.

UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY: INTRODUCTION OF PRINTING AS A SUBSIDIARY
AID IN THE PROGRESS OF EMANCIPATION

CHAPTER XVII.

BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III.: BEING AN ALLEGORICAL PANEGYRIC OF THE
INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHINATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER

CHAPTER XVIII.

DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD: GENERAL ADMIXTURE OF PRETENDERS,
RELIGION, POLITICS, AND DISGRUNTLED MONARCHS




[Illustration: THE DEATH OF MARY REVIVED THE HOPES OF THE
FRIENDS OF JAMES II., AND CONSPIRACIES WERE FORMED.]

[Illustration: DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.]

[Illustration: GEORGE FOX.]

[Illustration: GENERAL BANKRUPTCY AND RUIN FOLLOWED THE CLOSING OF THE
EXCHEQUER OR TREASURY BY CHARLES II. (1672).]

[Illustration: CHARLES II.]

[Illustration: DUKE OF MONMOUTH IMPLORING FORGIVENESS OF JAMES II.
(1685).]



CHAPTER I.


INVASION OF CAESAR: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF
BRITAIN.


[Illustration: BUST OF CAESAR.]

From the glad whinny of the first unicorn down to the tip end of the
nineteenth century, the history of Great Britain has been dear to her
descendants in every land, 'neath every sky.

But to write a truthful and honest history of any country the historian
should, that he may avoid overpraise and silly and mawkish sentiment,
reside in a foreign country, or be so situated that he may put on a
false moustache and get away as soon as the advance copies have been
sent to the printers.

The writer of these pages, though of British descent, will, in what he
may say, guard carefully against permitting that fact to swerve him for
one swift moment from the right.

England even before Christ, as now, was a sort of money centre, and
thither came the Phoenicians and the Carthaginians for their tin.

[Illustration: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN IN BRITAIN.]

[Illustration: CAESAR CROSSING THE CHANNEL.]

These early Britons were suitable only to act as ancestors. Aside from
that, they had no good points. They dwelt in mud huts thatched with
straw. They had no currency and no ventilation,--no drafts, in other
words. Their boats were made of wicker-work plastered with clay. Their
swords were made of tin alloyed with copper, and after a brief skirmish,
the entire army had to fall back and straighten its blades.

They also had short spears made with a rawhide string attached, so that
the deadly weapon could be jerked back again. To spear an enemy with
one of these harpoons, and then, after playing him for half an hour or
so, to land him and finish him up with a tin sword, constituted one of
the most reliable boons peculiar to that strange people.

[Illustration: CAESAR TREATING WITH THE BRITONS.]

Caesar first came to Great Britain on account of a bilious attack. On
the way across the channel a violent storm came up. The great emperor
and pantata believed he was drowning, so that in an instant's time
everything throughout his whole lifetime recurred to him as he went
down,--especially his breakfast.

Purchasing a four-in-hand of docked unicorns, and much improved in
health, he returned to Rome.

Agriculture had a pretty hard start among these people, and where now
the glorious fields of splendid pale and billowy oatmeal may be seen
interspersed with every kind of domestic and imported fertilizer in
cunning little hillocks just bursting forth into fragrance by the
roadside, then the vast island was a quaking swamp or covered by
impervious forests of gigantic trees, up which with coarse and shameless
glee would scamper the nobility.

(Excuse the rhythm into which I may now and then drop as the plot
develops.--AUTHOR.)

Caesar later on made more invasions: one of them for the purpose of
returning his team and flogging a Druid with whom he had disagreed
religiously on a former trip. (He had also bought his team of the
Druid.)

The Druids were the sheriffs, priests, judges, chiefs of police,
plumbers, and justices of the peace.

[Illustration: PLOUGHING 51 B.C.]

They practically ran the place, and no one could be a Druid who could
not pass a civil service examination.

[Illustration: DRUID SACRIFICES.]

They believed in human sacrifice, and often of a bright spring morning
could have been seen going out behind the bush to sacrifice some one who
disagreed with them on some religious point or other.

The Druids largely lived in the woods in summer and in debt during the
winter. They worshipped almost everything that had been left out
overnight, and their motto was, "Never do anything unless you feel like
it very much indeed."

Caesar was a broad man from a religious point of view, and favored
bringing the Druids before the grand jury. For uttering such sentiments
as these the Druids declared his life to be forfeit, and set one of
their number to settle also with him after morning services the question
as to the matter of immersion and sound money.

Religious questions were even then as hotly discussed as in later times,
and Caesar could not enjoy society very much for five or six days.

[Illustration: MONUMENT OF AGRICULTURE, OR ANCIENT SCARECROW.]

At Stonehenge there are still relics of a stone temple which the Druids
used as a place of idolatrous worship and assassination. On Giblet Day
people came for many miles to see the exercises and carry home a few
cutlets of intimate friends.

After this Rome sent over various great Federal appointees to soften and
refine the people. Among them came General Agricola with a new kind of
seed-corn and kindness in his heart.

[Illustration: AGRICOLA ENCOURAGES AGRICULTURE.]

He taught the barefooted Briton to go out to the pump every evening and
bathe his chapped and soil-kissed feet and wipe them on the grass before
retiring, thus introducing one of the refinements of Rome in this cold
and barbaric clime.

Along about the beginning of the Christian "Erie," says an elderly
Englishman, the Queen Boadicea got so disgusted with the Romans who
carried on there in England just as they had been in the habit of doing
at home,--cutting up like a hallowe'en party in its junior year,--that
she got her Britons together, had a steel dress made to fight in
comfortably and not tight under the arms, then she said, "Is there any
one here who hath a culverin with him?" One was soon found and fired.
This by the Romans was regarded as an opening of hostilities. Her fire
was returned with great eagerness, and victory was won in the city of
London over the Romans, who had taunted the queen several times with
being seven years behind the beginning of the Christian Era in the
matter of clothes.

[Illustration: ROMAN COAT OF ARMS.]

Boadicea won victories by the score, and it is said that under the besom
of her wrath seventy thousand Roman warriors kissed the dust. As she
waved her sceptre in token of victory the hat-pin came out of her crown,
and wildly throwing the "old hot thing" at the Roman general, she missed
him and unhorsed her own chaperon.

Disgusted with war and the cooking they were having at the time, she
burst into tears just on the eve of a general victory over the Romans
and poisoned herself.

[Illustration: DEATH OF BOADICEA.]

N.B.--Many thanks are due to the author, Mr. A. Barber, for the use of
his works entitled "Half-Hours with Crowned Heads" and "Thoughts on
Shaving Dead People on Whom One Has Never Called," cloth, gilt top.

I notice an error in the artist's work which will be apparent to any one
of moderate intelligence, and especially to the Englishman,--viz., that
the tin discovered by the Phoenicians is in the form of cans, etc.,
formerly having contained tinned meats, fruits, etc. This book, I fear,
will be sharply criticised in England if any inaccuracy be permitted to
creep in, even through the illustrations. It is disagreeable to fall out
thus early with one's artist, but the writer knows too well, and the
sting yet burns and rankles in his soul where pierced the poisoned dart
of an English clergyman two years ago. The writer had spoken of Julius
Caesar's invasion of Britain for the purpose of replenishing the Roman
stock of umbrellas, top-coats, and "loydies," when the clergyman said,
politely but very firmly, "that England then had no top-coats or
umbrellas." The writer would not have cared, had there not been others
present.



CHAPTER II.


THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES: THEIR GROWTH, DEGENERATION, AND FINAL
ELIMINATION.


Agricola no doubt made the Roman yoke easier upon the necks of the
conquered people, and suggested the rotation of crops. He also invaded
Caledonia and captured quite a number of Scotchmen, whom he took home
and domesticated.

Afterwards, in 121 A.D., the emperor Hadrian was compelled to build a
wall to keep out the still unconquered Caledonians. This is called the
"Picts' Wall," and a portion of it still exists. Later, in 208 A.D.,
Severus built a solid wall of stone along this line, and for seventy
years there was peace between the two nations.

Towards the end of the third century Carausius, who was appointed to the
thankless task of destroying the Saxon pirates, shook off his allegiance
to the emperor Diocletian, joined the pirates and turned out Diocletian,
usurping the business management of Britain for some years. But, alas!
he was soon assassinated by one of his own officers before he could
call for help, and the assassin succeeded him. In those days
assassination and inauguration seemed to go hand-in-hand.

[Illustration: ASSASSINATION OF CARAUSIUS.]

After Constantius, who died 306 A.D., came Constantine the Great, his
son by a British princess.

Under Constantine peace again reigned, but the Irish, who desired to
free Ireland even if they had to go abroad and neglect their business
for that purpose, used to invade Constantine's territory, getting him up
at all hours of the night and demanding that he should free Ireland.

These men were then called Picts, hence the expression "picked men."
They annoyed Constantine by coming over and trying to introduce Home
Rule into the home of the total stranger.

The Scots also made turbulent times by harassing Constantine and seeking
to introduce their ultra-religious belief at the muzzle of the crossgun.

Trouble now came in the latter part of the fourth century A.D., caused
by the return of the regular Roman army, which went back to Rome to
defend the Imperial City from the Goths who sought to "stable their
stock in the palace of the Caesars," as the historian so tersely puts
it.

[Illustration: THE PICTS INCULCATING HOME RULE PRINCIPLES.]

In 418 A.D., the Roman forces came up to London for the summer, and
repelled the Scots and Picts, but soon returned to Rome, leaving the
provincial people of London with disdain. Many of the Roman officers
while in Britain had their clothes made in Rome, and some even had their
linen returned every thirty days and washed in the Tiber.

[Illustration: IRRITABILITY OF THE BARBARIAN.]

In 446 A.D., the Britons were extremely unhappy. "The barbarians throw
us into the sea and the sea returns us to the barbarians," they
ejaculated in their petition to the conquering Romans. But the latter
were too busy fighting the Huns to send troops, and in desperation the
Britons formed an alliance with Hengist and Horsa, two Saxon travelling
men who, in 449 A.D., landed on the island of Thanet, and thus ended the
Roman dominion over Britain.

[Illustration: LANDING OF HENGIST AND HORSA.]

The Saxons were at that time a coarse people. They did not allow
etiquette to interfere with their methods of taking refreshment, and,
though it pains the historian at all times to speak unkindly of his
ancestors who have now passed on to their reward, he is compelled to
admit that as a people the Saxons may be truly characterized as a great
National Appetite.

During the palmy days when Rome superintended the collecting of customs
and regulated the formation of corporations, the mining and smelting of
iron were extensively carried on and the "walking delegate" was
invented. The accompanying illustration shows an ancient strike.

[Illustration: DISCOMFORTS OF THE EARLY LABOR AGITATOR.]

Rome no doubt did much for England, for at that time the Imperial City
had 384 streets, 56,567 palaces, 80 golden statues, 2785 bronze statues
of former emperors and officers, 41 theatres, 2291 prisons, and 2300
perfumery stores. She was in the full flood of her prosperity, and had
about 4,000,000 inhabitants.

In those days a Roman Senator could not live on less than $80,000 per
year, and Marcus Antonius, who owed $1,500,000 on his inaugural, March
15, paid it up March 17, and afterwards cleared $720,000,000. This he
did by the strictest economy, which he managed to have attended to by
the peasantry.

Even a literary man in Rome could amass property, and Seneca died worth
$12,000,000. Those were the flush times in Rome, and England no doubt
was greatly benefited thereby; but, alas! "money matters became scarce,"
and the poor Briton was forced to associate with the delirium tremens
and massive digestion of the Saxon, who floated in a vast ocean of lard
and wassail during his waking hours and slept with the cunning little
piglets at night. His earthen floors were carpeted with straw and
frescoed with bones.

Let us not swell with pride as we refer to our ancestors, whose lives
were marked by an eternal combat between malignant alcoholism and
trichinosis. Many a Saxon would have filled a drunkard's grave, but
wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it.

[Illustration: THE SAXON IDEA OF HEAVEN.]

To drink from the skulls of their dead enemies was a part of their
religion, and there were no heretics among them.[A]

[Footnote A: The artist has very ably shown here a devoted little band
of Saxons holding services in a basement. In referring to it as
"abasement," not the slightest idea of casting contumely or obloquy on
our ancestors is intended by the humble writer of pungent but sometimes
unpalatable truth.]

Christianity was introduced into Britain during the second century, and
later under Diocletian the Christians were greatly persecuted.
Christianity did not come from Rome, it is said, but from Gaul. Among
the martyrs in those early days was St. Alban, who had been converted by
a fugitive priest. The story of his life and death is familiar.

The Bible had been translated, and in 314 A.D. Britain had three
Bishops, viz., of London, Lincoln, and York.



CHAPTER III.


THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES: CAUSES WHICH LED TO THE REHABILITATION OF
BRITAIN ON NEW LINES.


With the landing of Hengist and Horsa English history really begins, for
Caesar's capture of the British Isles was of slight importance viewed in
the light of fast-receding centuries. There is little to-day in the
English character to remind one of Caesar, who was a volatile and
epileptic emperor with massive and complicated features.

The rich warm blood of the Roman does not mantle in the cheek of the
Englishman of the present century to any marked degree. The Englishman,
aping the reserve and hauteur of Boston, Massachusetts, is, in fact, the
diametrical antipode of the impulsive, warm-hearted, and garlic-imbued
Roman who revels in assassination and gold ear-bobs.

The beautiful daughter of Hengist formed an alliance with Vortigern, the
royal foreman of Great Britain,--a plain man who was very popular in the
alcoholic set and generally subject to violent lucid intervals which
lasted until after breakfast; but the Saxons broke these up, it is said,
and Rowena encouraged him in his efforts to become his own worst enemy,
and after two or three patent-pails-full of wassail would get him to
give her another county or two, until soon the Briton saw that the Saxon
had a mortgage on the throne, and after it was too late, he said that
immigration should have been restricted.

[Illustration: ROWENA CAPTIVATES VORTIGERN.]

Kent became the first Saxon kingdom, and remained a powerful state for
over a century.

More Saxons now came, and brought with them yet other Saxons with yet
more children, dogs, vodka, and thirst. The breath of a Saxon in a
cucumber-patch would make a peck of pickles per moment.

The Angles now came also and registered at the leading hotels. They were
destined to introduce the hyphen on English soil, and plant the orchards
on whose ancestral branches should ultimately hang the Anglo-Saxon race,
the progenitors of the eminent aristocracy of America.

Let the haughty, purse-proud American--in whose warm life current one
may trace the unmistakable strains of bichloride of gold and
trichinae--pause for one moment to gaze at the coarse features and
bloodshot eyes of his ancestors, who sat up at nights drenching their
souls in a style of nepenthe that it is said would remove moths, tan,
freckles, and political disabilities.

[Illustration: ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT, PROCLAIMED "BRETWALDA."]

The seven states known as the Saxon Heptarchy were formed in the sixth
and seventh centuries, and the rulers of these states were called
"Bretwaldas," or Britain-wielders. Ethelbert, King of Kent, was
Bretwalda for fifty years, and liked it first-rate.

[Illustration: AUGUSTINE KINDLY RECEIVED BY ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT.]

A very good picture is given here showing the coronation of Ethelbert,
copied from an old tin-type now in the possession of an aged and
somewhat childish family in Philadelphia who descended from Ethelbert
and have made no effort to conceal it.

Here also the artist has shown us a graphic picture of Ethelbert
supported by his celebrated ingrowing moustache receiving Augustine.
They both seem pleased to form each other's acquaintance, and the
greeting is a specially appetizing one to the true lover of Art for
Art's sake.

For over one hundred and fifty years the British made a stubborn
resistance to the encroachments of these coarse people, but it was
ineffectual. Their prowess, along with a massive appetite and other hand
baggage, soon overran the land of Albion. Everywhere the rude warriors
of northern Europe wiped the dressing from their coarse red whiskers on
the snowy table-cloth of the Briton.

[Illustration: THEY WIPED THEIR COARSE RED WHISKERS ON THE SNOWY
TABLE-CLOTH.]

In West Wales, or Dumnonia, was the home of King Arthur, so justly
celebrated in song and story. Arthur was more interesting to the poet
than the historian, and probably as a champion of human rights and a
higher civilization should stand in that great galaxy occupied by Santa
Claus and Jack the Giant-Killer.

The Danes or Jutes joined the Angles also at this time, and with the
Saxons spread terror, anarchy, and common drunks all over Albion. Those
who still claim that the Angles were right Angles are certainly
ignorant of English history. They were obtuse Angles, and when bedtime
came and they tried to walk a crack, the historian, in a spirit of
mischief, exclaims that they were mostly a pack of Isosceles Try Angles,
but this doubtless is mere badinage.

They were all savages, and their religion was entirely unfit for
publication. Socially they were coarse and repulsive. Slaves did the
housework, and serfs each morning changed the straw bedding of the lord
and drove the pigs out of the boudoir. The pig was the great social
middle class between the serf and the nobility: for the serf slept with
the pig by day, and the pig slept with the nobility at night.

And yet they were courageous to a degree (the Saxons, not the pigs).
They were fearless navigators and reckless warriors. Armed with their
rude meat-axes and one or two Excalibars, they would take something in
the way of a tonic and march right up to the mouth of the great Thomas
catapult, or fall in the moat with a courage that knew not, recked not
of danger.

Christianity was first preached in Great Britain in 597 A.D., at the
suggestion of Gregory, afterwards Pope, who by chance saw some Anglican
youths exposed for sale in Rome. They were fine-looking fellows, and the
good man pitied their benighted land. Thus the Roman religion was
introduced into England, and was first to turn the savage heart towards
God.

[Illustration: EGBERT GAINS A GREAT VICTORY OVER THE FRENCH INVADERS.]

Augustine was very kindly received by Ethelbert, and invited up to the
house. Augustine met with great success, for the king experienced
religion and was baptized, after which many of his subjects repented and
accepted salvation on learning that it was free. As many as ten thousand
in one day were converted, and Augustine was made Archbishop of
Canterbury. On a small island in the Thames he built a church dedicated
to St. Peter, where now is Westminster Abbey, a prosperous sanctuary
entirely out of debt.

The history of the Heptarchy is one of murder, arson, rapine, assault
and battery, breach of the peace, petty larceny, and the embezzlement of
the enemy's wife.

In 827, Egbert, King of Wessex and Duke of Shandygaff, conquered all his
foes and became absolute ruler of England (Land of the Angles). Taking
charge of this angular kingdom, he established thus the mighty country
which now rules the world in some respects, and which is so greatly
improved socially since those days.

Two distinguished scholars flourished in the eighth century, Bede and
Alcuin. They at once attracted attention by being able to read coarse
print at sight. Bede wrote the Ecclesiastical History of the Angles. It
is out of print now. Alcuin was a native of York, and with the aid of a
lump of chalk and the side of a vacant barn could figure up things and
add like everything. Students flocked to him from all over the country,
and matriculated by the dozen. If he took a fancy to a student, he would
take him away privately and show him how to read.

The first literary man of note was a monk of Whitby named Caedmon, who
wrote poems on biblical subjects when he did not have to monk. His works
were greatly like those of Milton, and especially like "Paradise Lost,"
it is said.

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