Book: Comic History of England

B >> Bill Nye >> Comic History of England




Godwin, however, seems to have been a good political acrobat, and was on
more sides of more questions than anybody else of those times. Though
connected with the White-Cap affair by which Alfred lost his eyesight
and his life, he proved an alibi, or spasmodic paresis, or something,
and, having stood a compurgation and "ordeal" trial, was released. The
historian very truly but inelegantly says, if memory serves the writer
accurately, that Godwin was such a political straddle-bug that he early
abandoned the use of pantaloons and returned to the toga, which was the
only garment able to stand the strain of his political cuttings-up.

The _Shire Mote_, or county court of those days, was composed of a dozen
thanes, or cheap nobles, who had to swear that they had not read the
papers, and had not formed or expressed an opinion, and that their minds
were in a state of complete vacancy. It was a sort of primary jury, and
each could point with pride to the vast collection he had made of things
he did not know, and had not formed or expressed an opinion about.

[Illustration: "ORDEAL" OF JUSTICE.]

If one did not like the verdict of this court, he could appeal to the
king on a _certiorari_ or some such thing as that. The accused could
clear himself by his own oath and that of others, but without these he
had to stand what was called the "ordeal," which consisted in walking on
hot ploughshares without expressing a derogatory opinion regarding the
ploughshares or showing contempt of court. Sometimes the accused had to
run his arm into boiling water. If after three days the injury had
disappeared, the defendant was discharged and costs taxed against the
king.

[Illustration: DYING BETWEEN COURSES.]

Hardicanute only reigned two years, and in 1042 A.D. died at a nuptial
banquet, and cast a gloom over the whole thing. In those times it was a
common thing for the king or some of the nobility to die between the
roast pig and the pork pie. It was not unusual to see each noble with a
roast pig _tete-a-tete_,--each confronting the other, the living and the
dead.

At this time, it is said by the old settlers that hog cholera thinned
out the nobility a good deal, whether directly or indirectly they do not
say.

The English had now wearied of the Danish yoke. "Why wear the Danish
yoke," they asked, "and be ruled with a rod of iron?"

Edward, half brother of Edmund Ironside, was therefore nominated and
chosen king. Godwin, who seemed to be specially gifted as a versatile
connoisseur of "crow,"[A] turned up as his political adviser.

[Footnote A: "Eating crow" is an expression common in modern American
politics to signify a reluctant acknowledgement of humiliating
defeat--HISTORIAN.]

Edward, afterwards called "the Confessor," at once stripped Queen Emma
of all her means, for he had no love left for her, as she had failed
repeatedly to assist him when he was an outcast, and afterwards the new
king placed her in jail (or gaol, rather) at Winchester. This should
teach mothers to be more obedient, or they will surely come to some bad
end.

Edward was educated in Normandy, and so was quite partial to the
Normans. He appointed many of them to important positions in both church
and state. Even the See of Canterbury was given to a Norman. The See
saw how it was going, no doubt, and accepted the position. But let us
pass on rapidly to something else, for thereby variety may be given to
these pages, and as one fact seems to call for another, truth, which for
the time being may be apparently crushed to earth, may rise again.

[Illustration: EDWARD STRIPS EMMA OF HER MEANS.]

Godwin disliked the introduction of the Norman tongue and Norman customs
in England, and when Eustace, Count of Boulogne and author of the
sausage which bears his name, committed an act of violence against the
people of Dover, they arose as one man, drove out the foreigners, and
fumigated the town as well as the ferry running to Calais.

This caused trouble between Edward and Godwin, which led to the
deposition of the latter, who, with his sons, was compelled to flee. But
later he returned, and his popularity in England among the home people
compelled the king to reestablish him.

[Illustration: GODWIN AND HIS SONS FLYING FROM ENGLAND.]

Soon afterwards Godwin died, and Harold, his son, succeeded him
successfully. Godwin was an able man, and got several earldoms for his
wife and relatives at a time when that was just what they needed. An
earldom then was not a mere empty title with nothing in it but a blue
sash and a scorbutic temperament, but it gave almost absolute authority
over one or more shires, and was also a good piece of property. These
historical facts took place in or about the year 1054 A.D.

Edward having no children, together with a sort of misgiving about ever
having any to speak of, called home Edward "the Outlaw," son of Edmund
Ironside, to succeed to the throne; but scarcely had he reached the
shores of England when he died, leaving a son, Edgar.

William of Normandy, a cousin of the king, now appears on the scene. He
claimed to be entitled to the first crack at the throne, and that the
king had promised to bequeath it to him. He even lured Harold, the heir
apparently, to Normandy, and while under the influence of stimulants
compelled Harold to swear that he would sustain William's claim to the
throne. The wily William also inserted some holy relics of great potency
under the altar used for swearing purposes, but Harold recovered when he
got out again into the fresh air, and snapped his fingers at William and
his relics.

[Illustration: WILLIAM COMPELLING HAROLD TO SWEAR.]

January 5, 1066, Edward died, and was buried in Westminster Abbey,
which had just been enclosed and the roof put on.

Harold, who had practised a little while as earl, and so felt that he
could reign easily by beginning moderately and only reigning forenoons,
ascended the throne.

Edward the Confessor was a good, durable monarch, but not brilliant. He
was the first to let people touch him on Tuesdays and Fridays for
scrofula, or "king's evil." He also made a set of laws that were an
improvement on some of the old ones. He was canonized about a century
after his death by the Pope, but as to whether it "took" or not the
historian seems strangely dumb.

[Illustration: WILLIAM OF NORMANDY LEARNS THAT HAROLD IS ELECTED KING.]

He was the last of the royal Saxon line; but other self-made Saxons
reigned after him in torrents.

Edgar Atheling, son of Edward the Outlaw, was the only surviving male of
the royal line, but he was not old enough to succeed to the throne, and
Harold II. accepted the portfolio. He was crowned at Westminster on the
day of King Edward's burial. This infuriated William of Normandy, who
reminded Harold of his first-degree oath, and his pledge that he would
keep it "or have his salary cut from year to year."

Oh, how irritated William was! He got down his gun, and bade the other
Normans who desired an outing to do the same.

Trouble also arose with Tostig, the king's brother, and his Norwegian
ally, Hardrada, but the king defeated the allied forces at Stamford
Bridge, near York, where both of these misguided leaders bit the dust.
Previous to the battle there was a brief parley, and the king told
Tostig the best he could do with him. "And what can you give my ally,
Hardrada?" queried the astute Tostig. "Seven feet of English ground,"
answered the king, roguishly, "or possibly more, as Hardrada is rather
taller than the average," or words to that effect. "Then let the fight
go on," answered Tostig, taking a couple of hard-boiled eggs from his
pocket and cracking them on the pommel of his saddle, for he had not
eaten anything but a broiled shote since breakfast.

That night both he and Hardrada occupied a double grave on the
right-hand side of the road leading to York.



CHAPTER VIII.


THE NORMAN CONQUEST: COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF FACETIOUS ACCORD AND
IMPLACABLE DISCORD.


[Illustration: WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.]

The Norman invasion was one of the most unpleasant features of this
period. Harold had violated his oath to William, and many of his
superstitious followers feared to assist him on that account. His
brother advised him to wait a few years and permit the invader to die of
exposure. Thus, excommunicated by the Pope and not feeling very well
anyway, Harold went into the battle of Hastings, October 14, 1066. For
nine hours they fought, the English using their celebrated squirt-guns
filled with hot water and other fixed ammunition. Finally Harold, while
straightening his sword across his knee, got an arrow in the eye, and
abandoned the fight in order to investigate the surprises of a future
state.

In this battle the contusions alone amounted to over ninety-seven, to
say nothing of fractures, concussions, and abrasions.

Among other casualties, the nobility of the South of England was killed.

Harold's body was buried by the sea-shore, but many years afterwards
disinterred, and, all signs of vitality having disappeared, he was
buried again in the church he had founded at Waltham.

The Anglo-Saxons thus yielded to the Normans the government of England.

In these days the common people were called churls, or anything else
that happened to occur to the irritable and quick-witted nobility. The
rich lived in great magnificence, with rushes on the floor, which were
changed every few weeks. Beautiful tapestry--similar to the rag-carpet
of America--adorned the walls and prevented ventilation.

Glass had been successfully made in France and introduced into England.
A pane of glass indicated the abode of wealth, and a churl cleaning the
window with alcohol by breathing heavily upon it, was a sign that Sir
Reginald de Pamp, the pampered child of fortune, dwelt there.

To twang the lyre from time to time, or knock a few mellow plunks out of
the harp, was regarded with much favor by the Anglo-Saxons, who were
much given to feasting and merriment. In those pioneer times the "small
and early" had not yet been introduced, but "the drunk and disorderly"
was regarded with much favor.

Free coinage was now discussed, and mints established. Wool was the
principal export, and fine cloths were taken in exchange from the
Continent. Women spun for their own households, and the term spinster
was introduced.

The monasteries carefully concealed everything in the way of education,
and even the nobility could not have stood a civil service examination.

The clergy were skilled in music, painting, and sculpture, and loved to
paint on china, or do sign-work and carriage painting for the nobility.
St. Dunstan was quite an artist, and painted portraits which even now
remind one strangely of human beings.

[Illustration: ST. DUNSTAN WAS NOTED FOR THIS KIND OF THING.]

Edgar Atheling, the legal successor of Harold, saw at a glance that
William the Conqueror had come to stay, and so he yielded to the
Norman, as shown in the accompanying steel engraving copied from a piece
of tapestry now in possession of the author, and which descended to him,
through no fault of his own, from the Normans, who for years ruled
England with great skill, and from whose loins he sprang.

[Illustration: EDGAR ATHELING AND THE NOBILITY OFFER SUBMISSION TO
WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.]

William was crowned on Christmas Day at Westminster Abbey as the new
sovereign. It was more difficult to change a sovereign in those days
than at present, but that is neither here nor there.

The people were so glad over the coronation that they overdid it, and
their ghoulish glee alarmed the regular Norman army, the impression
getting out that the Anglo-Saxons were rebellious, when as a matter of
fact they were merely exhilarated, having tanked too often with the
tankard.

William the Conqueror now disarmed the city of London, and tipping a
number of the nobles, got them to wait on him. He rewarded his Norman
followers, however, with the contraband estates of the conquered, and
thus kept up his conking for years after peace had been declared.

But the people did not forget that they were there first, and so, while
William was in Normandy, in the year 1067 A.D., hostilities broke out.
People who had been foreclosed and ejected from their lands united to
shoot the Norman usurper, and it was not uncommon for a Norman, while
busy usurping, to receive an arrow in some vital place, and have to give
up sedentary pursuits, perhaps, for weeks afterwards.

[Illustration: SAXONS INTRODUCING THE YOKE IN SCOTLAND.]

In 1068 A.D., Edgar Atheling, Sweyn of Denmark, Malcolm of Scotland, and
the sons of Harold banded together to drive out the Norman. Malcolm was
a brave man, and had, it is said, captured so many Anglo-Saxons and
brought them back to Scotland, that they had a very refining influence
on that country, introducing the study of the yoke among other things
with moderate success.

[Illustration: WILLIAM WAS FOND OF HUNTING.]

William hastily returned from Normandy, and made short work of the
rebellion. The following year another outbreak occurring in
Northumberland, William mischievously laid waste sixty miles of fertile
country, and wilfully slaughtered one hundred thousand people,--men,
women, and children. And yet we have among us those who point with pride
to their Norman lineage when they ought to be at work supporting their
families.

In 1070 the Archbishop of Canterbury was degraded from his position, and
a Milanese monk on his Milan knees succeeded him. The Saxons became
serfs, and the Normans used the school tax to build large, repulsive
castles in which to woo the handcuffed Anglo-Saxon maiden at their
leisure. An Anglo-Saxon maiden without a rope ladder in the pocket of
her basque was a rare sight. Many very thrilling stories are written of
those days, and bring a good price.

William was passionately fond of hunting, and the penalty for killing a
deer or boar without authority was greater than for killing a human
being out of season.

In order to erect a new forest, he devastated thirty miles of farming
country, and drove the people, homeless and foodless, to the swamps. He
also introduced the curfew, which he had rung in the evening for his
subjects in order to remind them that it was time to put out the lights,
as well as the cat, and retire. This badge of servitude caused great
annoyance among the people, who often wished to sit up and visit, or
pass the tankard about and bid dull care begone.

William, however, was not entirely happy. While reigning, his children
grew up without proper training. Robert, his son, unhorsed the old
gentleman at one time, and would have killed him anonymously, each
wearing at the time a galvanized iron dinner-pail over his features, but
just at the fatal moment Robert heard his father's well-known breath
asserting itself, and withheld his hand.

William's death was one of the most attractive features of his reign. It
resulted from an injury received during an invasion of France.

Philip, the king of that country, had said something derogatory
regarding William, so the latter, having business in France, decided to
take his army with him and give his soldiers an outing. William captured
the city of Mantes, and laid it in ashes at his feet. These ashes were
still hot in places when the great conqueror rode through them, and his
horse becoming restive, threw His Royal Altitoodleum on the pommel of
his saddle, by reason of which he received a mortal hurt, and a few
weeks later he died, filled with remorse and other stimulants,
regretting his past life in such unmeasured terms that he could be heard
all over the place.

[Illustration: DEMISE OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR.]

The "feudal system" was now fully established in England, and lands
descended from father to son, and were divided up among the dependants
on condition of the performance of vassalage. In this way the common
people were cheerily permitted the use of what atmosphere they needed
for breathing purposes, on their solemn promise to return it, and at the
close of life, if they had succeeded in winning the royal favor, they
might contribute with their humble remains to the fertility of the royal
vegetable garden.

[Illustration: THE FEUDAL SYSTEM WAS NOW FULLY ESTABLISHED.]



CHAPTER IX.


THE FEUDAL SYSTEM: SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR
RESTRICTING INCOMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES.


At this time, under the reign of William, a year previous to his death,
an inventory was taken of the real estate and personal property
contained in the several counties of England; and this "Domesday-book,"
as it was called, formed the basis for subsequent taxation, etc. There
were then three hundred thousand families in England. The book had a
limited circulation, owing to the fact that it was made by hand; but in
1783 it was printed.

William II., surnamed "Rufus the Red," the auburn-haired son of the
king, took possession of everything--especially the treasure--before his
father was fully deceased, and by fair promises solidified the left wing
of the royal party, compelling the disaffected Norman barons to fly to
France.

William II. and Robert his brother came to blows over a small rebellion
organized by the latter, but Robert yielded at last, and joined William
with a view to making it hot for Henry, who, being a younger brother,
objected to wearing the king's cast-off reigning clothes. He was at last
forced to submit, however, and the three brothers gayly attacked
Malcolm, the Scotch malecontent, who was compelled to yield, and thus
Cumberland became English ground. This was in 1091.

[Illustration: WILLIAM II. TAKES POSSESSION OF THE ROYAL TRUNK AND
SECURES THE CROWN.]

In 1096 the Crusade was creating much talk, and Robert, who had
expressed a desire to lead a totally different life, determined to go if
money could be raised. Therefore William proceeded to levy on everything
that could be realized upon, such as gold and silver communion services
and other bric-a-brac, and free coinage was then first inaugurated. The
king became so greedy that on the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury
he made himself _ex-officio_ archbishop, so that he might handle the
offerings and coin the plate. When William was ill he sent for Father
Anselm, but when he got well he took back all his sweet promises, in
every way reminding one of the justly celebrated policy pursued by His
Sulphureous Highness the Devil.

The capture of Jerusalem by the Crusaders very naturally attracted the
attention of other ambitious princes who wished also to capture it, and
William, Prince of Guienne, mortgaged his principality to England that
he might raise money to do this; but when about to embark for the
purpose of taking possession of this property, William II., the royal
note-shaver, while hunting, was shot accidentally by a companion, or
assassinated, it is not yet known which, and when found by a passing
charcoal-burner was in a dead state. He was buried in 1100, at
Winchester.

[Illustration: RUFUS FOUND DEAD IN THE FOREST BY A POOR
CHARCOAL-BURNER.]

Rufus had no trouble in securing the public approval of his death. He
was the third of his race to perish in the New Forest, the scene of the
Conqueror's cruelty to his people. He was a thick-set man with a red
face, a debauchee of the deepest dye, mean in money matters, and as full
of rum and mendacity as Sitting Bull, the former Regent of the Sioux
Nation. He died at the age of forty-three years, having reigned and cut
up in a shameful manner for thirteen years.

Robert having gone to the Holy Land, Henry I. was crowned at
Westminster. He was educated to a higher degree than William, and knew
the multiplication table up to seven times seven, but he was highly
immoral, and an armed chaperon stood between him and common decency.

He also made rapid strides as a liar, and even his own grocer would not
trust him. He successfully fainted when he heard of his son's death,
1120 A.D.

His reign closed in 1135, when Stephen, a grandson of the Conqueror,
with the aid of a shoe-horn assumed the crown of England, and, placing a
large damp towel in it, proceeded to reign. He began at once to swap
patronage for kind words, and every noble was as ignoble as a
phenomenal thirst and unbridled lust could make him. Every farm had a
stone jail on it, in charge of a noble jailer. Feudal castles, full of
malaria and surrounded by insanitary moats and poor plumbing, echoed the
cry of the captive and the bacchanalian song of the noble. The country
was made desolate by duly authorized robbers, who, under the Crusaders'
standard, prevented the maturity of the spring chicken and hushed the
still, small voice of the roast pig in death.

[Illustration: HENRY FAINTED WHEN HE HEARD THE SAD NEWS.]

William the Conqueror was not only remembered bitterly in the broken
hearts of his people, but in history his name will stand out forever
because of his strange and grotesque designs on posterity.

In 1141 Stephen was made prisoner, and for five years he was not
restored to his kingdom. In the mean time, Matilda, the widow of Henry
I., encouraged by the prelates, landed in England to lay claim to the
throne, and after a great deal of ill feeling and much needed
assassination, her son Henry, who had become quite a large
property-owner in France, invaded England, and finally succeeded in
obtaining recognition as the rightful successor of Stephen. Stephen died
in 1153, and Henry became king.

[Illustration: MATILDA LANDING IN ENGLAND.]

The Feudal System, which obtained in England for four hundred years, was
a good one for military purposes, for the king on short notice might
raise an army by calling on the barons, who levied on their vassals, and
they in turn levied on their dependants.

A feudal castle was generally built in the Norman style of architecture.
It had a "donjon," or keep, which was generally occupied by the baron as
a bar-room, feed-trough, and cooler between fights. It was built of
stone, and was lighted by means of crevices through the wall by day, and
by means of a saucer of tallow and a string or rush which burned during
the night and served mainly to show how dark it was. There was a front
yard or fighting-place around this, surrounded by a high wall, and this
again by a moat. There was an inner court back of the castle, into which
the baron could go for thinking. A chapel was connected with the
institution, and this was the place to which he retired for the purpose
of putting arnica on his conscience.

Underneath the castle was a large dungeon, where people who differed
with the baron had a studio. Sometimes they did not get out at all, but
died there in their sins, while the baron had all the light of gospel
and chapel privileges up-stairs.

The historian says that at that time the most numerous class in England
were the "villains." This need not surprise us, when we remember that it
was as much as a man's life was worth to be anything else.

There were also twenty-five thousand serfs. A serf was required to be at
hand night or day when the baron needed some one to kick. He was
generally attached to the realty, like a hornet's nest, but not
necessary to it.

In the following chapter knighthood and the early hardware trade will be
touched upon.

[Illustration: "IN HOC SIGNO VINCES."]



CHAPTER X.


THE AGE OF CHIVALRY: LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS,
FOOLS, PRELATES, AND OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD.


The age of chivalry, which yielded such good material to the poet and
romancer, was no doubt essential to the growth of civilization, but it
must have been an unhappy period for legitimate business. How could
trade, commerce, or even the professions, arts, or sciences, flourish
while the entire population spread itself over the bleaching-boards, day
after day, to watch the process of "jousting," while the corn was "in
the grass," and everybody's notes went to protest?

Then came the days of knight-errantry, when parties in malleable-iron
clothing and shirts of mail--which were worn without change--rode up and
down the country seeking for maids in distress. A pretty maid in those
days who lived on the main road could put on her riding-habit, go to the
window up-stairs, shed a tear, wave her kerchief in the air, and in half
an hour have the front lawn full of knights-errant tramping over the
peony beds and castor-oil plants.

[Illustration: A PRETTY MAID IN THOSE DAYS.]

In this way a new rescuer from day to day during the "errant" season
might be expected. Scarcely would the fair maid reach her destination
and get her wraps hung up, when a rattle of gravel on the window would
attract her attention, and outside she would see, with swelling heart,
another knight-errant, who crooked his Russia-iron elbow and murmured,
"Miss, may I have the pleasure of this escape with you?"

"But I do not recognize you, sir," she would straightway make reply; and
well she might, for, with his steel-shod countenance and corrugated-iron
clothes, he was generally so thoroughly _incog._ that his crest, on a
new shield freshly painted and grained and bearing a motto, was his only
introduction. Imagine a sweet girl, who for years had been under the
eagle eye of a middle-weight chaperon, suddenly espying in the moonlight
a disguised man under the window on horseback, in the act of asking her
to join him for a few weeks at his shooting-box in the swamp. Then, if
you please, imagine her asking for his card, whereupon he exposes the
side of his new tin shield, on which is painted in large Old English
letters a Latin motto meaning, "It is the early bird that catches the
worm," with bird rampant, worm couchant on a field uncultivated.

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