Book: Paul Clifford, Volume 2.

E >> Edward Bulwer Lytton >> Paul Clifford, Volume 2.




"Is that you, Mr. Tomlinson? How glad I am to see you here!"

"And I," returned the quondam murderer for the newspapers, with a nasal
twang, "should be very glad to see myself anywhere else."

Paul made no answer; and Augustus continued,--

"'To a wise man all places are the same,'--so it has been said. I don't
believe it, Paul,--I don't believe it. But a truce to reflection! I
remembered you the moment I saw you, though you are surprisingly grown.
How is my friend MacGrawler?--still hard at work for 'The Asinaeum'?"

"I believe so," said Paul, sullenly, and hastening to change the
conversation; "but tell me, Mr. Tomlinson, how came you hither? I heard
you had gone down to the North of England to fulfil a lucrative
employment."

"Possibly! The world always misrepresents the actions of those who are
constantly before it."

"It is very true," said Paul; "and I have said the same thing myself a
hundred times in 'The Asinaeum,' for we were never too lavish of our
truths in that magnificent journal. 'T is astonishing what a way we made
three ideas go."

"You remind me of myself and my newspaper labours," rejoined Augustus
Tomlinson. "I am not quite sure that I had so many as three ideas to
spare; for, as you say, it is astonishing how far that number may go,
properly managed. It is with writers as with strolling players,--the
same three ideas that did for Turks in one scene do for Highlanders in
the next; but you must tell me your history one of these days, and you
shall hear mine."

"I should be excessively obliged to you for your confidence," said Paul,
"and I doubt not but your life must be excessively entertaining. Mine,
as yet, has been but insipid. The lives of literary men are not fraught
with adventure; and I question whether every writer in 'The Asinaeum' has
not led pretty nearly the same existence as that which I have sustained
myself."

In conversation of this sort our newly restored friends passed the
remainder of the day, until the hour of half-past four, when the
prisoners are to suppose night has begun, and be locked up in their
bedrooms. Tomlinson then, who was glad to re-find a person who had known
him in his _beaux jours,_ spoke privately to the turnkey; and the result
of the conversation was the coupling Paul and Augustus in the same
chamber, which was a sort of stone box, that generally accommodated
three, and was--for we have measured it, as we would have measured the
cell of the prisoner of Chillon--just eight feet by six.

We do not intend, reader, to .indicate, by broad colours and in long
detail, the moral deterioration of our hero; because we have found, by
experience, that such pains on our part do little more than make thee
blame our stupidity instead of lauding our intention. We shall therefore
only work out our moral by subtle hints and brief comments; and we shall
now content ourselves with reminding thee that hitherto thou hast seen
Paul honest in the teeth of circumstances. Despite the contagion of the
Mug, despite his associates in Fish Lane, despite his intimacy with Long
Ned, thou hast seen him brave temptation, and look forward to some other
career than that of robbery or fraud. Nay, even in his destitution, when
driven from the abode of his childhood, thou hast observed how, instead
of resorting to some more pleasurable or libertine road of life, he
betook himself at once to the dull roof and insipid employments of
MacGrawler, and preferred honestly earning his subsistence by the sweat
of his brain to recurring to any of the numerous ways of living on others
with which his experience among the worst part of society must have
teemed, and which, to say the least of them, are more alluring to the
young and the adventurous than the barren paths of literary labour.
Indeed, to let thee into a secret, it had been Paul's daring ambition to
raise himself into a worthy member of the community. His present
circumstances, it may hereafter be seen, made the cause of a great change
in his desires; and the conversation he held that night with the
ingenious and skilful Augustus went more towards fitting him for the hero
of this work than all the habits of his childhood or the scenes of his
earlier youth. Young people are apt, erroneously, to believe that it is
a bad thing to be exceedingly wicked. The House of Correction is so
called, because it is a place where so ridiculous a notion is invariably
corrected. The next day Paul was surprised by a visit from Mrs. Lobkins,
who had heard of his situation and its causes from the friendly Dummie,
and who had managed to obtain from Justice Burnflat an order of
admission. They met, Pyramus and Thisbe like, with a wall, or rather an
iron gate, between them; and Mrs. Lobkins, after an ejaculation of
despair at the obstacle, burst weepingly into the pathetic reproach,--

"O Paul, thou hast brought thy pigs to a fine market!"

"'T is a market proper for pigs, dear dame," said Paul, who, though with
a tear in his eye, did not refuse a joke as bitter as it was inelegant;
"for, of all others, it is the spot where a man learns to take care of
his bacon."

"Hold your tongue!" cried the dame, angrily. "What business has you to
gabble on so while you are in limbo?"

"Ah, dear dame," said Paul, "we can't help these rubs and stumbles on our
road to preferment!"

"Road to the scragging-post!" cried the dame. "I tells you, child,
you'll live to be hanged in spite of all my care and 'tention to you,
though I hedicated you as a scholard, and always hoped as how you would
grow up to be an honour to your--"

"King and country," interrupted Paul. "We always say, honour to king and
country, which means getting rich and paying taxes. 'The more taxes a
man pays, the greater honour he is to both,' as Augustus says. Well,
dear dame, all in good time."

"What! you is merry, is you? Why does not you weep?

Your heart is as hard as a brickbat. It looks quite unnatural and
hyena-like to be so _devil-me-careish!" So saying, the good dame's
tears gushed forth with the bitterness of a despairing Parisina.

"Nay, nay," said Paul, who, though he suffered far more intensely, bore
the suffering far more easily than his patroness, "we cannot mend the
matter by crying. Suppose you see what can be done for me. I dare say
you may manage to soften the justice's sentence by a little 'oil of
palms;' and if you can get me out before I am quite corrupted,--a day or
two longer in this infernal place will do the business,--I promise you
that I will not only live honestly myself, but with people who live in
the same manner."

"Buss me, Paul," said the tender Mrs. Lobkins, "buss me--Oh! but I
forgits the gate. I'll see what can be done. And here, my lad, here's
summat for you in the mean while,--a drop o' the cretur, to preach
comfort to your poor stomach. Hush! smuggle it through, or they'll see
you."

Here the dame endeavoured to push a stone bottle through the bars of the
gate; but, alas! though the neck passed through, the body refused, and
the dame was forced to retract the "cretur." Upon this, the kind-hearted
woman renewed her sobbings; and so absorbed was she in her grief that
seemingly quite forgetting for what purpose she had brought the bottle,
she applied it to her own mouth, and consoled herself with that elixir
vitae which she had originally designed for Paul.

This somewhat restored her; and after a most affecting scene the dame
reeled off with the vacillating steps natural to woe, promising, as she
went, that if love or money could shorten Paul's confinement, neither
should be wanting. We are rather at a loss to conjecture the exact
influence which the former of these arguments, urged by the lovely
Margaret, might have had upon Justice Burnflat.

When the good dame had departed, Paul hastened to repick his oakum and
rejoin his friend. He found the worthy Augustus privately selling little
elegant luxuries, such as tobacco, gin, and rations of daintier viands
than the prison allowed; for Augustus, having more money than the rest of
his companions, managed, through the friendship of the turnkey, to
purchase secretly, and to resell at about four hundred per cent, such
comforts as the prisoners especially coveted.

[A very common practice at the Bridewell. The Governor at the
Coldbath-Fields, apparently a very intelligent and active man, every
way fitted for a most arduous undertaking, informed us, in the only
conversation we have had the honour to hold with him, that he
thought he had nearly or quite destroyed in his jurisdiction this
illegal method of commerce.]

"A proof," said Augustus, dryly, to Paul, "that by prudence and exertion
even in those places where a man cannot turn himself he may manage to
turn a penny."




CHAPTER IX.

"Relate at large, my godlike guest," she said,
"The Grecian stratagems,--the town betrayed!"
DRYDEN: Virgil, AEneid, book ii.

Descending thence, they 'scaped!--Ibid.

A great improvement had taken place in the character of Augustus
Tomlinson since Paul had last encountered that illustrious man. Then
Augustus had affected the man of pleasure, the learned lounger about
town, the all-accomplished Pericles of the papers, gayly quoting Horace,
gravely flanking a fly from the leader of Lord Dunshunner. Now a more
serious yet not a less supercilious air had settled upon his features;
the pretence of fashion had given way to the pretence of wisdom; and from
the man of pleasure Augustus Tomlinson had grown to the philosopher.
With this elevation alone, too, he was not content: he united the
philosopher with the politician; and the ingenious rascal was pleased
especially to pique himself upon being "a moderate Whig"!

"Paul," he was wont to observe, "believe me, moderate Whiggism is a most
excellent creed. It adapts itself to every possible change, to every
conceivable variety of circumstance. It is the only politics for us who
are the aristocrats of that free body who rebel against tyrannical laws;
for, hang it, I am none of your democrats. Let there be dungeons and
turnkeys for the low rascals who whip clothes from the hedge where they
hang to dry, or steal down an area in quest of a silver spoon; but houses
of correction are not made for men who have received an enlightened
education,--who abhor your petty thefts as much as a justice of peace.
can do,--who ought never to be termed dishonest in their dealings, but,
if they are found out, 'unlucky in their speculations'! A pretty thing,
indeed, that there should be distinctions of rank among other members of
the community, and none among us! Where's your boasted British
Constitution, I should like to know, where are your privileges of
aristocracy, if I, who am a gentleman born, know Latin, and have lived in
the best society, should be thrust into this abominable place with a
dirty fellow who was born in a cellar, and could never earn more at a
time than would purchase a sausage? No, no! none of your levelling
principles for me! I am liberal, Paul, and love liberty; but, thank
Heaven, I despise your democracies!"

Thus, half in earnest, half veiling a natural turn to sarcasm, would this
moderate Whig run on for the hour together during those long nights,
commencing at half-past four, in which he and Paul bore each other
company.

One evening, when Tomlinson was so bitterly disposed to be prolix that
Paul felt himself somewhat wearied by his eloquence, our hero, desirous
of a change in the conversation, reminded Augustus of his promise to
communicate his history; and the philosophical Whig, nothing loath to
speak of himself, cleared his throat, and began.

"Never mind who was my father, nor what was my native place! My first
ancestor was Tommy Linn (his heir became Tom Linn's son),--you have heard
the ballad made in his praise,

"'Tommy Linn is a Scotchman born,
His head is bald and his beard is shorn;
He had a cap made of a hare skin,
An elder man is Tommy Limn!'

"There was a sort of prophecy respecting my ancestor's descendants darkly
insinuated in the concluding stanza of this ballad:--

"'Tommy Linn, and his wife, and his wife's mother,
They all fell into the fire together;
They that lay undermost got a hot skin,--

"We are not enough!" said Tommy Linn.'"

"You see the prophecy: it is applicable both to gentlemen rogues and to
moderate Whigs; for both are undermost in the world, and both are
perpetually bawling out, 'We are not enough!'

"I shall begin my own history by saying, I went to a North Country
school, where I was noted for my aptness in learning; and my skill at
'prisoner's base,'--upon my word I purposed no pun! I was intended for
the Church. Wishing, betimes, to instruct myself in its ceremonies, I
persuaded my schoolmaster's maidservant to assist me towards promoting a
christening. My father did not like this premature love for the sacred
rites. He took me home; and wishing to give my clerical ardour a
different turn, prepared me for writing sermons by reading me a dozen a
day. I grew tired of this, strange as it may seem to you. 'Father,'
said I, one morning, 'it is no use talking; I will not go into the
Church,--that's positive. Give me your blessing and a hundred pounds,
and I'll go up to London and get a living instead of a curacy.' My
father stormed; but I got the better at last. I talked of becoming a
private tutor; swore I had heard nothing was so easy,--the only things
wanted were pupils; and the only way to get them was to go to London and
let my learning be known. My poor father,--well, he's gone, and I am
glad of it now!" The speaker's voice faltered. "I got the better, I
say, and I came to town, where I had a relation a bookseller. Through
his interest, I wrote a book of Travels in Ethiopia for an earl's son,
who wanted to become a lion; and a Treatise on the Greek Particle,
dedicated to the prime minister, for a dean, who wanted to become a
bishop,--Greek being, next to interest, the best road to the mitre.
These two achievements were liberally paid; so I took a lodging in a
first floor, and resolved to make a bold stroke for a wife. What do you
think I did?--nay, never guess; it would be hopeless. First, I went to
the best tailor, and had my clothes sewn on my back; secondly, I got the
peerage and its genealogies by heart; thirdly, I marched one night, with
the coolest deliberation possible, into the house of a duchess, who was
giving an immense rout! The newspapers had inspired me with this idea.
I had read of the vast crowds which a lady 'at home' sought to win to her
house. I had read of staircases impassable, and ladies carried out in a
fit; and common-sense told me how impossible it was that the fair
receiver should be acquainted with the legality of every importation.
I therefore resolved to try my chance, and--entered the body of Augustus
Tomlinson, as a piece of stolen goods. Faith! the first night I was
shy,--I stuck to the staircase, and ogled an old maid of quality, whom I
had heard announced as Lady Margaret Sinclair. Doubtless she had never
been ogled before; and she was evidently enraptured with my glances. The
next night I read of a ball at the Countess of -------'s. My heart beat
as if I were going to be whipped; but I plucked up courage, and repaired
to her ladyship's. There I again beheld the divine Lady Margaret; and
observing that she turned yellow, by way of a blush, when she saw me, I
profited by the port I had drunk as an encouragement to my entree, and
lounging up in the most modish way possible, I reminded her ladyship of
an introduction with which I said I had once been honoured at the Duke of
Dashwell's, and requested her hand for the next cotillion. Oh, Paul,
fancy my triumph! The old damsel said, with a sigh, she remembered me
very well, ha, ha, ha!--and I carried her off to the cotillion like
another Theseus bearing away a second Ariadne. Not to be prolix on this
part of my life, I went night after night to balls and routs, for
admission to which half the fine gentlemen in London would have given
their ears. And I improved my time so well with Lady Margaret, who was
her own mistress and had L5,000,--a devilish bad portion for some, but
not to be laughed at by me,--that I began to think when the happy day
should be fixed. Meanwhile, as Lady Margaret introduced me to some of
her friends, and my lodgings were in a good situation, I had been
honoured with some real invitations. The only two questions I ever was
asked were (carelessly), "Was I the only son?" and on my veritable answer
'Yes!' 'What' (this was more warmly put),--'what was my county?'
Luckily my county was a wide one,--Yorkshire; and any of its inhabitants
whom the fair interrogators might have questioned about me could only
have answered, I was not in their part of it.

"Well, Paul, I grew so bold by success that the devil one day put it into
my head to go to a great dinner-party at the Duke of Dashwell's. I went,
dined,--nothing happened; I came away, and the next morning I read in the
papers,--

"'Mysterious affair--person lately going about--first bouses--most
fashionable parties--nobody knows--Duke of Dashwell's yesterday. Duke
not like to make disturbance--as royalty present."

"The journal dropped from my hands. At that moment the girl of the house
gave me a note from Lady Margaret,--alluded to the paragraph; wondered
who was 'The Stranger;' hoped to see me that night at Lord A-----'s,
to whose party I said I had been asked; speak then more fully on those
matters I had touched on!--in short, dear Paul, a tender epistle! All
great men are fatalists,--I am one now; fate made me a madman. In the
very face of this ominous paragraph I mustered up courage, and went that
night to Lord A-----'s. The fact is, my affairs were in confusion,--I
was greatly in debt. I knew it was necessary to finish my conquest over
Lady Margaret as soon as possible; and Lord A-----'s seemed the best
place for the purpose. Nay, I thought delay so dangerous, after the
cursed paragraph, that a day might unmask me, and it would be better
therefore not to lose an hour in finishing the play of 'The Stranger'
with the farce of 'The Honey Moon.' Behold me then at Lord A-----'s,
leading off Lady Margaret to the dance. Behold me whispering the
sweetest of things in her ear. Imagine her approving my suit, and gently
chiding me for talking of Gretna Green. Conceive all this, my dear
fellow, and just at the height of my triumph, dilate the eyes of your
imagination, and behold the stately form of Lord A-----, my noble host,
marching up to me, while a voice that, though low and quiet as an evening
breeze, made my heart sink into my shoes, said, 'I believe, sir, you have
received no invitation from Lady A-----?'

"Not a word could I utter, Paul,--not a word. Had it been the highroad
instead of a ballroom, I could have talked loudly enough; but I was under
a spell. 'Ehem!' I faltered at last,--'e-h-e-m! Some mis-take, I--
I--' There I stopped.

"'Sir,' said the earl, regarding me with a grave sternness, 'you had
better withdraw.'

"'Bless me! what's all this?' cried Lady Margaret, dropping my palsied
arm, and gazing on me as if she expected me to talk like a hero.

"'Oh,' said I, 'eh-e-m, eh-e-m,--I will exp--lain to-morrow,--ehem,
e-h-e-m.' I made to the door; all the eyes in the room seemed turned
into burning-glasses, and blistered the very skin on my face. I heard a
gentle shriek, as I left the apartment,--Lady Margaret fainting, I
suppose! There ended my courtship and my adventures in 'the best
society.'

"I felt melancholy at the ill-success of my scheme. You must allow it was
a magnificent project. What moral courage! I admire myself when I think
of it. Without an introduction, without knowing a soul, to become, all
by my own resolution, free of the finest houses in London, dancing with
earls' daughters, and all but carrying off an earl's daughter myself as
my wife. If I had, the friends must have done something for me; and Lady
Margaret Tomlinson might perhaps have introduced the youthful genius of
her Augustus to parliament or the ministry. Oh, what a fall was there!
Yet, faith, ha, ha, ha! I could not help laughing, despite of my
chagrin, when I remembered that for three months I had imposed on these
'delicate exclusives,' and been literally invited by many of them, who
would not have asked the younger sons of their own cousins, merely
because I lived in a good street, avowed myself an only child, and talked
of my property in Yorkshire! Ha, ha! how bitter the mercenary dupes must
have felt when the discovery was made! What a pill for the good matrons
who had coupled my image with that of some filial Mary or Jane,--ha, ha,
ha! The triumph was almost worth the mortification. However, as I said
before, I fell melancholy on it, especially as my duns became menacing.
So I went to consult with my cousin the bookseller. He recommended me to
compose for the journals, and obtained me an offer. I went to work very
patiently for a short time, and contracted some agreeable friendships
with gentlemen whom I met at an ordinary in St. James's. Still, my duns,
though I paid them by driblets, were the plague of my life. I confessed
as much to one of my new friends. 'Come to Bath with me,' quoth he, 'for
a week, and you shall return as rich as a Jew.' I accepted the offer, and
went to Bath in my friend's chariot. He took the name of Lord
Dunshunner, an Irish peer who had never been out of Tipperary, and was
not therefore likely to be known at Bath. He took also a house for a
year; filled it with wines, books, and a sideboard of plate. As he
talked vaguely of setting up his younger brother to stand for the town at
the next parliament, he bought these goods of the townspeople, in order
to encourage their trade. I managed secretly to transport them to London
and sell them; and as we disposed of them fifty per cent under cost
price, our customers, the pawnbrokers, were not very inquisitive. We
lived a jolly life at Bath for a couple of months, and departed one
night, leaving our housekeeper to answer all interrogatories. We had
taken the precaution to wear disguises, stuffed ourselves out, and
changed the hues of our hair. My noble friend was an adept in these
transformations; and though the police did not sleep on the business,
they never stumbled on us. I am especially glad we were not discovered,
for I liked Bath excessively; and I intend to return there some of these
days, and retire from the world--on an heiress!

"Well, Paul, shortly after this adventure I made your acquaintance. I
continued ostensibly my literary profession, but only as a mask for the
labours I did not profess. A circumstance obliged me to leave London
rather precipitately. Lord Dunshunner joined me in Edinburgh. D---it,
instead of doing anything there, we were done! The veriest urchin that
ever crept through the High Street is more than a match for the most
scientific of Englishmen. With us it is art; with the Scotch it is
nature. They pick your pockets without using their fingers for it; and
they prevent reprisal by having nothing for you to pick.

"We left Edinburgh with very long faces, and at Carlisle we found it
necessary to separate. For my part, I went as a valet to a nobleman who
had just lost his last servant at Carlisle by a fever; my friend gave me
the best of characters! My new master was a very clever man. He
astonished people at dinner by the impromptus he prepared at breakfast;
in a word, he was a wit. He soon saw, for he was learned himself, that
I had received a classical education, and he employed me in the
confidential capacity of finding quotations for him. I classed these
alphabetically and under three heads,--'Parliamentary, Literary, Dining-
out.' These were again subdivided into 'Fine,' 'Learned,' and 'Jocular;'
so that my master knew at once where to refer for genius, wisdom, and
wit. He was delighted with my management of his intellects. In
compliment to him, I paid more attention to politics than I had done
before; for he was a 'great Whig,' and uncommonly liberal in everything--
but money! Hence, Paul, the origin of my political principles; and I
thank Heaven there is not now a rogue in England who is a better--that is
to say, more of a moderate-Whig than your humble servant! I continued
with him nearly a year. He discharged me for a fault worthy of my
genius: other servants may lose the watch or the coat of their master; I
went at nobler game, and lost him--his private character!"

"How do you mean?"

"Why, I was enamoured of a lady who would not have looked at me as Mr.
Tomlinson; so I took my master's clothes and occasionally his carriage,
and made love to my nymph as Lord. Her vanity made her indiscreet. The
Tory papers got hold of it; and my master, in a change of ministers, was
declared by George the Third to be 'too gay for a Chancellor of the
Exchequer.' An old gentleman who had had fifteen children by a wife like
a Gorgon, was chosen instead of my master; and although the new minister
was a fool in his public capacity, the moral public were perfectly
content with him, because of his private virtues!

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