Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VI.
J >>
Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VI.
I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of
enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness
is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of
felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it;
because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable
incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently
guilty of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat the
same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at
length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the
following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose
every morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard
into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards Chambery.
While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion of the lips,
but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of delightful
nature, whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me! I never
love to pray in a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and all the
little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself: I love to
contemplate Him in his works, which elevate my soul, and raise my
thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore
worthy to be heard:--I asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts
were never divided, only an innocent and quiet life, exempt from vice,
sorrow and want; I prayed that we might die the death of the just, and
partake of their lot hereafter: for the rest, it was rather admiration
and contemplation than request, being satisfied that the best means to
obtain what is necessary from the Giver of every perfect good, is rather
to deserve than to solicit. Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way
by taking a roundabout path, still contemplating with earnestness and
delight the beautiful scenes with which I was surrounded, those only
objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart. As I approached
our habitation, I looked forward to see if Madam de Warrens was stirring,
and when I perceived her shutters open, I even ran with joy towards the
house: if they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their
opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection of what I had read
the preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the shutter drew back
I hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep; and this salute, pure
as it was affectionate, even from its innocence, possessed a charm which
the senses can never bestow. We usually breakfasted on milk-coffee; this
was the time of day when we had most leisure, and when we chatted with
the greatest freedom. These sittings, which were usually pretty long,
have given me a fondness for breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of
England, or Switzerland, which are considered as a meal, at which all the
family assemble, than those of France, where they breakfast alone in
their several apartments, or more frequently have none at all. After an
hour or two passed in discourse, I went to my study till dinner;
beginning with some philosophical work, such as the logic of Port-Royal,
Locke's Essays, Mallebranche, Leibtnitz, Descartes, etc. I soon found
that these authors perpetually contradict each other, and formed the
chimerical project of reconciling them, which cost me much labor and loss
of time, bewildering my head without any profit. At length (renouncing
this idea) I adopted one infinitely more profitable, to which I attribute
all the progress I have since made, notwithstanding the defects of my
capacity; for 'tis certain I had very little for study. On reading each
author, I acquired a habit of following all his ideas, without suffering
my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them, or entering
into any dispute on their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by
laying up a stock of ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my
understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and
make choice of those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method
is not without its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with
a fund of instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after
others, without reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found myself
possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own
account, and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities
of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what
I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance of reason, and
frequently judging my masters. Though it was late before I began to
exercise my judicial faculties, I have not discovered that they had lost
their vigor, and on publishing my own ideas, have never been accused of
being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'.
From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never went
further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a
hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who rather
seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I preferred
the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of my favorite
authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra followed, and
Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, I perused
Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis
Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the
application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method
of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about:
resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like
playing a tune by turning round a handle. The first time I found by
calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the
square of each of its parts, and double the product of one by the other;
though convinced that my multiplication was right, I could not be
satisfied till I had made and examined the figure: not but I admire
algebra when applied to abstract quantities, but when used to demonstrate
dimensions, I wished to see the operation, and unless explained by lines,
could not rightly comprehend it.
After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I never
made great progress. I began by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but without
success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last
forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a
man without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory
more retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which
at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to read an
easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that method, and found
it succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied myself to translation, not
by writing, but mentally, and by exercise and perseverance attained to
read Latin authors easily, but have never been able to speak or write
that language, which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found
myself (I know not by what means) enrolled among men of letters.
Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I
never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet,
anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and
verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that
without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition
of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience
to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and
whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately
consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many
errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of
versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in
studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable
labor, as I have experienced more than any one.
At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my
friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and
when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite
to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so
indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting
till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was
fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I
had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat;
we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in
conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the
pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden;
these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a
day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly
interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the
hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they
could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they
stung me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that
let me approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the
hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been
surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending any
danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when
once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes so
great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it.
After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought
rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or study.
I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in general
any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day. I
employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or rule, and read
without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was history
and geography, and as these did not require intense application, made as
much progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an
inclination to study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of
chronology, but was disgusted at the critical part, which I found had
neither bottom nor banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement
of time by the course of the celestial bodies. I should even have
contracted a fondness for astronomy, had I been in possession of
instruments, but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements
of that art, learned from books, and a few rude observations made with a
telescope, sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of
the heavenly bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish
the stars without the help of a glass.
I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has
often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the
constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were
fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on
four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the ground,
turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by means of a
candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out)
and then placed in the centre of the above--mentioned four supporters;
this done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from time to time
referring to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the various
constellations. I think I have before observed that our garden was on a
terrace, and lay open to the road. One night, some country people
passing very late, saw me in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in
these observations: the light, which struck directly on the planisphere,
proceeding from a cause they could not divine (the candle being concealed
by the sides of the pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper,
marked over with various uncouth figures, with the motion of the
telescope, which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave the whole
an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement. My
figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a flapped hat
put on over my nightcap, and a short cloak about my shoulder (which Madam
de Warrens had obliged me to put on) presented in their idea the image of
a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no doubt but this was
the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having no curiosity to pry
further into these mysteries, they fled with all possible speed, awakened
their neighbors, and described this most dreadful vision. The story
spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that
a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to
Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what might have been the consequence
of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my
conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two Jesuits,
who frequently came to visit us, and who, without knowing the foundation
of the story, undeceived and satisfied them. These Jesuits told us the
whole affair, and I acquainted them with the cause of it, which
altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for the
future to make my observations without light, and consult my planisphere
in the house. Those who have read Venetian magic, in the 'Letters from
the Mountain', may find that I long since had the reputation of being a
conjurer.
Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments,
for they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my
strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me little
except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to do two
things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately persisted
in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for that
purpose, I always carried some book with me, which, while at work,
I studied with inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating
something, and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and
continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid. I must have learned
and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil twenty times over, though at this
time I cannot recollect a single line of them. I have lost or spoiled a
great number of books by a custom I had of carrying them with me into the
dove-house, the garden, orchard or vineyard, when, being busy about
something else, I laid my book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or
the first place that came to hand, and frequently left them there,
finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by
the ants or snails; and this ardor for learning became so far a madness
that it rendered me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some
passage or other to myself.
The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most
read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my
confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell,
which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little
disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens tranquillized my
soul, would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was
hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This
was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory
I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity
of a child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely
what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by
Jansenism. This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came
frequently to visit us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and
tedious for men of their age. These visits were very comfortable to me,
which may the Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I
cannot suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at
Chambery, became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the
library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the
idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and
though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find
myself in a disposition to hate them cordially.
I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in
the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my
studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding
every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented
me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I die at this instant,
must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the matter was
indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared quite the
contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had
recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which
I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise
the same folly. One day, meditating on this melancholy subject,
I exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees, with my
usual dexterity, that is to say, without hitting any of them. In the
height of this charming exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of
prognostic, that might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this
stone at the tree facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a
sign of salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said
this, I threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so
happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a
difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very large
and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation: I know
not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or shudder at
myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly, congratulate
yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my unhappiness, for I
swear to you that I feel it most sensibly.
These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were
only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made on
my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy
than a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found
among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I made
to myself on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death with
serenity, without having experienced any great evils, either of body or
mind. How much justice was there in the thought! A preconception of
what I had to suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I dreaded
the fate which must attend my future days. I have never been so near
wisdom as during this period, when I felt no great remorse for the past,
nor tormenting fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my soul
being the enjoyment of the present. Serious people usually possess a
lively sensuality, which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures
that are allowed them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them
as a crime: or rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, it is
because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights
which they have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, and found
it charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet
inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child,
or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an angel;
for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise.
Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor, gathering in
the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our neighbors; all these
were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warrens took as much pleasure as
myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure, because in them our
hearts expanded with greater freedom: one particularly remains in my
memory; it was on a St. Louis' day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we
set out together early and unattended, after having heard a mass at break
of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who attended
for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite our
dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on before;
the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, though
rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to hill and
wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, resting
from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; speaking of
ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and offering up
prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything conspired
to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days previous to
this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a gentle breeze
agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free from clouds,
serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner was prepared at
a peasant's house, and shared with him and his family, whose benedictions
we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest of people! After
dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking up bits of dried
sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warrens amused herself with
herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for her
in my way. She made me remark in their construction a thousand natural
beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a
taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was
arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me,
which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of my
mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every object
that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream I
had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I have given an
account of in its place. The similarity was so striking that it affected
me even to tears: in a transport of tenderness I embraced Madam de
Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I, "this day has long since been
promised me: I can see nothing beyond it: my happiness, by your means,
is at its height; may it never decrease; may it continue as long as I am
sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my life."
Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived nothing
that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the cause of
my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take another
course, which I directed with my utmost care to useful objects, that the
remedy might accompany the evil. Madam de Warrens naturally loved the
country, and this taste did not cool while with me. By little and little
she contracted a fondness for rustic employments, wished to make the most
of her land, and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised
with pleasure.
Not satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field,
then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of
agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was in the
way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to see this
passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it; for I was
certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal extravagant
disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits;
however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless,
and would at least help her to live. Of all the projects she could form,
this appeared the least ruinous: without regarding it, therefore, in the
light she did, as a profitable scheme, I considered it as a perpetual
employment, which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises, and out
of the reach of impostors. With this idea, I ardently wished to recover
my health and strength, that I might superintend her affairs, overlook
her laborers, or, rather, be the principal one myself. The exercise this
naturally obliged me to take, with the relaxation it procured me from
books and study, was serviceable to my health.
The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some
books; and among others, the 'Bontempi' and 'la Cartella per Musica', of
Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and for
the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained some
time with us, and as I had been of age some months, I determined to go to
Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother's inheritance, or at
least that part which belonged to me, till it could be ascertained what
had become of my brother. This plan was executed as it had been
resolved: I went to Geneva; my father met me there, for he had
occasionally visited Geneva a long time since, without its being
particularly noticed, though the decree that had been pronounced against
him had never been reversed; but being esteemed for his courage, and
respected for his probity, the situation of his affairs was pretended to
be forgotten; or perhaps, the magistrates, employed with the great
project that broke out some little time after, were not willing to alarm
the citizens by recalling to their memory, at an improper time, this
instance of their former partiality.