Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VI.
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Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VI.
I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of having
changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva being less
harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where, whoever changes his
religion, not only loses his freedom, but his property. My rights,
however, were not disputed: but I found my patrimony, I know not how,
reduced to very little, and though it was known almost to a certainty
that my brother was dead, yet, as there was no legal proof, I could not
lay claim to his share, which I left without regret to my father, who
enjoyed it as long as he lived. No sooner were the necessary formalities
adjusted, and I had received my money, some of which I expended in books,
than I flew with the remainder to Madam de Warrens; my heart beat with
joy during the journey, and the moment in which I gave the money into her
hands, was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it
into mine. She received this with a simplicity common to great souls,
who, doing similar actions without effort, see them without admiration;
indeed it was almost all expended for my use, for it would have been
employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter.
My health was not yet re-established; I decayed visibly, was pale as
death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my arteries
was extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of a continual
oppression, and my weakness became at length so great, that I could
scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation, stoop without
vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which reduced me to the most
tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself. It is
certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal. The vapors
is a malady common to people in fortunate situations: the tears I
frequently shed, without reason; the lively alarms I felt on the falling
of a leaf, or the fluttering of a bird; inequality of humor in the calm
of a most pleasing life; lassitude which made me weary even of happiness,
and carried sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of this. We
are so little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body do not
suffer together, they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences,
the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness
of the other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, my weakened frame
would not have permitted the enjoyment of them, without my being able to
particularize the real seat of my complaint; yet in the decline of life;
after having encountered very serious and real evils, my body seemed to
regain its strength, as if on purpose to encounter additional
misfortunes; and, at the moment I write this, though infirm, near sixty,
and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow, I feel more ability to suffer
than I ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age,
and in the bosom of real happiness.
To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other
readings: I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude,
movement, and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed
the human machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I expected
to feel mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from being surprised to
find myself dying, was astonished that I yet existed! I could not read
the description of any malady without thinking it mine, and, had I not
been already indisposed, I am certain I should have become so from this
study. Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine, I fancied I
had them all, and, at length, gained one more troublesome than any I yet
suffered, which I had thought myself delivered from; this was, a violent
inclination to seek a cure; which it is very difficult to suppress, when
once a person begins reading physical books. By searching, reflecting,
and comparing, I became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was
a polypus at the heart, and Doctor Salomon appeared to coincide with the
idea. Reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution
of considering myself past cure; this, however, was not the case; on the
contrary; I exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy
for a polypus, resolving to undertake this marvellous cure.
In a journey which Anet had made to Montpelier, to see the physical
garden there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had been
informed that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to that I
fancied myself afflicted with: Madam de Warrens, recollecting this
circumstance, mentioned it to me, and nothing more was necessary to
inspire me with a desire to consult Monsieur Fizes. The hope of recovery
gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey; the money from
Geneva furnished the means; Madam de Warrens, far from dissuading,
entreated me to go: behold me, therefore, without further ceremony, set
out for Montpelier!--but it was not necessary to go so far to find the
cure I was in search of.
Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a chaise at
Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises arrived in a
rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the train of a new
married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was a Madam de Larnage,
not so young or handsome as the former, yet not less amiable. The bride
was to stop at Romans, but the other lady was to pursue her route as far
as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St. Esprit. With my natural timidity
it will not be conjectured that I was very ready at forming an
acquaintance with these fine ladies, and the company that attended them;
but travelling the same road, lodging at the same inns, and being obliged
to eat at the same table, the acquaintance seemed unavoidable, as any
backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very
unsociable being: it was formed then, and even sooner than I desired,
for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health,
particularly to one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens
extremely insinuating; they accomplish their design of becoming
acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was
precisely what happened to me. Madam du Colombier was too much
surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much
attention to me; besides, it was not worthwhile, as we were to separate
in so short a time; but Madam de Larnage (less attended to than her young
friend) had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey; behold
me, then, attacked by Madam de Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean Jacques,
or rather farewell to fever, vapors, and polypus; all completely vanished
when in her presence. The ill state of my health was the first subject
of our conversation; they saw I was indisposed, knew I was going to
Montpelier, but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the
appearance of a libertine, since it was clear by what followed they did
not suspect I was going there for a reason that carries many that road.
In the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take
chocolate with them, and when I made my appearance asked how I had passed
the night. Once, according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without
thought, I replied, "I did not know," which answer naturally made them
conclude I was a fool: but, on questioning me further; the examination
turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in their opinion,
and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her friend, "He is amiable,
but not sufficiently acquainted with the world." These words were a
great encouragement, and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable.
As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some little
account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed me greatly,
for I was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit, the
very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know not by what
whimsicallity I resolved to pass for an Englishman; however, in
consequence of that determination I gave myself out for a Jacobite, and
was readily believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding, which was the
name I assumed with my new character, and a cursed Marquis Torignan, who
was one of the company, an invalid like myself, and both old and ill
--tempered, took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me. He
spoke of King James, of the Pretender, and the old court of
St. Germain's; I sat on thorns the whole time, for I was totally
unacquainted with all these except what little I had picked up in the
account of Earl Hamilton, and from the gazettes; however, I made such
fortunate use of the little I did know as to extricate myself from this
dilemma, happy in not being questioned on the English language, which I
did not know a single word of.
The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment of
separation with regret, and therefore made snails' journeys. We arrived
one Sunday at St. Marcelein's; Madam de Larnage would go to mass; I
accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for by my modest
reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me a bigot, and
conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I learned from her own
account two days after. It required a great deal of gallantry on my part
to efface this ill impression, or rather Madam de Larnage (who was not
easily disheartened) determined to risk the first advances, and see how I
should behave. She made several, but far from being presuming on my
figure, I thought she was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous
idea there was no folly I was not guilty of.
Madam de Larnage persisted in such caressing behavior, that a much wiser
man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously. The more obvious
her advances were, the more I was confirmed in my mistake, and what
increased my torment, I found I was really in love with her.
I frequently said to myself, and sometimes to her, sighing, "Ah! why is
not all this real? then should I be the most fortunate of men." I am
inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution, and make
her determined to get the better of it.
We left Madam du Colombier at Romans; after which Madam de Larnage, the
Marquis de Torignan, and myself continued our route slowly, and in the
most agreeable manner. The marquis, though indisposed, and rather
ill-humored, was an agreeable companion, but was not best pleased at
seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on me, while he passed
unregarded; for Madam de Larnage took so little care to conceal her
inclination, that he perceived it sooner than I did, and his sarcasms
must have given me that confidence I could not presume to take from the
kindness of the lady, if by a surmise, which no one but myself could
have blundered on, I had not imagined they perfectly understood each
other, and were agreed to turn my passion into ridicule. This foolish
idea completed my stupidity, making me act the most ridiculous part,
while, had I listened to the feelings of my heart, I might have been
performing one far more brilliant. I am astonished that Madam de
Larnage was not disgusted at my folly, and did not discard me with
disdain; but she plainly perceived there was more bashfulness than
indifference in my composition.
We arrived at Valence to dinner, and according to our usual custom passed
the remainder of the day there. We lodged out of the city, at the St.
James, an inn I shall never forget. After dinner, Madam de Larnage
proposed a walk; she knew the marquis was no walker, consequently, this
was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete, which she was predetermined to
make the most of. While we were walking round the city by the side of
the moats, I entered on a long history of my complaint, to which she
answered in so tender an accent, frequently pressing my arm, which she
held to her heart, that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced
of the sincerity of her attachment. I have already observed that she was
amiable; love rendered her charming, adding all the loveliness of youth:
and she managed her advances with so much art, that they were sufficient
to have seduced the most insensible: I was, therefore, in very uneasy
circumstances, and frequently on the point of making a declaration; but
the dread of offending her, and the still greater of being laughed at,
ridiculed, made table-talk, and complimented on my enterprise by the
satirical marquis, had such unconquerable power over me, that, though
ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness, I could not take courage to
surmount it. I had ended the history of my complaints, which I felt the
ridiculousness of at this time; and not knowing how to look, or what to
say, continued silent, giving the finest opportunity in the world for
that ridicule I so much dreaded. Happily, Madam de Larnage took a more
favorable resolution, and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing
her arms round my neck, while, at the same instant, her lips spoke too
plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood. This was reposing that
confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from
appearing myself: for once I was at ease, my heart, eyes and tongue,
spoke freely what I felt; never did I make better reparation for my
mistakes, and if this little conquest had cost Madam de Larnage some
difficulties, I have reason to believe she did not regret them.
Was I to live a hundred years, I should never forget this charming woman.
I say charming, for though neither young nor beautiful, she was neither
old nor ugly, having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit
and accomplishments from producing all their effects. It was possible to
see her without falling in love, but those she favored could not fail to
adore her; which proves, in my opinion, that she was not generally so
prodigal of her favors. It is true, her inclination for me was so sudden
and lively, that it scarce appears excusable; though from the short, but
charming interval I passed with her, I have reason to think her heart was
more influenced than her passions.
Our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis; not
that he discontinued his usual raillery; on the contrary, he treated me
as a sighing, hopeless swain, languishing under the rigors of his
mistress; not a word, smile, or look escaped him by which I could imagine
he suspected my happiness; and I should have thought him completely
deceived, had not Madam de Larnage, who was more clear-sighted than
myself, assured me of the contrary; but he was a well-bred man, and it
was impossible to behave with more attention or greater civility, than he
constantly paid me (notwithstanding his satirical sallies), especially
after my success, which, as he was unacquainted with my stupidity, he
perhaps gave me the honor of achieving. It has already been seen that he
was mistaken in this particular; but no matter, I profited by his error,
for being conscious that the laugh was on my side, I took all his sallies
in good part, and sometimes parried them with tolerable success; for,
proud of the reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage had thought fit to
discover in me, I no longer appeared the same man.
We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere
excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though I would
willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied
with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his footman on to
provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the order of his
master, the rogue always took care that the marquis' chamber should be
close by Madam de Larnage's, while mine was at the further end of the
house: but that made no great difference, or perhaps it rendered our
rendezvous the more charming; this happiness lasted four or five days,
during which time I was intoxicated with delight, which I tasted pure and
serene without any alloy; an advantage I could never boast before; and,
I may add, it is owing to Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of the
world without having tasted real pleasure.
If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at least a
very tender return of what she testified for me; our meetings were so
delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of love; without that kind
of delirium which affects the brain, and even tends to diminish our
happiness. I never experienced true love but once in my life, and that
was not with Madam de Larnage, neither did I feel that affection for her
which I had been sensible of, and yet continued to possess, for Madam de
Warrens; but for this very reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times
more delightful. When with Madam de Warrens, my felicity was always
disturbed by a secret sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it
impossible to surmount. Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of
so much happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing
to render her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Lamage,
I was proud of my happiness, and gave in to it without repugnance, while
my triumph redoubled every other charm.
I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided in
this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at Montelimar,
where Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise, and
accommodate me with a seat in hers. It will easily be believed, that
travelling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me, and that I
should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed
through. She had some business at Montelimar, which detained her there
two or three days; during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an
hour, for a visit she could not avoid, which embarrassed her with a
number of invitations she had no inclination to accept, and therefore
excused herself by pleading some indisposition; though she took care this
should not prevent our walking together every day, in the most charming
country, and under the finest sky imaginable. Oh! these three days!
what reason have I to regret them! Never did such happiness return
again.
The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary we
should part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that I was weary
of my happiness, but I might as well have been. We endeavored to comfort
each other for the pain of parting, by forming plans for our reunion; and
it was concluded, that after staying five or six weeks at Montpelier
(which would give Madam de Larnage time to prepare for my reception in
such a manner as to prevent scandal) I should return to Saint-Andiol, and
spend the winter under her direction. She gave me ample instruction on
what it was necessary I should know, on what it would be proper to say;
and how I should conduct myself. She spoke much and earnestly on the
care of my health, conjured me to consult skilful physicians, and be
attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might
happen to be. I believe her concern was sincere, for she loved me, and
gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her
favors; for judging by my mode of travelling, that I was not in very
affluent circumstances (though not rich herself), on our parting, she
would have had me share the contents of her purse, which she had brought
pretty well furnished from Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I
could make her put up with a denial. In a word, we parted; my heart full
of her idea, and leaving in hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm attachment
to me.
While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over
everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well
satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where I could
ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which awaited
my return. I only thought of Saint-Andiol; of the life I was to lead
there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to her; the
whole universe besides was nothing to me--even Madam de Warrens was
forgotten!--I set about combining all the details by which Madam de
Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house, of the
neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life, finding everything
charming.
She had a daughter, whom she had often described in the warmest terms of
maternal affection: this daughter was fifteen lively, charming, and of an
amiable disposition. Madam de Larnage promised me her friendship; I had
not forgotten that promise, and was curious to know how Mademoiselle de
Larnage would treat her mother's 'bon ami'. These were the subjects of
my reveries from the bridge of St. Esprit to Remoulin: I had been advised
to visit the Pont-du-Gard; hitherto I had seen none of the remaining
monuments of Roman magnificence, and I expected to find this worthy the
hands by which it was constructed; for once, the reality surpassed my
expectation; this was the only time in my life it ever did so, and the
Romans alone could have produced that effect. The view of this noble and
sublime work, struck me the more forcibly, from being in the midst of a
desert, where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more
striking, and admiration more lively, for though called a bridge it is
nothing more than an aqueduct. One cannot help exclaiming, what strength
could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry? And
what motive could have united the labors of so many millions of men, in a
place that no one inhabited? I remained here whole hours, in the most
ravishing contemplation, and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn.
This reverie was by no means favorable to Madam de Larnage; she had taken
care to forewarn me against the girls of Montpelier, but not against the
Pont-du-Gard--it is impossible to provide for every contingency.
On my arrival at Nismes, I went to see the amphitheatre, which is a far
more magnificent work than even the Pont-du-Gard, yet it made a much less
impression on me, perhaps, because my admiration had been already
exhausted on the former object; or that the situation of the latter, in
the midst of a city, was less proper to excite it. This vast and superb
circus is surrounded by small dirty houses, while yet smaller and dirtier
fill up the area, in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and
confused effect, in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and
surprise. The amphitheatre at Verona is a vast deal smaller, and less
beautiful than that at Nismes, but preserved with all possible care and
neatness, by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable
impression on me. The French pay no regard to these things, respect no
monument of antiquity; ever eager to undertake, they never finish, nor
preserve anything that is already finished to their hands.
I was so much better, and had gained such an appetite by exercise, that I
stopped a whole day at Pont-du-Lunel, for the sake of good entertainment
and company, this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best inn in
Europe; for those who kept it, knowing how to make its fortunate
situation turn to advantage, took care to provide both abundance and
variety. It was really curious to find in a lonely country-house, a
table every day furnished with sea and fresh-water fish, excellent game,
and choice wines, served up with all the attention and care, which are
only to be expected among the great or opulent, and all this for thirty
five sous each person: but the Pont-du-Lunel did not long remain on this
footing, for the proprietor, presuming too much on its reputation, at
length lost it entirely.
During this journey, I really forgot my complaints, but recollected them
again on my arrival at Montpelier. My vapors were absolutely gone, but
every other complaint remained, and though custom had rendered them less
troublesome, they were still sufficient to make any one who had been
suddenly seized with them, suppose himself attacked by some mortal
disease. In effect they were rather alarming than painful, and made the
mind suffer more than the body, though it apparently threatened the
latter with destruction. While my attention was called off by the
vivacity of my passions, I paid no attention to my health; but as my
complaints were not altogether imaginary, I thought of them seriously
when the tumult had subsided. Recollecting the salutary advice of Madam
de Larnage, and the cause of my journey, I consulted the most famous
practitioners, particularly Monsieur Fizes; and through superabundance of
precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an Irishman, and named
Fitz-Morris.
This person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physic;
and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid, he contented
himself with a moderate pension for provisions, lodging, etc., and took
nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician. He even undertook
to execute the orders of M. Fizes, and endeavored to re-establish my
health. He certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment; as
to regimen, indigestions were not to be gained at his table; and though I
am not much hurt at privations of that kind, the objects of comparison
were so near, that I could not help thinking with myself sometimes, that
M. de Torignan was a much better provider than M. Fitz-Morris;
notwithstanding, as there was no danger of, dying with hunger, and all
the youths were gay and good-humored, I believe this manner of living was
really serviceable, and prevented my falling into those languors I had
latterly been so subject to. I passed the morning in taking medicines,
particularly, I know not what kind of waters, but believe they were those
of Vals, and in writing to Madam de Larnage: for the correspondence was
regularly kept up, and Rousseau kindly undertook to receive these letters
for his good friend Dudding. At noon I took a walk to the Canourgue,
with some of our young boarders, who were all very good lads; after this
we assembled for dinner; when this was over, an affair of importance
employed the greater part of us till night; this was going a little way
out of town to take our afternoon's collation, and make up two or three
parties at mall, or mallet. As I had neither strength nor skill, I did
not play myself but I betted on the game, and, interested for the success
of my wager, followed the players and their balls over rough and stony
roads, procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise.
We took our afternoon's refreshment at an inn out of the city. I need
not observe that these meetings were extremely merry, but should not omit
that they were equally innocent, though the girls of the house were very
pretty. M. Fitz-Morris (who was a great mall player himself) was our
president; and I must observe, notwithstanding the imputation of wildness
that is generally bestowed on students, that I found more virtuous
dispositions among these youths than could easily be found among an equal
number of men: they were rather noisy than fond of wine, and more merry
than libertine.