Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VI.
J >>
Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Book VI.
I was neither dissolute nor sottish, never in my whole life having been
intoxicated with liquor; my little thefts were not very indiscreet, yet
they were discovered; the bottles betrayed me, and though no notice was
taken of it, I had no longer the management of the cellar. In all this
Monsieur Malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness, being
really a very deserving man, who, under a manner as harsh as his
employment, concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon
goodness of heart: he was judicious, equitable, and (what would not be
expected from an officer of the Marechausse) very humane.
Sensible of his indulgence, I became greatly attached to him, which made
my stay at Lyons longer than it would otherwise have been; but at length,
disgusted with an employment which I was not calculated for, and a
situation of great confinement, consequently disagreeable to me, after a
year's trial, during which time I spared no pains to fulfill my
engagement, I determined to quit my pupils; being convinced I should
never succeed in educating them properly. Monsieur Malby saw this as
clearly as myself, though I am inclined to think he would never have
dismissed me had I not spared him the trouble, which was an excess of
condescension in this particular, that I certainly cannot justify.
What rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison I
was continually drawing between the life I now led and that which I had
quitted; the remembrance of my dear Charmettes, my garden, trees,
fountain and orchard, but, above all, the company of her who was born to
give life and soul to every other enjoyment. On calling to mind our
pleasures and innocent life, I was seized with such oppressions and
heaviness of heart, as deprived me of the power of performing anything as
it should be. A hundred times was I tempted instantly to set off on foot
to my dear Madam de Warrens, being persuaded that could I once more see
her, I should be content to die that moment: in fine, I could no longer
resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her, whatever it
might cost me. I accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient,
complaisant and kind; concluding I might yet live happily with her on the
terms of tender friendship, and by showing more for her than I had
hitherto done. I formed the finest projects in the world, burned to
execute them, left all, renounced everything, departed, fled, and
arriving in all the transports of my early youth, found myself once more
at her feet. Alas! I should have died there with joy, had I found in
her reception, in her embrace, or in her heart, one-quarter of what I had
formerly found there, and which I yet found the undiminished warmth of.
Fearful illusions of transitory things, how often dost thou torment us in
vain! She received me with that excellence of heart which could only die
with her; but I sought the influence there which could never be recalled,
and had hardly been half an hour with her before I was once more
convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever, and that I was
in the same melancholy situation which I had been obliged to fly from;
yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness, for
Courtilles really was not to blame, appearing to see my return with more
pleasure than dissatisfaction. But how could I bear to be a secondary
person with her to whom I had been everything, and who could never cease
being such to me? How could I live an alien in that house where I had
been the child? The sight of every object that had been witness to my
former happiness, rendered the comparison yet more distressing; I should
have suffered less in any other habitation, for this incessantly recalled
such pleasing remembrances, that it was irritating the recollection of my
loss.
Consumed with vain regrets, given up to the most gloomy melancholy, I
resumed the custom of remaining alone, except at meals; shut up with my
books, I sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas, and feeling
the imminent danger of want, which I had so long dreaded, I sought means
to prepare for and receive it, when Madam de Warrens should have no other
resource. I had placed her household on a footing not to become worse;
but since my departure everything had been altered. He who now managed
her affairs was a spendthrift, and wished to make a great appearance;
such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings; loved to appear gay
in the eyes of the neighbors, and was perpetually undertaking something
he did not understand. Her pension was taken up in advance, her rent was
in arrears, debts of every kind continued to accumulate; I could plainly
foresee that her pension would be seized, and perhaps suppressed; in
short, I expected nothing but ruin and misfortune, and the moment
appeared to approach so rapidly that I already felt all its horrors.
My closet was my only amusement, and after a tedious search for remedies
for the sufferings of my mind, I determined to seek some against the evil
of distressing circumstances, which I daily expected would fall upon us,
and returning to my old chimeras, behold me once more building castles in
the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which
I saw her ready to fall. I did not believe myself wise enough to shine
in the republic of letters, or to stand any chance of making a fortune by
that means; a new idea, therefore, inspired me with that confidence,
which the mediocrity of my talents could not impart.
In ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it; on the
contrary, I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well
informed on the subject. When reflecting on the trouble it had cost me
to read music, and the great difficulty I yet experienced in singing at
sight, I began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of
noting as from my own dulness, being sensible it was an art which most
people find difficult to understand. By examining the formation of the
signs, I was convinced they were frequently very ill devised. I had
before thought of marking the gamut by figures, to prevent the trouble of
having lines to draw, on noting the plainest air; but had been stopped by
the difficulty of the octaves, and by the distinction of measure and
quantity: this idea returned again to my mind, and on a careful revision
of it, I found the difficulties by no means insurmountable. I pursued it
successfully, and was at length able to note any music whatever by
figures, with the greatest exactitude and simplicity. From this moment I
supposed my fortune made, and in the ardor of sharing it with her to whom
I owed everything, thought only of going to Paris, not doubting that on
presenting my project to the Academy, it would be adopted with rapture.
I had brought some money from Lyons; I augmented this stock by the sale
of my books, and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both
formed and executed: in short, full of the magnificent ideas it had
inspired, and which were common to me on every occasion, I departed from
Savoy with my new system of music, as I had formerly done from Turin with
my heron-fountain.
Such have been the errors and faults of my youth; I have related the
history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves; if my riper
years were dignified with some virtues, I should have related them with
the same frankness; it was my intention to have done this, but I must
forego this pleasing task and stop here. Time, which renders justice to
the characters of most men, may withdraw the veil; and should my memory
reach posterity, they may one day discover what I had to say--they will
then understand why I am now silent.