Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete

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Near Chambery I enjoyed an equal pleasing spectacle, though of a
different kind; the road passing near the foot of the most charming
cascade I ever saw. The water, which is very rapid, shoots from the top
of an excessively steep mountain, falling at such a distance from its
base that you may walk between the cascade and the rock without any
inconvenience; but if not particularly careful it is easy to be deceived
as I was, for the water, falling from such an immense height, separates,
and descends in a rain as fine as dust, and on approaching too near this
cloud, without perceiving it, you may be wet through in an instant.

At length I arrived at Madam de Warrens; she was not alone, the
intendant-general was with her. Without speaking a word to me, she
caught my hand, and presenting me to him with that natural grace which
charmed all hearts, said: "This, sir, is the poor young man I mentioned;
deign to protect him as long as he deserves it, and I shall feel no
concern for the remainder of his life." Then added, addressing herself
to me, "Child, you now belong to the king, thank Monsieur the Intendant,
who furnishes you with the means of existence." I stared without
answering, without knowing what to think of all this; rising ambition
almost turned my head; I was already prepared to act the intendant
myself. My fortune, however, was not so brilliant as I had imagined, but
it was sufficient to maintain me, which, as I was situated, was a capital
acquisition. I shall now explain the nature of my employment.

King Victor Amadeus, judging by the event of preceding wars, and the
situation of the ancient patrimony of his fathers, that he should not
long be able to maintain it, wished to drain it beforehand. Resolving,
therefore, to tax the nobility, he ordered a general survey of the whole
country, in order that it might be rendered more equal and productive.
This scheme, which was begun under the father, was completed by the son:
two or three hundred men, part surveyors, who were called geometricians,
and part writers, who were called secretaries, were employed in this
work: among those of the latter description Madam de Warrens had got me
appointed. This post, without being very lucrative, furnished the means
of living eligibly in that country; the misfortune was, this employment
could not be of any great duration, but it put me in train to procure
something better, as by this means she hoped to insure the particular
protection of the intendant, who might find me some more settled
occupation before this was concluded.

I entered on my new employment a few days after my arrival, and as there
was no great difficulty in the business, soon understood it; thus, after
four or five years of unsettled life, folly, and suffering, since my
departure from Geneva, I began, for the first time, to gain my bread with
credit.

These long details of my early youth must have appeared trifling, and I
am sorry for it: though born a man, in a variety of instances, I was long
a child, and am so yet in many particulars. I did not promise the public
a great personage: I promised to describe myself as I am, and to know me
in my advanced age it was necessary to have known me in my youth. As,
in general, objects that are present make less impression on me than the
bare remembrance of them (my ideas being all from recollection), the
first traits which were engraven on my mind have distinctly remained:
those which have since been imprinted there, have rather combined with
the former than effaced them. There is a certain, yet varied succession
of affections and ideas, which continue to regulate those that follow
them, and this progression must be known in order to judge rightly of
those they have influenced. I have studied to develop the first causes,
the better to show the concatenation of effects. I would be able by some
means to render my soul transparent to the eyes of the reader, and for
this purpose endeavor to show it in every possible point of view, to give
him every insight, and act in such a manner, that not a motion should
escape him, as by this means he may form a judgment of the principles
that produce them.

Did I take upon myself to decide, and say to the reader, "Such is my
character," he might think that if I did not endeavor to deceive him,
I at least deceived myself; but in, recounting simply all that has
happened to me, all my actions, thoughts, and feelings, I cannot lead him
into an error, unless I do it wilfully, which by this means I could not
easily effect, since it is his province to compare the elements, and
judge of the being they compose: thus the result must be his work, and if
he is then deceived the error will be his own. It is not sufficient for
this purpose that my recitals should be merely faithful, they must also
be minute; it is not for me to judge of the importance of facts, I ought
to declare them simply as they are, and leave the estimate that is to be
formed of them to him. I have adhered to this principle hitherto, with
the most scrupulous exactitude, and shall not depart from it in the
continuation; but the impressions of age are less lively than those of
youth; I began by delineating the latter: should I recollect the rest
with the same precision, the reader, may, perhaps, become weary and
impatient, but I shall not be dissatisfied with my labor. I have but one
thing to apprehend in this undertaking: I do not dread saying too much,
or advancing falsities, but I am fearful of not saying enough, or
concealing truths.





THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU
(In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903



BOOK V.


It was, I believe, in 1732, that I arrived at Chambery, as already
related, and began my employment of registering land for the king. I was
almost twenty-one, my mind well enough formed for my age, with respect to
sense, but very deficient in point of judgment, and needing every
instruction from those into whose hands I fell, to make me conduct myself
with propriety; for a few years' experience had not been able to cure me
radically of my romantic ideas; and notwithstanding the ills I had
sustained, I knew as little of the world, or mankind, as if I had never
purchased instruction. I slept at home, that is, at the house of Madam
de Warrens; but it was not as at Annecy: here were no gardens, no brook,
no landscape; the house was dark and dismal, and my apartment the most
gloomy of the whole. The prospect a dead wall, an alley instead of a
street, confined air, bad light, small rooms, iron bars, rats, and a
rotten floor; an assemblage of circumstances that do not constitute a
very agreeable habitation; but I was in the same house with my best
friend, incessantly near her, at my desk, or in chamber, so that I could
not perceive the gloominess of my own, or have time to think of it.
It may appear whimsical that she should reside at Chambery on purpose to
live in this disagreeable house; but it was a trait of contrivance which
I ought not to pass over in silence. She had no great inclination for a
journey to Turin, fearing that after the recent revolutions, and the
agitation in which the court yet was, she should not be very favorably
received there; but her affairs seemed to demand her presence, as she
feared being forgotten or ill-treated, particularly as the Count de
Saint-Laurent, Intendent-general of the Finances, was not in her
interest. He had an old house in Chambery, ill-built, and standing in so
disagreeable a situation that it was always untenanted; she hired, and
settled in this house, a plan that succeeded much better than a journey
to Turin would have done, for her pension was not suppressed, and the
Count de Saint-Laurent was ever after one of her best friends.

Her household was much on the old footing; her faithful Claude Anet still
remained with her. He was, as I have before mentioned, a peasant of
Moutru, who in his childhood had gathered herbs in Jura for the purpose
of making Swiss tea; she had taken him into her service for his knowledge
of drugs, finding it convenient to have a herbalist among her domestics.
Passionately fond of the study of plants, he became a real botanist, and
had he not died young, might have acquired as much fame in that science
as he deserved for being an honest man. Serious even to gravity, and
older than myself, he was to me a kind of tutor, commanding respect, and
preserving me from a number of follies, for I dared not forget myself
before him. He commanded it likewise from his mistress, who knew his
understanding, uprightness, and inviolable attachment to herself, and
returned it. Claude Anet was of an uncommon temper. I never encountered
a similar disposition: he was slow, deliberate, and circumspect in his
conduct; cold in his manner; laconic and sententious in his discourse;
yet of an impetuosity in his passions, which (though careful to conceal)
preyed upon him inwardly, and urged him to the only folly he ever
committed; that folly, indeed was terrible, it was poisoning himself.
This tragic scene passed soon after my arrival, and opened my eyes to the
intimacy that subsisted between Claude Anet and his mistress, for had not
the information come from her, I should never have suspected it; yet,
surely, if attachment, fidelity, and zeal, could merit such a recompense,
it was due to him, and what further proves him worthy such a distinction,
he never once abused her confidence. They seldom disputed, and their
disagreements ever ended amicably; one, indeed, was not so fortunate;
his mistress, in a passion, said something affronting, which not being
able to digest, he consulted only with despair, and finding a bottle of
laudanum at hand, drank it off; then went peaceably to bed, expecting to
awake no more. Madam de Warrens herself was uneasy, agitated, wandering
about the house and happily--finding the phial empty--guessed the rest.
Her screams, while flying to his assistance, alarmed me; she confessed
all, implored my help, and was fortunate enough, after repeated efforts,
to make him throw up the laudanum. Witness of this scene, I could not
but wonder at my stupidity in never having suspected the connection; but
Claude Anet was so discreet, that a more penetrating observer might have
been deceived. Their reconciliation affected me, and added respect to
the esteem I before felt for him. From this time I became, in some
measure, his pupil, nor did I find myself the worse for his instruction.

I could not learn, without pain, that she lived in greater intimacy with
another than with myself: it was a situation I had not even thought of,
but (which was very natural) it hurt me to see another in possession of
it. Nevertheless, instead of feeling any aversion to the person who had
this advantage over me, I found the attachment I felt for her actually
extend to him. I desired her happiness above all things, and since he
was concerned in her plan of felicity, I was content he should be happy
likewise. Meantime he perfectly entered into the views of his mistress;
conceived a sincere friendship for me, and without affecting the
authority his situation might have entitled him to, he naturally
possessed that which his superior judgment gave him over mine. I dared
do nothing he disproved of, but he was sure to disapprove only what
merited disapprobation: thus we lived in an union which rendered us
mutually happy, and which death alone could dissolve.

One proof of the excellence of this amiable woman's character, is, that
all those who loved her, loved each other; even jealousy and rivalship
submitting to the more powerful sentiment with which she inspired them,
and I never saw any of those who surrounded her entertain the least ill
will among themselves. Let the reader pause a moment on this encomium,
and if he can recollect any other woman who deserves it, let him attach
himself to her, if he would obtain happiness.

From my arrival at Chambery to my departure for Paris, 1741, included an
interval of eight or nine years, during which time I have few adventures
to relate; my life being as simple as it was agreeable. This uniformity
was precisely what was most wanting to complete the formation of my
character, which continual troubles had prevented from acquiring any
degree of stability. It was during this pleasing interval, that my
unconnected, unfinished education, gained consistence, and made me what I
have unalterably remained amid the storms with which I have since been
surrounded.

The progress was slow, almost imperceptible, and attended by few
memorable circumstances; yet it deserves to be followed and investigated.

At first, I was wholly occupied with my business, the constraint of a
desk left little opportunity for other thoughts, the small portion of
time I was at liberty was passed with my dear Madam de Warrens, and not
having leisure to read, I felt no inclination for it; but when my
business (by daily repetition) became familiar, and my mind was less
occupied, study again became necessary, and (as my desires were ever
irritated by any difficulty that opposed the indulgence of them) might
once more have become a passion, as at my master's, had not other
inclinations interposed and diverted it.

Though our occupation did not demand a very profound skill in arithmetic,
it sometimes required enough to puzzle me. To conquer this difficulty,
I purchased books which treated on that science, and learned well, for I
now studied alone. Practical arithmetic extends further than is usually
supposed if you would attain exact precision. There are operations of
extreme length in which I have sometimes seen good geometricians lose
themselves. Reflection, assisted by practice, gives clear ideas, and
enables you to devise shorter methods, these inventions flatter our
self-complacency, while their exactitude satisfies our understanding, and
renders a study pleasant, which is, of itself, heavy and unentertaining.
At length I became so expert as not to be puzzled by any question that
was solvable by arithmetical calculation; and even now, while everything
I formerly knew fades daily on my memory, this acquirement, in a great
measure remains, through an interval of thirty years. A few days ago,
in a journey I made to Davenport, being with my host at an arithmetical
lesson given his children, I did (with pleasure, and without errors) a
most complicated work. While setting down my figures, methought I was
still at Chambery, still in my days of happiness--how far had I to look
back for them!

The colored plans of our geometricians had given me a taste for drawing:
accordingly I bought colors, and began by attempting flowers and
landscapes. It was unfortunate that I had not talents for this art,
for my inclination was much disposed to it, and while surrounded with
crayons, pencils, and colors, I could have passed whole months without
wishing to leave them. This amusement engaged me so much that they were
obliged to force me from it; and thus it is with every inclination I give
into, it continues to augment, till at length it becomes so powerful,
that I lose sight of everything except the favorite amusement. Years
have not been able to cure me of that fault, nay, have not even
diminished it; for while I am writing this, behold me, like an old
dotard, infatuated with another, to me useless study, which I do not
understand, and which even those who have devoted their youthful days to
the acquisition of, are constrained to abandon, at the age I am beginning
with it.

At that time, the study I am now speaking of would have been well placed,
the opportunity was good, and I had some temptation to profit by it; for
the satisfaction I saw in the eyes of Anet, when he came home loaded with
new discovered plants, set me two or three times on the point of going to
herbalize with him, and I am almost certain that had I gone once,
I should have been caught, and perhaps at this day might have been an
excellent botanist, for I know no study more congenial to my natural
inclination, than that of plants; the life I have led for these ten years
past, in the country, being little more than a continual herbalizing,
though I must confess, without object, and without improvement; but at
the time I am now speaking of I had no inclination for botany, nay,
I even despised, and was disgusted at the idea, considering it only as a
fit study for an apothecary. Madam de Warrens was fond of it merely for
this purpose, seeking none but common plants to use in her medical
preparations; thus botany, chemistry, and anatomy were confounded in my
idea under the general denomination of medicine, and served to furnish me
with pleasant sarcasms the whole day, which procured me, from time to
time, a box on the ear, applied by Madam de Warrens. Besides this, a
very contrary taste grew up with me, and by degrees absorbed all others;
this was music. I was certainly born for that science, I loved it from
my infancy, and it was the only inclination I have constantly adhered to;
but it is astonishing that what nature seemed to have designed me for
should have cost so much pains to learn, and that I should acquire it so
slowly, that after a whole life spent in the practice of this art,
I could never attain to sing with any certainty at sight. What rendered
the study of music more agreeable to me at that time, was, being able to
practise it with Madam de Warrens. In other respects our tastes were
widely different: this was a point of coincidence, which I loved to avail
myself of. She had no more objection to this than myself. I knew at
that time almost as much of it as she did, and after two or three
efforts, we could make shift to decipher an air. Sometimes, when I saw
her busy at her furnace, I have said, "Here now is a charming duet, which
seems made for the very purpose of spoiling your drugs;" her answer would
be, "If you make me burn them, I'll make you eat them:" thus disputing, I
drew her to the harpsichord; the furnace was presently forgotten, the
extract of juniper or wormwood calcined (which I cannot recollect without
transport), and these scenes usually ended by her smearing my face with
the remains of them.

It may easily be conjectured that I had plenty of employment to fill up
my leisure hours; one amusement, however, found room, that was well worth
all the rest.

We lived in such a confined dungeon, that it was necessary sometimes to
breathe the open air; Anet, therefore, engaged Madam de Warrens to hire a
garden in the suburbs, both for this purpose and the convenience of
rearing plants, etc.; to this garden was added a summer--house, which was
furnished in the customary manner; we sometimes dined, and I frequently
slept, there. Insensibly I became attached to this little retreat,
decorated it with books and prints, spending part of my time in
ornamenting it during the absence of Madam de Warrens, that I might
surprise her the more agreeably on her return. Sometimes I quitted this
dear friend, that I might enjoy the uninterrupted pleasure of thinking on
her; this was a caprice I can neither excuse nor fully explain, I only
know this really was the case, and therefore I avow it. I remember Madam
de Luxembourg told me one day in raillery, of a man who used to leave his
mistress that he might enjoy the satisfaction of writing to her; I
answered, I could have been this man; I might have added, That I had done
the very same.

I did not, however, find it necessary to leave Madam de Warrens that I
might love her the more ardently, for I was ever as perfectly free with
her as when alone; an advantage I never enjoyed with any other person,
man or woman, however I might be attached to them; but she was so often
surrounded by company who were far from pleasing me, that spite and
weariness drove me to this asylum, where I could indulge the idea,
without danger of being interrupted by impertinence. Thus, my time being
divided between business, pleasure, and instruction, my life passed in
the most absolute serenity. Europe was not equally tranquil: France and
the emperor had mutually declared war, the King of Sardinia had entered
into the quarrel, and a French army had filed off into Piedmont to awe
the Milanese. Our division passed through Chambery, and, among others,
the regiment of Champaigne, whose colonel was the Duke de la Trimouille,
to whom I was presented. He promised many things, but doubtless never
more thought of me. Our little garden was exactly at the end of the
suburb by which the troops entered, so that I could fully satisfy my
curiosity in seeing them pass, and I became as anxious for the success of
the war as if it had nearly concerned me. Till now I had never troubled
myself about politics, for the first time I began reading the gazettes,
but with so much partiality on the side of France, that my heart beat
with rapture on its most trifling advantages, and I was as much afflicted
on a reverse of fortune, as if I had been particularly concerned.

Had this folly been transient, I should not, perhaps, have mentioned it,
but it took such root in my heart (without any reasonable cause) that
when I afterwards acted the anti-despot and proud republican at Paris, in
spite of myself, I felt a secret predilection for the nation I declared
servile, and for that government I affected to oppose. The pleasantest
of all was that, ashamed of an inclination so contrary to my professed
maxims, I dared not own it to any one, but rallied the French on their
defeats, while my heart was more wounded than their own. I am certainly
the first man, that, living with a people who treated him well, and whom
he almost adored, put on, even in their own country, a borrowed air of
despising them; yet my original inclination is so powerful, constant,
disinterested, and invincible, that even since my quitting that kingdom,
since its government, magistrates, and authors, have outvied each other
in rancor against me, since it has become fashionable to load me with
injustice and abuse, I have not been able to get rid of this folly, but
notwithstanding their ill-treatment, love them in spite of myself.

I long sought the cause of this partiality, but was never able to find
any, except in the occasion that gave it birth. A rising taste for
literature attached me to French books, to their authors, and their
country: at the very moment the French troops were passing Chambery, I
was reading Brantome's 'Celebrated Captains'; my head was full of the
Clissons, Bayards, Lautrecs Colignys, Monlmoreneys, and Trimouille, and I
loved their descendants as the heirs of their merit and courage. In each
regiment that passed by methought I saw those famous black bands who had
formerly done so many noble exploits in Piedmont; in fine, I applied to
these all the ideas I had gathered from books; my reading continued,
which, still drawn from the same nation, nourished my affection for that
country, till, at length, it became a blind passion, which nothing could
overcome. I have had occasion to remark several times in the course of
my travels, that this impression was not peculiar to me for France, but
was more or less active in every country, for that part of the nation who
were fond of literature, and cultivated learning; and it was this
consideration that balanced in my mind the general hatred which the
conceited air of the French is so apt to inspire. Their romances, more
than their men, attract the women of all countries, and the celebrated
dramatic pieces of France create a fondness in youth for their theaters;
the reputation which that of Paris in particular has acquired, draws to
it crowds of strangers, who return enthusiasts to their own country: in
short, the excellence of their literature captivates the senses, and in
the unfortunate war just ended, I have seen their authors and
philosophers maintain the glory of France, so tarnished by its warriors.

I was, therefore, an ardent Frenchman; this rendered me a politician, and
I attended in the public square, amid a throng of news-mongers, the
arrival of the post, and, sillier than the ass in the fable, was very
uneasy to know whose packsaddle I should next have the honor to carry,
for it was then supposed we should belong to France, and that Savoy would
be exchanged for Milan. I must confess, however, that I experienced some
uneasiness, for had this war terminated unfortunately for the allies, the
pension of Madam de Warrens would have been in a dangerous situation;
nevertheless, I had great confidence in my good friends, the French, and
for once (in spite of the surprise of M. de Broglio) my confidence was
not ill-founded--thanks to the King of Sardinia, whom I had never thought
of.

While we were fighting in Italy, they were singing in France: the operas
of Rameau began to make a noise there, and once more raise the credit of
his theoretic works, which, from their obscurity, were within the compass
of very few understandings. By chance I heard of his 'Treatise on
Harmony', and had no rest till I purchased it. By another chance I fell
sick; my illness was inflammatory, short and violent, but my
convalescence was tedious, for I was unable to go abroad for a whole
month. During this time I eagerly ran over my Treatise on Harmony, but
it was so long, so diffuse, and so badly disposed, that I found it would
require a considerable time to unravel it: accordingly I suspended my
inclination, and recreated my sight with music.

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