Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete

J >> Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete




My brother, who was seven years older than myself, was brought up to my
father's profession. The extraordinary affection they lavished on me
might be the reason he was too much neglected: this certainly was a fault
which cannot be justified. His education and morals suffered by this
neglect, and he acquired the habits of a libertine before he arrived at
an age to be really one. My father tried what effect placing him with a
master would produce, but he still persisted in the same ill conduct.
Though I saw him so seldom that it could hardly be said we were
acquainted. I loved him tenderly, and believe he had as strong an
affection for me as a youth of his dissipated turn of mind could be
supposed capable of. One day, I remember, when my father was correcting
him severely, I threw myself between them, embracing my brother, whom I
covered with my body, receiving the strokes designed for him; I persisted
so obstinately in my protection, that either softened by my cries and
tears, or fearing to hurt me most, his anger subsided, and he pardoned
his fault. In the end, my brother's conduct became so bad that he
suddenly disappeared, and we learned some time after that he was in
Germany, but he never wrote to us, and from that day we heard no news of
him: thus I became an only son.

If this poor lad was neglected, it was quite different with his brother,
for the children of a king could not be treated with more attention and
tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy, being the darling of the
family; and what is rather uncommon, though treated as a beloved, never
a spoiled child; was never permitted, while under paternal inspection,
to play in the street with other children; never had any occasion to
contradict or indulge those fantastical humors which are usually
attributed to nature, but are in reality the effects of an injudicious
education. I had the faults common to my age, was talkative, a glutton,
and sometimes a liar, made no scruple of stealing sweetmeats, fruits,
or, indeed, any kind of eatables; but never took delight in mischievous
waste, in accusing others, or tormenting harmless animals. I recollect,
indeed, that one day, while Madam Clot, a neighbor of ours, was gone to
church, I made water in her kettle: the remembrance even now makes me
smile, for Madame Clot (though, if you please, a good sort of creature)
was one of the most tedious grumbling old women I ever knew. Thus have I
given a brief, but faithful, history of my childish transgressions.

How could I become cruel or vicious, when I had before my eyes only
examples of mildness, and was surrounded by some of the best people in
the world? My father, my aunt, my nurse, my relations, our friends, our
neighbors, all I had any connection with, did not obey me, it is true,
but loved me tenderly, and I returned their affection. I found so little
to excite my desires, and those I had were so seldom contradicted, that I
was hardly sensible of possessing any, and can solemnly aver I was an
absolute stranger to caprice until after I had experienced the authority
of a master.

Those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my father,
or walking with my governess, Jaqueline, I spent with my aunt; and
whether seeing her embroider, or hearing her sing, whether sitting or
standing by her side, I was ever happy. Her tenderness and unaffected
gayety, the charms of her figure and countenance have left such indelible
impressions on my mind, that her manner, look, and attitude are still
before my eyes; I recollect a thousand little caressing questions; could
describe her clothes, her head-dress, nor have the two curls of fine
black hair which hung on her temples, according to the mode of that time,
escaped my memory.

Though my taste, or rather passion, for music, did not show itself until
a considerable time after, I am fully persuaded it is to her I am
indebted for it. She knew a great number of songs, which she sung with
great sweetness and melody. The serenity and cheerfulness which were
conspicuous in this lovely girl, banished melancholy, and made all round
her happy.

The charms of her voice had such an effect on me, that not only several
of her songs have ever since remained on my memory, but some I have not
thought of from my infancy, as I grow old, return upon my mind with a
charm altogether inexpressible. Would any one believe that an old dotard
like me, worn out with care and infirmity, should sometime surprise
himself weeping like a child, and in a voice querulous, and broken by
age, muttering out one of those airs which were the favorites of my
infancy? There is one song in particular, whose tune I perfectly
recollect, but the words that compose the latter half of it constantly
refuse every effort to recall them, though I have a confused idea of the
rhymes. The beginning, with what I have been able to recollect of the
remainder, is as follows:

Tircis, je n'ose
Ecouter ton Chalumeau
Sous l'Ormeau;
Car on en cause
Deja dans notre hameau.
---- ---- -------
------ --- un Berger
s'engager
sans danger,
Et toujours l'epine est sons la rose.


I have endeavored to account for the invincible charm my heart feels on
the recollection of this fragment, but it is altogether inexplicable.
I only know, that before I get to the end of it, I always find my voice
interrupted by tenderness, and my eyes suffused with tears. I have a
hundred times formed the resolution of writing to Paris for the remainder
of these words, if any one should chance to know them: but I am almost
certain the pleasure I take in the recollection would be greatly
diminished was I assured any one but my poor aunt Susan had sung them.

Such were my affections on entering this life. Thus began to form and
demonstrate itself, a heart, at once haughty and tender, a character
effeminate, yet invincible; which, fluctuating between weakness and
courage, luxury and virtue, has ever set me in contradiction to myself;
causing abstinence and enjoyment, pleasure and prudence, equally to shun
me.

This course of education was interrupted by an accident, whose
consequences influenced the rest of my life. My father had a quarrel
with M. G----, who had a captain's commission in France, and was related
to several of the Council. This G----, who was an insolent, ungenerous
man, happening to bleed at the nose, in order to be revenged, accused my
father of having drawn his sword on him in the city, and in consequence
of this charge they were about to conduct him to prison. He insisted
(according to the law of this republic) that the accuser should be
confined at the same time; and not being able to obtain this, preferred a
voluntary banishment for the remainder of his life, to giving up a point
by which he must sacrifice his honor and liberty.

I remained under the tuition of my uncle Bernard, who was at that time
employed in the fortifications of Geneva. He had lost his eldest
daughter, but had a son about my own age, and we were sent together to
Bossey, to board with the Minister Lambercier. Here we were to learn
Latin, with all the insignificant trash that has obtained the name of
education.

Two years spent in this village softened, in some degree, my Roman
fierceness, and again reduced me to a state of childhood. At Geneva,
where nothing was exacted, I loved reading, which was, indeed, my
principal amusement; but, at Bossey, where application was expected,
I was fond of play as a relaxation. The country was so new, so charming
in my idea, that it seemed impossible to find satiety in its enjoyments,
and I conceived a passion for rural life, which time has not been able to
extinguish; nor have I ever ceased to regret the pure and tranquil
pleasures I enjoyed at this place in my childhood; the remembrance having
followed me through every age, even to that in which I am hastening again
towards it.

M. Lambercier was a worthy, sensible man, who, without neglecting our
instruction, never made our acquisitions burthensome, or tasks tedious.
What convinces me of the rectitude of his method is, that notwithstanding
my extreme aversion to restraint, the recollection of my studies is never
attended with disgust; and, if my improvement was trivial, it was
obtained with ease, and has never escaped memory.

The simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in opening my
heart to the reception of true friendship. The sentiments I had hitherto
formed on this subject were extremely elevated, but altogether imaginary.
The habit of living in this peaceful manner soon united me tenderly to my
cousin Bernard; my affection was more ardent than that I had felt for my
brother, nor has time ever been able to efface it. He was a tall, lank,
weakly boy, with a mind as mild as his body was feeble, and who did not
wrong the good opinion they were disposed to entertain for the son of my
guardian. Our studies, amusements, and tasks, were the same; we were
alone; each wanted a playmate; to separate would in some measure, have
been to annihilate us. Though we had not many opportunities of
demonstrating our attachment to each other, it was certainly extreme; and
so far from enduring the thought of separation, we could not even form an
idea that we should ever be able to submit to it. Each of a disposition
to be won by kindness, and complaisant, when not soured by contradiction,
we agreed in every particular. If, by the favor of those who governed us
he had the ascendant while in their presence, I was sure to acquire it
when we were alone, and this preserved the equilibrium so necessary in
friendship. If he hesitated in repeating his task, I prompted him; when
my exercises were finished, I helped to write his; and, in our
amusements, my disposition being most active, ever had the lead. In a
word, our characters accorded so well, and the friendship that subsisted
between us was so cordial, that during the five years we were at Bossey
and Geneva we were inseparable: we often fought, it is true, but there
never was any occasion to separate us. No one of our quarrels lasted
more than a quarter of an hour, and never in our lives did we make any
complaint of each other. It may be said, these remarks are frivolous;
but, perhaps, a similiar example among children can hardly be produced.

The manner in which I passed my time at Bossey was so agreeable to my
disposition, that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have
fixed my character, which would have had only peaceable, affectionate,
benevolent sentiments for its basis. I believe no individual of our kind
ever possessed less natural vanity than myself. At intervals, by an
extraordinary effort, I arrived at sublime ideas, but presently sunk
again into my original languor. To be loved by every one who knew me was
my most ardent wish. I was naturally mild, my cousin was equally so, and
those who had the care of us were of similiar dispositions. Everything
contributed to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted
in my breast, and during the two years I was neither the victim nor
witness of any violent emotions.

I knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content, not only with
me, but all that concerned them. When repeating our catechism at church,
nothing could give me greater vexation, on being obliged to hesitate,
than to see Miss Lambercier's countenance express disapprobation and
uneasiness. This alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of
faltering before so many witnesses, which, notwithstanding, was
sufficiently painful; for though not oversolicitous of praise, I was
feelingly alive to shame; yet I can truly affirm, the dread of being
reprimanded by Miss Lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of making
her uneasy.

Neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity, but
as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause, I was more afflicted
at their disapprobation than the punishment. Certainly the method of
treating youth would be altered if the distant effects, this
indiscriminate, and frequently indiscreet method produces, were more
conspicuous. I would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation,
did not the lesson this example conveys (which points out an evil as
frequent as it is pernicious) forbid my silence.

As Miss Lambercier felt a mother's affection, she sometimes exerted a
mother's authority, even to inflicting on us when we deserved it, the
punishment of infants. She had often threatened it, and this threat of a
treatment entirely new, appeared to me extremely dreadful; but I found
the reality much less terrible than the idea, and what is still more
unaccountable, this punishment increased my affection for the person who
had inflicted it. All this affection, aided by my natural mildness, was
scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking, by fresh offences, a return of
the same chastisement; for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the
smart and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition. I was
well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have produced a
quite contrary effect; but from a man of his disposition this was not
probable, and if I abstained from meriting correction it was merely from
a fear of offending Miss Lambercier, for benevolence, aided by the
passions, has ever maintained an empire over me which has given law to my
heart.

This event, which, though desirable, I had not endeavored to accelerate,
arrived without my fault; I should say, without my seeking; and I
profited by it with a safe conscience; but this second, was also the last
time, for Miss Lambercier, who doubtless had some reason to imagine this
chastisement did not produce the desired effect, declared it was too
fatiguing, and that she renounced it for the future. Till now we had
slept in her chamber, and during the winter, even in her bed; but two
days after another room was prepared for us, and from that moment I had
the honor (which I could very well have dispensed with) of being treated
by her as a great boy.

Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight years old,
from the hands of a woman of thirty, should influence my propensities,
my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a
contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected? The very
incident that inflamed my senses, gave my desires such an extraordinary
turn, that, confined to what I had already experienced, I sought no
further, and, with blood boiling with sensuality, almost from my birth,
preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose
their insensibility; long tormented, without knowing by what, I gazed on
every handsome woman with delight; imagination incessantly brought their
charms to my remembrance, only to transform them into so many Miss
Lamberciers.

If ever education was perfectly chaste, it was certainly that I received;
my three aunts were not only of exemplary prudence, but maintained a
degree of modest reserve which women have long since thought unnecessary.
My father, it is true, loved pleasure, but his gallantry was rather of
the last than the present century, and he never expressed his affection
for any woman he regarded in terms a virgin could have blushed at;
indeed, it was impossible more attention should be paid to that regard we
owe the morals of children than was uniformly observed by every one I had
any concern with. An equal degree of reserve in this particular was
observed at M. Lambercier's, where a good maid-servant was discharged for
having once made use of an expression before us which was thought to
contain some degree of indelicacy. I had no precise idea of the ultimate
effect of the passions, but the conception I had formed was extremely
disgusting; I entertained a particular aversion for courtesans, nor could
I look on a rake without a degree of disdain mingled with terror.

These prejudices of education, proper in themselves to retard the first
explosions of a combustible constitution, were strengthened, as I have
already hinted, by the effect the first moments of sensuality produced in
me, for notwithstanding the troublesome ebullition of my blood, I was
satisfied with the species of voluptuousness I had already been
acquainted with, and sought no further.

Thus I passed the age of puberty, with a constitution extremely ardent,
without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of the
passions than what Miss Lambercier had innocently given me an idea of;
and when I became a man, that childish taste, instead of vanishing, only
associated with the other. This folly, joined to a natural timidity, has
always prevented my being very enterprising with women, so that I have
passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admired,
without daring to disclose my wishes.

To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates, or
implore pardon, were for me the most exquisite enjoyments, and the more
my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively imagination the more I
acquired the appearance of a whining lover.

It will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not
attended with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its
object; yet, though I have few favors to boast of, I have not been
excluded from enjoyment, however imaginary. Thus the senses, in
concurrence with a mind equally timid and romantic, have preserved my
moral chaste, and feelings uncorrupted, with precisely the same
inclinations, which, seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery,
might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses.

I have made the first, most difficult step, in the obscure and painful
maze of my Confessions. We never feel so great a degree of repugnance in
divulging what is really criminal, as what is merely ridiculous. I am
now assured of my resolution, for after what I have dared disclose,
nothing can have power to deter me. The difficulty attending these
acknowledgments will be readily conceived, when I declare, that during
the whole of my life, though frequently laboring under the most violent
agitation, being hurried away with the impetuosity of a passion which
(when in company with those I loved) deprived me of the faculty of sight
and hearing, I could never, in the course of the most unbounded
familiarity, acquire sufficient resolution to declare my folly, and
implore the only favor that remained to bestow.

In thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence, I find
elements, which, though seemingly incompatible, have united to produce a
simple and uniform effect; while others, apparently the same, have, by
the concurrence of certain circumstances, formed such different
combinations, that it would never be imagined they had any affinity; who
would believe, for example, that one of the most vigorous springs of my
soul was tempered in the identical source from whence luxury and ease
mingled with my constitution and circulated in my veins? Before I quit
this subject, I will add a striking instance of the different effects
they produced.

One day, while I was studying in a chamber contiguous to the kitchen, the
maid set some of Miss Lambercier's combs to dry by the fire, and on
coming to fetch them some time after, was surprised to find the teeth of
one of them broken off. Who could be suspected of this mischief? No one
but myself had entered the room: I was questioned, but denied having any
knowledge of it. Mr. and Miss Lambercier consult, exhort, threaten, but
all to no purpose; I obstinately persist in the denial; and, though this
was the first time I had been detected in a confirmed falsehood,
appearances were so strong that they overthrew all my protestations.
This affair was thought serious; the mischief, the lie, the obstinacy,
were considered equally deserving of punishment, which was not now to be
administered by Miss Lambercier. My uncle Bernard was written to; he
arrived; and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less serious,
we were conducted to the same execution, which was inflicted with great
severity. If finding a remedy in the evil itself, they had sought ever
to allay my depraved desires, they could not have chosen a shorter method
to accomplish their designs, and, I can assure my readers, I was for a
long time freed from the dominion of them.

As this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment,
which obstinacy brought on several repetitions, and reduced me to a
deplorable situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined to
suffer death rather than submit. Force, at length, was obliged to yield
to the diabolical infatuation of a child, for no better name was bestowed
on my constancy, and I came out of this dreadful trial, torn, it is true,
but triumphant. Fifty years have expired since this adventure--the fear
of punishment is no more. Well, then, I aver, in the face of Heaven, I
was absolutely innocent: and, so far from breaking, or even touching the
comb, never came near the fire. It will be asked, how did this mischief
happen? I can form no conception of it, I only know my own innocence.

Let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits were
docility and timidity, but haughty, ardent, and invincible, in its
passions; a child, hitherto governed by the voice of reason, treated with
mildness, equity, and complaisance, who could not even support the idea
of injustice, experiencing, for the first time, so violent an instance of
it, inflicted by those he most loved and respected. What perversion of
ideas! What confusion in the heart, the brain, in all my little being,
intelligent and moral!--let any one, I say, if possible, imagine all
this, for I am incapable of giving the least idea of what passed in my
mind at that period.

My reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put myself in
the place of others, and judge how much appearances condemned me, I only
beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement, inflicted for a crime I had
not committed; yet I can truly affirm, the smart I suffered, though
violent, was inconsiderable compared to what I felt from indignation,
rage, and despair. My cousin, who was almost in similar circumstances,
having been punished for an involuntary fault as guilty of a premediated
crime, became furious by my example. Both in the same bed, we embraced
each other with convulsive transport; we were almost suffocated; and when
our young hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our indigination,
we sat up in the bed, and with all our force, repeated a hundred times,
Carnifex! Carnifex! Carnifex! executioner, tormentor.

Even while I write this I feel my pulse quicken, and should I live a
hundred thousand years, the agitation of that moment would still be fresh
in my memory. The first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply
engraved on my soul, that every relative idea renews my emotion: the
sentiment of indignation, which in its origin had reference only to
myself, has acquired such strength, and is at present so completely
detached from personal motives, that my heart is as much inflamed at the
sight or relation of any act of injustice (whatever may be the object, or
wheresoever it may be perpetrated) as if I was the immediate sufferer.
When I read the history of a merciless tyrant, or the dark and the subtle
machination of a knavish designing priest, I could on the instant set off
to stab the miscreants, though I was certain to perish in the attempt.

I have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a cock, a
cow, a dog, or any animal I saw tormenting another, only because it was
conscious of possessing superior strength. This may be natural to me,
and I am inclined to believe it is, though the lively impression of the
first injustice I became the victim of was too long and too powerfully
remembered not to have added considerable force to it.

This occurrence terminated my infantine serenity; from that moment I
ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness, and on a retrospection of
the pleasure of my childhood, I yet feel they ended here. We continue at
Bossey some months after this event, but were like our first parents in
the Garden of Eden after they had lost their innocence; in appearance our
situation was the same, in effect it was totally different.

Affection, respect; intimacy, confidence, no longer attached the pupils
to their guides; we beheld them no longer as divinities, who could read
the secrets of our hearts; we were less ashamed of committing faults,
more afraid of being accused of them: we learned to dissemble, to rebel,
to lie: all the vices common to our years began to corrupt our happy
innocence, mingle with our sports, and embitter our amusements. The
country itself, losing those sweet and simple charms which captivate the
heart, appeared a gloomy desert, or covered with a veil that concealed
its beauties. We cultivated our little gardens no more: our flowers were
neglected. We no longer scratched away the mould, and broke out into
exclamations of delight, on discovering that the grain we had sown began
to shoot. We were disgusted with our situation; our preceptors were
weary of us. In a word, my uncle wrote for our return, and we left Mr.
and Miss Lambercier without feeling any regret at the separation.

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