Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete

J >> Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete




She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being should
He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what was
necessary to render us essentially good, it would be requiring more than
he had given. The most whimsical idea was, that not believing in hell,
she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory. This arose from
her not knowing what to do with the wicked, being loathed to damn them
utterly, nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become
so; and we must really allow, that both in this world and the next, the
wicked are very troublesome company.

It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption
of mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that the basis of
the Christian dispensation, as generally received, is shaken, and that
the Catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles; Madam de
Warrens, notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or at least pretended to
be one, and certainly desired to become such, but it appeared to her that
the Scriptures were too literally and harshly explained, supposing that
all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings, and the
death of Jesus Christ an example of charity, truly divine, which should
teach mankind to love God and each other; in a word, faithful to the
religion she had embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of
faith, but on a discussion of each particular article, it was plain she
thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she
professed to believe. In these cases she exhibited simplicity of art, a
frankness more eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed her
confessor; for she disguised nothing from him. "I am a good Catholic,"
she would say, "and will ever remain so; I adopt with all the powers of
my soul the decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am not mistress of my
faith, but I am of my will, which I submit to you without reserve; I will
endeavor to believe all,--what can you require more?"

Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she
would have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did they
seem to accord with her disposition. She did everything that was
required; and she would have done the same had there been no such
requisition: but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of
M. Tavel, or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that
contradicted them; thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day,
without any idea of a crime, her conscience being no more moved in that
particular than her passions. I know that a number of devotees are not
more scrupulous, but the difference is, they are seduced by constitution,
she was blinded by her sophisms. In the midst of conversations the most
affecting, I might say the most edifying, she would touch on this
subject, without any change of air or manner, and without being sensible
of any contradiction in her opinions; so much was she persuaded that our
restrictions on that head are merely political, and that any person of
sense might interpret, apply, or make exceptions to them, without any
danger of offending the Almighty.

Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this
particular, I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was situated,
it would have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances, since
I could only have sought to establish my opinion for others, myself being
an exception. Besides, I entertained but little hopes of making her
alter hers, which never had any great influence on her conduct, and at
the time I am speaking of none; but I have promised faithfully to
describe her principles, and I will perform my engagement--I now return
to myself.

Finding in her all those ideas I had occasion for to secure me from the
fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence and
security from this source; my attachment became warmer than ever, and I
would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence, which seemed
ready to abandon me. From this redoubled attachment, a persuasion that I
had but a short time to live, and profound security on my future state,
arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity, which, calming every
passion that extends our hopes and fears, made me enjoy without
inquietude or concern the few days which I imagined remained for me.
What contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to
encourage her rising taste for the country, by every amusement I could
possibly devise, wishing to attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons,
and cows: I amused myself with them and these little occupations, which
employed my time without injuring my tranquillity, were more serviceable
than a milk diet, or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered
machine, even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it.

The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the
year; we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the society
of our honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with regret, and
returned to the city as if going into exile. To me this return was
particularly gloomy, who never expected to see the return of spring, and
thought I took an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I did not quit it
without kissing the very earth and trees, casting back many a wishful
look as I went towards Chambery.

Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for the
amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with Madam de
Warrens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our physician. He
was an honest man, of good understanding, a great Cartesian, spoke
tolerably well on the system of the world, and his agreeable and
instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions.
I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so
generally adopted; but useful instructive discourse has always given me
great pleasure, nor was I ever backward to join in it. I was much
pleased with that of M. Salomon; it appeared to me, that when in his
company, I anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my
soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination I
had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on, and I began to
look after books which might better enable me to understand his
discourse. Those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable
to me, particularly Port Royal's Oratory, and I began to read or rather
to devour them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami, called
'Entretiens sur les Sciences', which was a kind of introduction to the
knowledge of those books it treated of. I read it over a hundred times,
and resolved to make this my guide; in short, I found (notwithstanding my
ill state of health) that I was irresistibly drawn towards study, and
though looking on each day as the last of my life, read with as much
avidity as if certain I was to live forever.

I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I am
rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul, but
also to my body; for this application, which soon became delightful,
diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found myself much less
affected by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me absolute
ease, but having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed to
languishment and wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in short, I
looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive
and only to be terminated by death.

This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but
delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had
been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon,
convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable task
of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor
Madam de Warrens by some of those harmless preparations, which serve to
flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor.
I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the
use of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health,
as far as my strength would permit, only being careful to run into no
excess; I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly
M. de Conzie, whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether
it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of
life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the
apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for
improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge
for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that portion I
could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop of a bookseller, whose
name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some men of letters, and as
the spring (whose return I had never expected to see again) was
approaching, furnished myself with some books for Charmettes, in case I
should have the happiness to return there.

I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture
with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible!
The return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into
paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon
and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the
nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it is really singular,
that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the
country. I have suffered greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often
said to those about me, on finding myself worse than ordinary, "Should
you see me at the point of death, carry me under the shade of an oak, and
I promise you I shall recover."

Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength
would permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our
garden without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with the
spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration; when I
stooped the beating redoubled, and the blood flew with such violence to
my head, that I was instantly obliged to stand upright. Being therefore
confined to less fatiguing employments, I busied myself about the dove
--house, and was so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several hours
there without feeling a moment's weariness. The pigeon is very timid and
difficult to tame, yet I inspired mine with so much confidence that they
followed me everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor could I
appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an
instant, and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, their company
became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the familiarity. I
have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals, particularly those that
are wild and fearful. It appeared delightful to me, to inspire them with
a confidence which I took care never to abuse, wishing them to love me
freely.

I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not forget to
read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me.
I imagined that to read a book profitably, it was necessary to be
acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned; far from
thinking that the author did not do this himself, but drew assistance
from other books, as he might see occasion. Full of this silly idea, I
was stopped every moment, obliged to run from one book to another, and
sometimes, before I could reach the tenth page of what I was studying,
found it necessary to turn over a whole library. I was so attached to
this ridiculous method, that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had
bewildered my head to such a degree, that I was hardly capable of doing,
seeing or comprehending anything. I fortunately perceived, at length,
that I was in the wrong road, which would entangle me in an inextricable
labyrinth, and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost.

When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing he
perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they
mutually attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is
impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though the
human understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be regarded as
the principal object, yet if the rest are totally neglected, the favorite
study is generally obscure; I was convinced that my resolution to improve
was good and useful in itself, but that it was necessary I should change
my method; I, therefore, had recourse to the encyclopaedia. I began by a
distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various
branches, but soon discovered that I must pursue a contrary course, that
I must take each separately, and trace it to that point where it united
with the rest: thus I returned to the general synthetical method, but
returned thither with a conviction that I was going right. Meditation
supplied the want of knowledge, and a very natural reflection gave
strength to my resolutions, which was, that whether I lived or died, I
had no time to lose; for having learned but little before the age of
five-and-twenty, and then resolving to learn everything, was engaging to
employ the future time profitably. I was ignorant at what point accident
or death might put a period to my endeavors, and resolved at all events
to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of
knowledge, as well to try my natural disposition, as to judge for myself
what most deserved cultivation.

In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I had
never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time profitably.
Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive application
fatigues me so much, that I find it impossible to employ myself half an
hour together intently on any one subject; particularly while following
another person's ideas, for it has frequently happened that I have
pursued my own for a much longer period with success. After reading a
few pages of an author with close application, my understanding is
bewildered, and should I obstinately continue, I tire myself to no
purpose, a stupefaction seizes me, and I am no longer conscious of what I
read; but in a succession of various subjects, one relieves me from the
fatigue of the other, and without finding respite necessary, I can follow
them with pleasure.

I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies, taking
care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary: it is
true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing
relaxations; but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I contrived
to find opportunities for my studies, frequently employing myself about
two things at the same time, without reflecting that both were
consequently neglected.

In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but frequently
tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a great number,
though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did not take care to
inform him of it: for example, I recollect with pleasure all the
different methods I adopted for the distribution of my time, in such a
manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure. I may say, that the
portion of my life which I passed in this retirement, though in continual
ill-health, was that in which I was least idle and least wearied. Two or
three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius;
meantime, I enjoyed, in the finest season of the year, and in a spot it
rendered delightful, the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly
sensible of, in such a society, as free as it was charming; if a union so
perfect, and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, can be called
society. It seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements I
was only in pursuit of: or rather better, since the pleasure of learning
constituted a great part of my happiness.

I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of
enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness
is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of
felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it;
because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable
incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently
guilty of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat the
same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at
length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the
following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose
every morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard
into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards Chambery.
While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion of the lips,
but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of delightful
nature, whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me! I never
love to pray in a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and all the
little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself: I love to
contemplate Him in his works, which elevate my soul, and raise my
thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore
worthy to be heard:--I asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts
were never divided, only an innocent and quiet life, exempt from vice,
sorrow and want; I prayed that we might die the death of the just, and
partake of their lot hereafter: for the rest, it was rather admiration
and contemplation than request, being satisfied that the best means to
obtain what is necessary from the Giver of every perfect good, is rather
to deserve than to solicit. Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way
by taking a roundabout path, still contemplating with earnestness and
delight the beautiful scenes with which I was surrounded, those only
objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart. As I approached
our habitation, I looked forward to see if Madam de Warrens was stirring,
and when I perceived her shutters open, I even ran with joy towards the
house: if they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their
opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection of what I had read
the preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the shutter drew back
I hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep; and this salute, pure
as it was affectionate, even from its innocence, possessed a charm which
the senses can never bestow. We usually breakfasted on milk-coffee; this
was the time of day when we had most leisure, and when we chatted with
the greatest freedom. These sittings, which were usually pretty long,
have given me a fondness for breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of
England, or Switzerland, which are considered as a meal, at which all the
family assemble, than those of France, where they breakfast alone in
their several apartments, or more frequently have none at all. After an
hour or two passed in discourse, I went to my study till dinner;
beginning with some philosophical work, such as the logic of Port-Royal,
Locke's Essays, Mallebranche, Leibtnitz, Descartes, etc. I soon found
that these authors perpetually contradict each other, and formed the
chimerical project of reconciling them, which cost me much labor and loss
of time, bewildering my head without any profit. At length (renouncing
this idea) I adopted one infinitely more profitable, to which I attribute
all the progress I have since made, notwithstanding the defects of my
capacity; for 'tis certain I had very little for study. On reading each
author, I acquired a habit of following all his ideas, without suffering
my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them, or entering
into any dispute on their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by
laying up a stock of ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my
understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and
make choice of those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method
is not without its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with
a fund of instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after
others, without reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found myself
possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own
account, and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities
of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what
I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance of reason, and
frequently judging my masters. Though it was late before I began to
exercise my judicial faculties, I have not discovered that they had lost
their vigor, and on publishing my own ideas, have never been accused of
being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'.

From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never went
further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a
hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who rather
seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I preferred
the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of my favorite
authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra followed, and
Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, I perused
Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis
Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the
application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method
of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about:
resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like
playing a tune by turning round a handle. The first time I found by
calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the
square of each of its parts, and double the product of one by the other;
though convinced that my multiplication was right, I could not be
satisfied till I had made and examined the figure: not but I admire
algebra when applied to abstract quantities, but when used to demonstrate
dimensions, I wished to see the operation, and unless explained by lines,
could not rightly comprehend it.

After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I never
made great progress. I began by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but without
success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last
forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a
man without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory
more retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which
at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to read an
easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that method, and found
it succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied myself to translation, not
by writing, but mentally, and by exercise and perseverance attained to
read Latin authors easily, but have never been able to speak or write
that language, which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found
myself (I know not by what means) enrolled among men of letters.

Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I
never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet,
anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and
verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that
without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition
of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience
to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and
whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately
consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many
errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of
versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in
studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable
labor, as I have experienced more than any one.

At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my
friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and
when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite
to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so
indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting
till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was
fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I
had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat;
we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in
conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the
pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden;
these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a
day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly
interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the
hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they
could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they
stung me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that
let me approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the
hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been
surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending any
danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when
once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes so
great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it.

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