Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete

J >> Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete




After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought
rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or study.
I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in general
any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day. I
employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or rule, and read
without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was history
and geography, and as these did not require intense application, made as
much progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an
inclination to study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of
chronology, but was disgusted at the critical part, which I found had
neither bottom nor banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement
of time by the course of the celestial bodies. I should even have
contracted a fondness for astronomy, had I been in possession of
instruments, but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements
of that art, learned from books, and a few rude observations made with a
telescope, sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of
the heavenly bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish
the stars without the help of a glass.

I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has
often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the
constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were
fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on
four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the ground,
turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by means of a
candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out)
and then placed in the centre of the above--mentioned four supporters;
this done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from time to time
referring to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the various
constellations. I think I have before observed that our garden was on a
terrace, and lay open to the road. One night, some country people
passing very late, saw me in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in
these observations: the light, which struck directly on the planisphere,
proceeding from a cause they could not divine (the candle being concealed
by the sides of the pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper,
marked over with various uncouth figures, with the motion of the
telescope, which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave the whole
an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement. My
figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a flapped hat
put on over my nightcap, and a short cloak about my shoulder (which Madam
de Warrens had obliged me to put on) presented in their idea the image of
a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no doubt but this was
the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having no curiosity to pry
further into these mysteries, they fled with all possible speed, awakened
their neighbors, and described this most dreadful vision. The story
spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that
a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to
Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what might have been the consequence
of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my
conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two Jesuits,
who frequently came to visit us, and who, without knowing the foundation
of the story, undeceived and satisfied them. These Jesuits told us the
whole affair, and I acquainted them with the cause of it, which
altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for the
future to make my observations without light, and consult my planisphere
in the house. Those who have read Venetian magic, in the 'Letters from
the Mountain', may find that I long since had the reputation of being a
conjurer.

Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments,
for they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my
strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me little
except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to do two
things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately persisted
in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for that
purpose, I always carried some book with me, which, while at work,
I studied with inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating
something, and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and
continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid. I must have learned
and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil twenty times over, though at this
time I cannot recollect a single line of them. I have lost or spoiled a
great number of books by a custom I had of carrying them with me into the
dove-house, the garden, orchard or vineyard, when, being busy about
something else, I laid my book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or
the first place that came to hand, and frequently left them there,
finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by
the ants or snails; and this ardor for learning became so far a madness
that it rendered me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some
passage or other to myself.

The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most
read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my
confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell,
which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little
disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens tranquillized my
soul, would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was
hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This
was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory
I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity
of a child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely
what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by
Jansenism. This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came
frequently to visit us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and
tedious for men of their age. These visits were very comfortable to me,
which may the Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I
cannot suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at
Chambery, became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the
library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the
idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and
though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find
myself in a disposition to hate them cordially.

I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in
the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my
studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding
every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented
me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I die at this instant,
must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the matter was
indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared quite the
contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had
recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which
I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise
the same folly. One day, meditating on this melancholy subject,
I exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees, with my
usual dexterity, that is to say, without hitting any of them. In the
height of this charming exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of
prognostic, that might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this
stone at the tree facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a
sign of salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said
this, I threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so
happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a
difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very large
and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation: I know
not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or shudder at
myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly, congratulate
yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my unhappiness, for I
swear to you that I feel it most sensibly.

These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were
only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made on
my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy
than a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found
among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I made
to myself on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death with
serenity, without having experienced any great evils, either of body or
mind. How much justice was there in the thought! A preconception of
what I had to suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I dreaded
the fate which must attend my future days. I have never been so near
wisdom as during this period, when I felt no great remorse for the past,
nor tormenting fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my soul
being the enjoyment of the present. Serious people usually possess a
lively sensuality, which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures
that are allowed them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them
as a crime: or rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, it is
because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights
which they have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, and found
it charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet
inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child,
or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an angel;
for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise.
Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor, gathering in
the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our neighbors; all these
were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warrens took as much pleasure as
myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure, because in them our
hearts expanded with greater freedom: one particularly remains in my
memory; it was on a St. Louis' day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we
set out together early and unattended, after having heard a mass at break
of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who attended
for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite our
dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on before;
the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, though
rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to hill and
wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, resting
from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; speaking of
ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and offering up
prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything conspired
to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days previous to
this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a gentle breeze
agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free from clouds,
serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner was prepared at
a peasant's house, and shared with him and his family, whose benedictions
we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest of people! After
dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking up bits of dried
sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warrens amused herself with
herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for her
in my way. She made me remark in their construction a thousand natural
beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a
taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was
arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me,
which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of my
mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every object
that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream I
had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I have given an
account of in its place. The similarity was so striking that it affected
me even to tears: in a transport of tenderness I embraced Madam de
Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I, "this day has long since been
promised me: I can see nothing beyond it: my happiness, by your means,
is at its height; may it never decrease; may it continue as long as I am
sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my life."

Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived nothing
that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the cause of
my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take another
course, which I directed with my utmost care to useful objects, that the
remedy might accompany the evil. Madam de Warrens naturally loved the
country, and this taste did not cool while with me. By little and little
she contracted a fondness for rustic employments, wished to make the most
of her land, and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised
with pleasure.

Not satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field,
then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of
agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was in the
way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to see this
passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it; for I was
certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal extravagant
disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits;
however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless,
and would at least help her to live. Of all the projects she could form,
this appeared the least ruinous: without regarding it, therefore, in the
light she did, as a profitable scheme, I considered it as a perpetual
employment, which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises, and out
of the reach of impostors. With this idea, I ardently wished to recover
my health and strength, that I might superintend her affairs, overlook
her laborers, or, rather, be the principal one myself. The exercise this
naturally obliged me to take, with the relaxation it procured me from
books and study, was serviceable to my health.

The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some
books; and among others, the 'Bontempi' and 'la Cartella per Musica', of
Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and for
the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained some
time with us, and as I had been of age some months, I determined to go to
Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother's inheritance, or at
least that part which belonged to me, till it could be ascertained what
had become of my brother. This plan was executed as it had been
resolved: I went to Geneva; my father met me there, for he had
occasionally visited Geneva a long time since, without its being
particularly noticed, though the decree that had been pronounced against
him had never been reversed; but being esteemed for his courage, and
respected for his probity, the situation of his affairs was pretended to
be forgotten; or perhaps, the magistrates, employed with the great
project that broke out some little time after, were not willing to alarm
the citizens by recalling to their memory, at an improper time, this
instance of their former partiality.

I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of having
changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva being less
harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where, whoever changes his
religion, not only loses his freedom, but his property. My rights,
however, were not disputed: but I found my patrimony, I know not how,
reduced to very little, and though it was known almost to a certainty
that my brother was dead, yet, as there was no legal proof, I could not
lay claim to his share, which I left without regret to my father, who
enjoyed it as long as he lived. No sooner were the necessary formalities
adjusted, and I had received my money, some of which I expended in books,
than I flew with the remainder to Madam de Warrens; my heart beat with
joy during the journey, and the moment in which I gave the money into her
hands, was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it
into mine. She received this with a simplicity common to great souls,
who, doing similar actions without effort, see them without admiration;
indeed it was almost all expended for my use, for it would have been
employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter.

My health was not yet re-established; I decayed visibly, was pale as
death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my arteries
was extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of a continual
oppression, and my weakness became at length so great, that I could
scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation, stoop without
vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which reduced me to the most
tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself. It is
certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal. The vapors
is a malady common to people in fortunate situations: the tears I
frequently shed, without reason; the lively alarms I felt on the falling
of a leaf, or the fluttering of a bird; inequality of humor in the calm
of a most pleasing life; lassitude which made me weary even of happiness,
and carried sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of this. We
are so little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body do not
suffer together, they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences,
the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness
of the other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, my weakened frame
would not have permitted the enjoyment of them, without my being able to
particularize the real seat of my complaint; yet in the decline of life;
after having encountered very serious and real evils, my body seemed to
regain its strength, as if on purpose to encounter additional
misfortunes; and, at the moment I write this, though infirm, near sixty,
and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow, I feel more ability to suffer
than I ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age,
and in the bosom of real happiness.

To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other
readings: I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude,
movement, and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed
the human machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I expected
to feel mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from being surprised to
find myself dying, was astonished that I yet existed! I could not read
the description of any malady without thinking it mine, and, had I not
been already indisposed, I am certain I should have become so from this
study. Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine, I fancied I
had them all, and, at length, gained one more troublesome than any I yet
suffered, which I had thought myself delivered from; this was, a violent
inclination to seek a cure; which it is very difficult to suppress, when
once a person begins reading physical books. By searching, reflecting,
and comparing, I became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was
a polypus at the heart, and Doctor Salomon appeared to coincide with the
idea. Reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution
of considering myself past cure; this, however, was not the case; on the
contrary; I exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy
for a polypus, resolving to undertake this marvellous cure.

In a journey which Anet had made to Montpelier, to see the physical
garden there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had been
informed that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to that I
fancied myself afflicted with: Madam de Warrens, recollecting this
circumstance, mentioned it to me, and nothing more was necessary to
inspire me with a desire to consult Monsieur Fizes. The hope of recovery
gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey; the money from
Geneva furnished the means; Madam de Warrens, far from dissuading,
entreated me to go: behold me, therefore, without further ceremony, set
out for Montpelier!--but it was not necessary to go so far to find the
cure I was in search of.

Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a chaise at
Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises arrived in a
rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the train of a new
married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was a Madam de Larnage,
not so young or handsome as the former, yet not less amiable. The bride
was to stop at Romans, but the other lady was to pursue her route as far
as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St. Esprit. With my natural timidity
it will not be conjectured that I was very ready at forming an
acquaintance with these fine ladies, and the company that attended them;
but travelling the same road, lodging at the same inns, and being obliged
to eat at the same table, the acquaintance seemed unavoidable, as any
backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very
unsociable being: it was formed then, and even sooner than I desired,
for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health,
particularly to one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens
extremely insinuating; they accomplish their design of becoming
acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was
precisely what happened to me. Madam du Colombier was too much
surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much
attention to me; besides, it was not worthwhile, as we were to separate
in so short a time; but Madam de Larnage (less attended to than her young
friend) had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey; behold
me, then, attacked by Madam de Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean Jacques,
or rather farewell to fever, vapors, and polypus; all completely vanished
when in her presence. The ill state of my health was the first subject
of our conversation; they saw I was indisposed, knew I was going to
Montpelier, but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the
appearance of a libertine, since it was clear by what followed they did
not suspect I was going there for a reason that carries many that road.

In the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take
chocolate with them, and when I made my appearance asked how I had passed
the night. Once, according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without
thought, I replied, "I did not know," which answer naturally made them
conclude I was a fool: but, on questioning me further; the examination
turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in their opinion,
and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her friend, "He is amiable,
but not sufficiently acquainted with the world." These words were a
great encouragement, and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable.

As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some little
account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed me greatly,
for I was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit, the
very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know not by what
whimsicallity I resolved to pass for an Englishman; however, in
consequence of that determination I gave myself out for a Jacobite, and
was readily believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding, which was the
name I assumed with my new character, and a cursed Marquis Torignan, who
was one of the company, an invalid like myself, and both old and ill
--tempered, took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me. He
spoke of King James, of the Pretender, and the old court of
St. Germain's; I sat on thorns the whole time, for I was totally
unacquainted with all these except what little I had picked up in the
account of Earl Hamilton, and from the gazettes; however, I made such
fortunate use of the little I did know as to extricate myself from this
dilemma, happy in not being questioned on the English language, which I
did not know a single word of.

The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment of
separation with regret, and therefore made snails' journeys. We arrived
one Sunday at St. Marcelein's; Madam de Larnage would go to mass; I
accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for by my modest
reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me a bigot, and
conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I learned from her own
account two days after. It required a great deal of gallantry on my part
to efface this ill impression, or rather Madam de Larnage (who was not
easily disheartened) determined to risk the first advances, and see how I
should behave. She made several, but far from being presuming on my
figure, I thought she was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous
idea there was no folly I was not guilty of.

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