Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete

J >> Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete




I acknowledge I did not neglect any opportunity of making myself known;
but I never sought one improperly, and in serving well I thought I had a
right to aspire to the natural return for essential services; the esteem
of those capable of judging of, and rewarding them. I will not say
whether or not my exactness in discharging the duties of my employment
was a just subject of complaint from the ambassador; but I cannot refrain
from declaring that it was the sole grievance he ever mentioned previous
to our separation.

His house, which he had never put on a good footing, was constantly
filled with rabble; the French were ill-treated in it, and the ascendancy
was given to the Italians; of these even, the more honest part, they who
had long been in the service of the embassy, were indecently discharged,
his first gentleman in particular, whom he had taken from the Comte de
Froulay, and who, if I remember right, was called Comte de Peati, or
something very like that name. The second gentleman, chosen by M. de
Montaigu, was an outlaw highwayman from Mantua, called Dominic Vitali, to
whom the ambassador intrusted the care of his house, and who had by means
of flattery and sordid economy, obtained his confidence, and became his
favorite to the great prejudice of the few honest people he still had
about him, and of the secretary who was at their head. The countenance
of an upright man always gives inquietude to knaves. Nothing more was
necessary to make Vitali conceive a hatred against me: but for this
sentiment there was still another cause which rendered it more cruel. Of
this I must give an account, that I may be condemned if I am found in the
wrong.

The ambassador had, according to custom, a box at each of the theaters.
Every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his intention to
go: I chose after him, and the gentlemen disposed of the other boxes.
When I went out I took the key of the box I had chosen. One day, Vitali
not being in the way, I ordered the footman who attended on me, to bring
me the key to a house which I named to him. Vitali, instead of sending
the key, said he had disposed of it. I was the more enraged at this as
the footman delivered his message in public. In the evening Vitali
wished to make me some apology, to which however I would not listen.
"To--morrow, sir," said I to him, "you will come at such an hour and
apologize to me in the house where I received the affront, and in the
presence of the persons who were witnesses to it; or after to--morrow,
whatever may be the consequences, either you or I will leave the house."
This firmness intimidated him. He came to the house at the hour
appointed, and made me a public apology, with a meanness worthy of
himself. But he afterwards took his measures at leisure, and at the same
time that he cringed to me in public, he secretly acted in so vile a
manner, that although unable to prevail on the ambassador to give me my
dismission, he laid me under the necessity of resolving to leave him.

A wretch like him, certainly, could not know me, but he knew enough of my
character to make it serviceable to his purposes. He knew I was mild to
an excess, and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs; but haughty and
impatient when insulted with premeditated offences; loving decency and
dignity in things in which these were requisite, and not more exact in
requiring the respect due to myself, than attentive in rendering that
which I owed to others. In this he undertook to disgust me, and in this
he succeeded. He turned the house upside down, and destroyed the order
and subordination I had endeavored to establish in it. A house without a
woman stands in need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that
modesty which is inseparable from dignity. He soon converted ours into a
place of filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness, the haunt of
knaves and debauchees. He procured for second gentleman to his
excellency, in the place of him whom he got discharged, another pimp like
himself, who kept a house of ill--fame, at the Cross of Malta; and the
indecency of these two rascals was equalled by nothing but their
insolence. Except the bed-chamber of the ambassador, which, however, was
not in very good order, there was not a corner in the whole house
supportable to an modest man.

As his excellency did not sup, the gentleman and myself had a private
table, at which the Abbe Binis and the pages also eat. In the most
paltry ale-house people are served with more cleanliness and decency,
have cleaner linen, and a table better supplied. We had but one little
and very filthy candle, pewter plates, and iron forks.

I could have overlooked what passed in secret, but I was deprived of my
gondola. I was the only secretary to an ambassador, who was obliged to
hire one or go on foot, and the livery of his excellency no longer
accompanied me, except when I went to the senate. Besides, everything
which passed in the house was known in the city. All those who were in
the service of the other ambassadors loudly exclaimed; Dominic, the only
cause of all, exclaimed louder than anybody, well knowing the indecency
with which we were treated was more affecting to me than to any other
person. Though I was the only one in the house who said nothing of the
matter abroad, I complained loudly of it to the ambassador, as well as of
himself, who, secretly excited by the wretch, entirely devoted to his
will, daily made me suffer some new affront. Obliged to spend a good
deal to keep up a footing with those in the same situation with myself,
and to make are appearance proper to my employment, I could not touch a
farthing of my salary, and when I asked him for money, he spoke of his
esteem for me, and his confidence, as if either of these could have
filled my purse, and provided for everything.

These two banditti at length quite turned the head of their master, who
naturally had not a good one, and ruined him by a continual traffic, and
by bargains, of which he was the dupe, whilst they persuaded him they
were greatly in his favor. They persuaded him to take upon the Brenta, a
Palazzo, at twice the rent it was worth, and divided the surplus with the
proprietor. The apartments were inlaid with mosaic, and ornamented with
columns and pilasters, in the taste of the country. M. de Montaigu, had
all these superbly masked by fir wainscoting, for no other reason than
because at Paris apartments were thus fitted up. It was for a similar
reason that he only, of all the ambassadors who were at Venice, took from
his pages their swords, and from his footmen their canes. Such was the
man, who, perhaps from the same motive took a dislike to me on account of
my serving him faithfully.

I patiently endured his disdain, his brutality, and ill-treatment, as
long as, perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor, I thought they had in
them no portion of hatred; but the moment I saw the design formed of
depriving me of the honor I merited by my faithful services, I resolved
to resign my employment. The first mark I received of his ill will was
relative to a dinner he was to give to the Duke of Modena and his family,
who were at Venice, and at which he signified to me I should not be
present. I answered, piqued, but not angry, that having the honor daily
to dine at his table, if the Duke of Modena, when he came, required I
should not appear at it, my duty as well as the dignity of his excellency
would not suffer me to consent to such a request. "How;" said he
passionately, "my secretary, who is not a gentleman, pretends to dine
with a sovereign when my gentlemen do not!" "Yes, sir," replied I, "the
post with which your excellency has honored me, as long as I discharge
the functions of it, so far ennobles me that my rank is superior to that
of your gentlemen or of the persons calling themselves such; and I am
admitted where they cannot appear. You cannot but know that on the day
on which you shall make your public entry, I am called to the ceremony by
etiquette; and by an immemorial custom, to follow you in a dress of
ceremony, and afterwards to dine with you at the palace of St. Mark; and
I know not why a man who has a right and is to eat in public with the
doge and the senate of Venice should not eat in private with the Duke of
Modena." Though this argument was unanswerable, it did not convince the
ambassador; but we had no occasion to renew the dispute, as the Duke of
Modena did not come to dine with him.

From that moment he did everything in his power to make things
disagreeable to me; and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my rights,
by taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment, to
give them to his dear Vitali; and I am convinced that had he dared to
send him to the senate, in my place, he would have done it. He commonly
employed the Abbe Binis in his closet, to write his private letters: he
made use of him to write to M. de Maurepas an account of the affair of
Captain Olivet, in which, far from taking the least notice of me, the
only person who gave himself any concern about the matter, he deprived me
of the honor of the depositions, of which he sent him a duplicate, for
the purpose of attributing them to Patizel, who had not opened his mouth.
He wished to mortify me, and please his favorite; but had no desire to
dismiss me his service. He perceived it would be more difficult to find
me a successor, than M. Follau, who had already made him known to the
world. An Italian secretary was absolutely necessary to him, on account
of the answers from the senate; one who could write all his despatches,
and conduct his affairs, without his giving himself the least trouble
about anything; a person who, to the merit of serving him well, could
join the baseness of being the toad-eater of his gentlemen, without
honor, merit, or principles. He wished to retain, and humble me, by
keeping me far from my country, and his own, without money to return to
either, and in which he would, perhaps, had succeeded, had he began with
more moderation: but Vitali, who had other views, and wished to force me
to extremities, carried his point. The moment I perceived, I lost all my
trouble, that the ambassador imputed to me my services as so many crimes,
instead of being satisfied with them; that with him I had nothing to
expect, but things disagreeable at home, and injustice abroad; and that,
in the general disesteem into which he was fallen, his ill offices might
be prejudicial to me, without the possibility of my being served by his
good ones; I took my resolution, and asked him for my dismission, leaving
him sufficient time to provide himself with another secretary. Without
answering yes or no, he continued to treat me in the same manner, as if
nothing had been said. Perceiving things to remain in the same state,
and that he took no measures to procure himself a new secretary, I wrote
to his brother, and, explaining to him my motives, begged he would obtain
my dismission from his excellency, adding that whether I received it or
not, I could not possibly remain with him. I waited a long time without
any answer, and began to be embarrassed: but at length the ambassador
received a letter from his brother, which must have remonstrated with him
in very plain terms; for although he was extremely subject to ferocious
rage, I never saw him so violent as on this occasion. After torrents of
unsufferable reproaches, not knowing what more to say, he accused me of
having sold his ciphers. I burst into a loud laughter, and asked him, in
a sneering manner, if he thought there was in Venice a man who would be
fool enough to give half a crown for them all. He threatened to call his
servants to throw me out of the window. Until then I had been very
composed; but on this threat, anger and indignation seized me in my turn.
I sprang to the door, and after having turned a button which fastened it
within: "No, count," said I, returning to him with a grave step, "Your
servants shall have nothing to do with this affair; please to let it be
settled between ourselves." My action and manner instantly made him
calm; fear and surprise were marked in his countenance. The moment I saw
his fury abated, I bid him adieu in a very few words, and without waiting
for his answer, went to the door, opened it, and passed slowly across the
antechamber, through the midst of his people, who rose according to
custom, and who, I am of opinion, would rather have lent their assistance
against him than me. Without going back to my apartment, I descended the
stairs, and immediately went out of the palace never more to enter it.

I hastened immediately to M. le Blond and related to him what had
happened. Knowing the man, he was but little surprised. He kept me to
dinner. This dinner, although without preparation, was splendid.
All the French of consequence who were at Venice, partook of it.
The ambassador had not a single person. The consul related my case to
the company. The cry was general, and by no means in favor of his
excellency. He had not settled my account, nor paid me a farthing,
and being reduced to the few louis I had in my pocket, I was extremely
embarrassed about my return to France. Every purse was opened to me.
I took twenty sequins from that of M. le Blond, and as many from that of
M. St. Cyr, with whom, next to M. le Blond, I was the most intimately
connected. I returned thanks to the rest; and, till my departure, went
to lodge at the house of the chancellor of the consulship, to prove to
the public, the nation was not an accomplice in the injustice of the
ambassador.

His excellency, furious at seeing me taken notice of in my misfortune, at
the same time that, notwithstanding his being an ambassador, nobody went
near his house, quite lost his senses and behaved like a madman. He
forgot himself so far as to present a memoir to the senate to get me
arrested. On being informed of this by the Abbe de Binis, I resolved to
remain a fortnight longer, instead of setting off the next day as I had
intended. My conduct had been known and approved of by everybody; I was
universally esteemed. The senate did not deign to return an answer to
the extravagant memoir of the ambassador, but sent me word I might remain
in Venice as long as I thought proper, without making myself uneasy about
the attempts of a madman. I continued to see my friends: I went to take
leave of the ambassador from Spain, who received me well, and of the
Comte de Finochietti, minister from Naples, whom I did not find at home.
I wrote him a letter and received from his excellency the most polite and
obliging answer. At length I took my departure, leaving behind me,
notwithstanding my embarrassment, no other debts than the two sums I had
borrowed, and of which I have just spoken; and an account of fifty crowns
with a shopkeeper, of the name of Morandi, which Carrio promised to pay,
and which I have never reimbursed him, although we have frequently met
since that time; but with respect to the two sums of money, I returned
them very exactly the moment I had it in my power.

I cannot take leave of Venice without saying something of the celebrated
amusements of that city, or at least of the little part of them of which
I partook during my residence there. It has been seen how little in my
youth I ran after the pleasures of that age, or those that are so called.
My inclinations did not change at Venice, but my occupations, which
moreover would have prevented this, rendered more agreeable to me the
simple recreations I permitted myself. The first and most pleasing of
all was the society of men of merit. M. le Blond, de St. Cyr, Carrio
Altuna, and a Forlinian gentleman, whose name I am very sorry to have
forgotten, and whom I never call to my recollection without emotion: he
was the man of all I ever knew whose heart most resembled my own. We
were connected with two or three Englishmen of great wit and information,
and, like ourselves, passionately fond of music. All these gentlemen had
their wives, female friends, or mistresses: the latter were most of them
women of talents, at whose apartments there were balls and concerts.
There was but little play; a lively turn, talents, and the theatres
rendered this amusement incipid. Play is the resource of none but men
whose time hangs heavy on their hands. I had brought with me from Paris
the prejudice of that city against Italian music; but I had also received
from nature a sensibility and niceness of distinction which prejudice
cannot withstand. I soon contracted that passion for Italian music with
which it inspires all those who are capable of feeling its excellence.
In listening to barcaroles, I found I had not yet known what singing was,
and I soon became so fond of the opera that, tired of babbling, eating,
and playing in the boxes when I wished to listen, I frequently withdrew
from the company to another part of the theater. There, quite alone,
shut up in my box, I abandoned myself, notwithstanding the length of the
representation, to the pleasure of enjoying it at ease unto the
conclusion. One evening at the theatre of Saint Chrysostom, I fell into
a more profound sleep than I should have done in my bed. The loud and
brilliant airs did not disturb my repose. But who can explain the
delicious sensations given me by the soft harmony of the angelic music,
by which I was charmed from sleep; what an awaking! what ravishment!
what ecstasy, when at the same instant I opened my ears and eyes! My
first idea was to believe I was in paradise. The ravishing air, which I
still recollect and shall never forget, began with these words:

Conservami la bella,
Che si m'accende il cor.

I was desirous of having it; I had and kept it for a time; but it was not
the same thing upon paper as in my head. The notes were the same but the
thing was different. This divine composition can never be executed but
in my mind, in the same manner as it was the evening on which it woke me
from sleep.

A kind of music far superior, in my opinion, to that of operas, and which
in all Italy has not its equal, nor perhaps in the whole world, is that
of the 'scuole'. The 'scuole' are houses of charity, established for the
education of young girls without fortune, to whom the republic afterwards
gives a portion either in marriage or for the cloister. Amongst talents
cultivated in these young girls, music is in the first rank. Every
Sunday at the church of each of the four 'scuole', during vespers,
motettos or anthems with full choruses, accompanied by a great orchestra,
and composed and directed by the best masters in Italy, are sung in the
galleries by girls only; not one of whom is more than twenty years of
age. I have not an idea of anything so voluptuous and affecting as this
music; the richness of the art, the exquisite taste of the vocal part,
the excellence of the voices, the justness of the execution, everything
in these delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression which
certainly is not the mode, but from which I am of opinion no heart is
secure. Carrio and I never failed being present at these vespers of the
'Mendicanti', and we were not alone. The church was always full of the
lovers of the art, and even the actors of the opera came there to form
their tastes after these excellent models. What vexed me was the iron
grate, which suffered nothing to escape but sounds, and concealed from me
the angels of which they were worthy. I talked of nothing else. One day
I spoke of it at Le Blond's; "If you are so desirous," said he, "to see
those little girls, it will be an easy matter to satisfy your wishes.
I am one of the administrators of the house, I will give you a collation
with them." I did not let him rest until he had fulfilled his promise.
In entering the saloon, which contained these beauties I so much sighed
to see, I felt a trembling of love which I had never before experienced.
M. le Blond presented to me one after the other, these celebrated female
singers, of whom the names and voices were all with which I was
acquainted. Come, Sophia,--she was horrid. Come, Cattina,--she had
but one eye. Come, Bettina,--the small-pox had entirely disfigured her.
Scarcely one of them was without some striking defect.

Le Blond laughed at my surprise; however, two or three of them appeared
tolerable; these never sung but in the choruses; I was almost in despair.
During the collation we endeavored to excite them, and they soon became
enlivened; ugliness does not exclude the graces, and I found they
possessed them. I said to myself, they cannot sing in this manner
without intelligence and sensibility, they must have both; in fine,
my manner of seeing them changed to such a degree that I left the house
almost in love with each of these ugly faces. I had scarcely courage
enough to return to vespers. But after having seen the girls,
the danger was lessened. I still found their singing delightful;
and their voices so much embellished their persons that, in spite of my
eyes, I obstinately continued to think them beautiful.

Music in Italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense, that it is not
worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny themselves the
pleasure it affords. I hired a harpsichord, and, for half a crown, I had
at my apartment four or five symphonists, with whom I practised once a
week in executing such airs, etc., as had given me most pleasure at the
opera. I also had some symphonies performed from my 'Muses Galantes'.
Whether these pleased the performers, or the ballet-master of St. John
Chrysostom wished to flatter me, he desired to have two of them; and I
had afterwards the pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable
orchestra. They were danced to by a little Bettina, pretty and amiable,
and kept by a Spaniard, M. Fagoaga, a friend of ours with whom we often
went to spend the evening. But apropos of girls of easy virtue: it is
not in Venice that a man abstains from them. Have you nothing to
confess, somebody will ask me, upon this subject? Yes: I have something
to say upon it, and I will proceed to the confession with the same
ingenuousness with which I have made my former ones.

I always had a disinclination to girls of pleasure, but at Venice those
were all I had within my reach; most of the houses being shut against me
on account of my place. The daughters of M. le Blond were very amiable,
but difficult of access; and I had too much respect for the father and
mother ever once to have the least desire for them.

I should have had a much stronger inclination to a young lady named
Mademoiselle de Cataneo, daughter to the agent from the King of Prussia,
but Carrio was in love with her there was even between them some question
of marriage. He was in easy circumstances, and I had no fortune: his
salary was a hundred louis (guineas) a year, and mine amounted to no more
than a thousand livres (about forty pounds sterling) and, besides my
being unwilling to oppose a friend, I knew that in all places, and
especially at Venice, with a purse so ill furnished as mine was,
gallantry was out of the question. I had not lost the pernicious custom
of deceiving my wants. Too busily employed forcibly to feel those
proceeding from the climate, I lived upwards of a year in that city as
chastely as I had done in Paris, and at the end of eighteen months I
quitted it without having approached the sex, except twice by means of
the singular opportunities of which I am going to speak.

The first was procured me by that honest gentleman, Vitali, some time
after the formal apology I obliged him to make me. The conversation at
the table turned on the amusements of Venice. These gentlemen reproached
me with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all;
at the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the
women of easy virtue of Venice; and adding that they were superior to all
others of the same description in any other part of the world.
"Dominic," said I, "(I) must make an acquaintance with the most amiable of
them all," he offered to take me to her apartments, and assured me I
should be pleased with her. I laughed at this obliging offer: and Count
Piati, a man in years and venerable, observed to me, with more candor
than I should have expected from an Italian, that he thought me too
prudent to suffer myself to be taken to such a place by my enemy. In
fact I had no inclination to do it: but notwithstanding this, by an
incoherence I cannot myself comprehend, I at length was prevailed upon to
go, contrary to my inclination, the sentiment of my heart, my reason, and
even my will; solely from weakness, and being ashamed to show an
appearance to the least mistrust; and besides, as the expression of the
country is, 'per non parer troppo cogliono'--[Not to appear too great a
blockhead.]--The 'Padoana' whom we went to visit was pretty, she was
even handsome, but her beauty was not of that kind that pleased me.
Dominic left me with her, I sent for Sorbetti, and asked her to sing.
In about half an hour I wished to take my leave, after having put a ducat
on the table, but this by a singular scruple she refused until she had
deserved it, and I from as singular a folly consented to remove her
doubts. I returned to the palace so fully persuaded that I should feel
the consequences of this step, that the first thing I did was to send for
the king's surgeon to ask him for ptisans. Nothing can equal the
uneasiness of mind I suffered for three weeks, without its being
justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign. I could not
believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms of the
'padoana'. The surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in removing
my apprehensions; nor could he do this by any other means than by
persuading me I was formed in such a manner as not to be easily infected:
and although in the experiment I exposed myself less than any other man
would have done, my health in that respect never having suffered the
least inconvenience, in my opinion a proof the surgeon was right.
However, this has never made me imprudent, and if in fact I have received
such an advantage from nature I can safely assert I have never abused it.

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