Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete

J >> Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete




Near thirty years passed away from my leaving Bossey, without once
recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction; but after
having passed the prime of life, as I decline into old age (while more
recent occurrences are wearing out apace) I feel these remembrances
revive and imprint themselves on my heart, with a force and charm that
every day acquires fresh strength; as if, feeling life fleet from me,
I endeavored to catch it again by its commencement. The most trifling
incident of those happy days delight me, for no other reason than being
of those days. I recall every circumstance of time, place, and persons;
I see the maid or footman busy in the chamber, a swallow entering the
window, a fly settling on my hand while repeating my lessons. I see the
whole economy of the apartment; on the right hand Mr. Lambercier's
closet, with a print representing all the popes, a barometer, a large
almanac, the windows of the house (which stood in a hollow at the bottom
of the garden) shaded by raspberry shrubs, whose shoots sometimes found
entrance; I am sensible the reader has no occasion to know all this, but
I feel a kind of necessity for relating it. Why am I not permitted to
recount all the little anecdotes of that thrice happy age, at the
recollection of whose joys I ever tremble with delight? Five or six
particularly--let us compromise the matter--I will give up five, but
then I must have one, and only one, provided I may draw it out to its
utmost length, in order to prolong my satisfaction.

If I only sought yours, I should choose that of Miss Lambercier's
backside, which by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow, was
exposed to the view of the King of Sardinia, who happened to be passing
by; but that of the walnut tree on the terrace is more amusing to me,
since here I was an actor, whereas, in the abovementioned scene I was
only a spectator; and I must confess I see nothing that should occasion
risibility in an accident, which, however laughable in itself, alarmed me
for a person I loved as a mother, or perhaps something more.

Ye curious readers, whose expectations are already on the stretch for the
noble history of the terrace, listen to the tragedy, and abstain from
trembling, if you can, at the horrible catastrophe!

At the outside of the courtyard door, on the left hand, was a terrace;
here they often sat after dinner; but it was subject to one
inconvenience, being too much exposed to the rays of the sun; to obviate
this defect, Mr. Lambercier had a walnut tree set there, the planting of
which was attended with great solemnity. The two boarders were
godfathers, and while the earth was replacing round the root, each held
the tree with one hand, singing songs of triumph. In order to water it
with more effect, they formed a kind of luson around its foot: myself and
cousin, who were every day ardent spectators of this watering, confirmed
each other in the very natural idea that it was nobler to plant trees on
the terrace than colors on a breach, and this glory we were resolved to
procure without dividing it with any one.

In pursuance of this resolution, we cut a slip off a willow, and planted
it on the terrace, at about eight or ten feet distance from the august
walnut tree. We did not forget to make a hollow round it, but the
difficulty was how to procure a supply of water, which was brought from a
considerable distance, and we not permitted to fetch it: but water was
absolutely necessary for our willow, and we made use of every stratagem
to obtain it.

For a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud, and
throw out small leaves, which we hourly measured convinced (tho' now
scarce a foot from the ground) it would soon afford us a refreshing
shade. This unfortunate willow, by engrossing our whole time, rendered
us incapable of application to any other study, and the cause of our
inattention not being known, we were kept closer than before. The fatal
moment approached when water must fail, and we were already afflicted
with the idea that our tree must perish with drought. At length
necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention, by which we
might save our tree from death, and ourselves from despair; it was to
make a furrow underground, which would privately conduct a part of the
water from the walnut tree to our willow. This undertaking was executed
with ardor, but did not immediately succeed--our descent was not
skilfully planned--the water did not run, the earth falling in and
stopping up the furrow; yet, though all went contrary, nothing
discouraged us, 'omnia vincit labor improbus'. We made the bason deeper,
to give the water a more sensible descent; we cut the bottom of a box
into narrow planks; increased the channel from the walnut tree to our
willow and laying a row flat at the bottom, set two others inclining
towards each other, so as to form a triangular channel; we formed a kind
of grating with small sticks at the end next the walnut tree, to prevent
the earth and stones from stopping it up, and having carefully covered
our work with well--trodden earth, in a transport of hope and fear
attended the hour of watering. After an interval, which seemed an age of
expectation, this hour arrived. Mr. Lambercier, as usual, assisted at
the operation; we contrived to get between him and our tree, towards
which he fortunately turned his back. They no sooner began to pour the
first pail of water, than we perceived it running to the willow; this
sight was too much for our prudence, and we involuntarily expressed our
transport by a shout of joy. The sudden exclamation made Mr. Lambercier
turn about, though at that instant he was delighted to observe how
greedily the earth, which surrounded the root of his walnut tree, imbibed
the water. Surprised at seeing two trenches partake of it, he shouted in
his turn, examines, perceives the roguery, and, sending instantly for a
pick axe, at one fatal blow makes two or three of our planks fly, crying
out meantime with all his strength, an aqueduct! an aqueduct! His
strokes redoubled, every one of which made an impression on our hearts;
in a moment the planks, the channel, the bason, even our favorite willow,
all were ploughed up, nor was one word pronounced during this terrible
transaction, except the above mentioned exclamation. An aqueduct!
repeated he, while destroying all our hopes, an aqueduct! an aqueduct!

It maybe supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end for the
young architects; this, however, was not the case; the affair ended here.
Mr. Lambercier never reproached us on this account, nor was his
countenance clouded with a frown; we even heard him mention the
circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of laughter. The laugh of
Mr. Lambercier might be heard to a considerable distance. But what is
still more surprising after the first transport of sorrow had subsided,
we did not find ourselves violently afflicted; we planted a tree in
another spot, and frequently recollected the catastrophe of the former,
repeating with a significant emphasis, an aqueduct! an aqueduct!
Till then, at intervals, I had fits of ambition, and could fancy myself
Brutus or Aristides, but this was the first visible effect of my vanity.
To have constructed an aqueduct with our own hands, to have set a slip of
willow in competition with a flourishing tree, appeared to me a supreme
degree of glory! I had a juster conception of it at ten than Caesar
entertained at thirty.

The idea of this walnut tree, with the little anecdotes it gave rise to,
have so well continued, or returned to my memory, that the design which
conveyed the most pleasing sensations, during my journey to Geneva, in
the year 1754, was visiting Bossey, and reviewing the monuments of my
infantine amusement, above all, the beloved walnut tree, whose age at
that time must have been verging on a third of a century, but I was so
beset with company that I could not find a moment to accomplish my
design. There is little appearance now of the occasion being renewed;
but should I ever return to that charming spot, and find my favorite
walnut tree still existing, I am convinced I should water it with my
tears.

On my return to Geneva, I passed two or three years at my uncle's,
expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future
establishment. His own son being devoted to genius, was taught drawing,
and instructed by his father in the elements of Euclid; I partook of
these instructions, but was principally fond of drawing. Meantime, they
were irresolute, whether to make me a watchmaker, a lawyer, or a
minister. I should have preferred being a minister, as I thought it must
be a charming thing to preach, but the trifling income which had been my
mother's, and was to be divided between my brother and myself, was too
inconsiderable to defray the expense attending the prosecution of my
studies. As my age did not render the choice very pressing, I remained
with my uncle, passing my time with very little improvement, and paying
pretty dear, though not unreasonably, for my board.

My uncle, like my father, was a man of pleasure, but had not learned,
like him, to abridge his amusements for the sake of instructing his
family, consequently our education was neglected. My aunt was a devotee,
who loved singing psalms better than thinking of our improvement, so that
we were left entirely to ourselves, which liberty we never abused.

Ever inseparable, we were all the world to each other; and, feeling no
inclination to frequent the company of a number of disorderly lads of our
own age, we learned none of those habits of libertinism to which our idle
life exposed us. Perhaps I am wrong in charging myself and cousin with
idleness at this time, for, in our lives, we were never less so; and what
was extremely fortunate, so incessantly occupied with our amusements,
that we found no temptation to spend any part of our time in the streets.
We made cages, pipes, kites, drums, houses, ships, and bows; spoiled the
tools of my good old grandfather by endeavoring to make watches in
imitation of him; but our favorite amusement was wasting paper, in
drawing, washing, coloring, etc. There came an Italian mountebank to
Geneva, called Gamber-Corta, who had an exhibition of puppets, that he
made play a kind of comedy. We went once to see them, but could not
spare time to go again, being busily employed in making puppets of our
own and inventing comedies, which we immediately set about making them
perform, mimicking to the best of our abilities the uncouth voice of
Punch; and, to complete the business, my good aunt and uncle Bernard had
the patience to see and listen to our imitations; but my uncle, having
one day read an elaborate discourse to his family, we instantly gave up
our comedies, and began composing sermons.

These details, I confess, are not very amusing, but they serve to
demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed,
since being, at such an early age, the absolute masters of our time,
we found no inclination to abuse it; and so little in want of other
companions, that we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking them.
When taking our walks together, we observed their diversions without
feeling any inclination to partake of them. Friendship so entirely
occupied our hearts, that, pleased with each other's company the simplest
pastimes were sufficient to delight us.

We were soon remarked for being thus inseparable: and what rendered us
more conspicuous, my cousin was very tall, myself extremely short, so
that we exhibited a very whimsical contrast. This meagre figure, small,
sallow countenance, heavy air, and supine gait, excited the ridicule of
the children, who, in the gibberish of the country, nicknamed him 'Barna
Bredanna'; and we no sooner got out of doors than our ears were assailed
with a repetition of "Barna Bredanna." He bore this indignity with
tolerable patience, but I was instantly for fighting. This was what the
young rogues aimed at. I engaged accordingly, and was beat. My poor
cousin did all in his power to assist me, but he was weak, and a single
stroke brought him to the ground. I then became furious, and received
several smart blows, some of which were aimed at 'Barna Bredanna'. This
quarrel so far increased the evil, that, to avoid their insults, we could
only show ourselves in the streets while they were employed at school.

I had already become a redresser of grievances; there only wanted a lady
in the way to be a knight-errant in form. This defect was soon supplied;
I presently had two. I frequently went to see my father at Nion, a small
city in the Vaudois country, where he was now settled. Being universally
respected, the affection entertained for him extended to me: and, during
my visits, the question seemed to be, who should show me most kindness.
A Madame de Vulson, in particular, loaded me with caresses; and, to
complete all, her daughter made me her gallant. I need not explain what
kind of gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty; the
artful hussies know how to set these puppets up in front, to conceal more
serious engagements. On my part I saw no inequality between myself and
Miss Vulson, was flattered by the circumstance, and went into it with my
whole heart, or rather my whole head, for this passion certainly reached
no further, though it transported me almost to madness, and frequently
produced scenes sufficient to make even a cynic expire with laughter.

I have experienced two kinds of love, equally real, which have scarce any
affinity, yet each differing materially from tender friendship. My whole
life has been divided between these affections, and I have frequently
felt the power of both at the same instant. For example, at the very
time I so publically and tyrannically claimed Miss Vulson, that I could
not suffer any other of my sex to approach her, I had short, but
passionate, assignations with a Miss Goton, who thought proper to act the
schoolmistress with me. Our meetings, though absolutely childish,
afforded me the height of happiness. I felt the whole charm of mystery,
and repaid Miss Vulson in kind, when she least expected it, the use she
made of me in concealing her amours. To my great mortification, this
secret was soon discovered, and I presently lost my young schoolmistress.

Miss Goton was, in fact, a singular personage. She was not handsome,
yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily
be forgotten, and this for an old fool, I am too often convinced of.
Her eyes, in particular, neither corresponded with her age, her height,
nor her manner; she had a lofty imposing air, which agreed extremely well
with the character she assumed, but the most extraordinary part of her
composition was a mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be
conceived; and while she took the greatest liberties with me, would never
permit any to be taken with her in return, treating me precisely like a
child. This makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be one,
or was yet sufficiently so to behold us play the danger to which this
folly exposed her.

I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses, that when in
the presence of either, I never thought of her who was absent; in other
respects, the effects they produced on me bore no affinity. I could have
passed my whole life with Miss Vulson, without forming a wish to quit
her; but then, my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity;
and, in numerous companies, I was particularly charmed with her. The
sprightly sallies of her wit, the arch glance of her eye, even jealousy
itself, strengthened my attachment, and I triumphed in the preference she
seemed to bestow on me, while addressed by more powerful rivals;
applause, encouragement, and smiles, gave animation to my happiness.
Surrounded by a throng of observers, I felt the whole force of love--I
was passionate, transported; in a tete-a-tete, I should have been
constrained, thoughtful, perhaps unhappy. If Miss Vulson was ill, I
suffered with her; would willingly have given up my own health to
establish hers (and, observe I knew the want of it from experience); if
absent, she employed my thoughts, I felt the want of her; when present,
her caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart, though my senses
were unaffected. The familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have
supported the idea of her granting to another; I loved her with a
brother's affection only, but experienced all the jealousy of a lover.

With Miss Goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury; I
should have been a Turk, a tiger, had I once imagined she bestowed her
favors on any but myself. The pleasure I felt on approaching Miss Vulson
was sufficiently ardent, though unattended with uneasy sensations; but at
sight of Miss Goton, I felt myself bewildered--every sense was absorbed
in ecstasy. I believe it would have been impossible to have remained
long with her; I must have been suffocated with the violence of my
palpitations. I equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure; with
one I was more complaisant; with the other, more submissive. I would not
have offended Miss Vulson for the world; but if Miss Goton had commanded
me to throw myself into the flames, I think I should have instantly
obeyed her. Happily, both for her and myself, our amours; or rather
rendezvous, were not of long duration: and though my connection with Miss
Vulson was less dangerous, after a continuance of some greater length,
that likewise had its catastrophe; indeed the termination of a love
affair is good for nothing, unless it partakes of the romantic, and can
furnish out at least an exclamation.

Though my correspondence with Miss Vulson was less animated, it was
perhaps more endearing; we never separated without tears, and it can
hardly be conceived what a void I felt in my heart. I could neither
think nor speak of anything but her. These romantic sorrows were not
affected, though I am inclined to believe they did not absolutely centre
in her, for I am persuaded (though I did not perceive it at that time)
being deprived of amusement bore a considerable share in them.

To soften the rigor of absence, we agreed to correspond with each other,
and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to
have split a rock. In a word, I had the honor of her not being able to
endure the pain of separation. She came to see me at Geneva.

My head was now completely turned; and during the two days she remained
here, I was intoxicated with delight. At her departure, I would have
thrown myself into the water after her, and absolutely rent the air with
my cries. The week following she sent me sweetmeats, gloves, etc. This
certainly would have appeared extremely gallant, had I not been informed
of her marriage at the same instant, and that the journey I had thought
proper to give myself the honor of, was only to buy her wedding suit.

My indignation may easily be conceived; I shall not attempt to describe
it. In this heroic fury, I swore never more to see the perfidious girl,
supposing it the greatest punishment that could be inflicted on her.
This, however, did not occasion her death, for twenty years after, while
on a visit to my father, being on the lake, I asked who those ladies were
in a boat not far from ours. "What!" said my father smiling, "does not
your heart inform you? It is your former flame, it is Madame Christin,
or, if you please, Miss Vulson." I started at the almost forgotten name,
and instantly ordered the waterman to turn off, not judging it worth
while to be perjured, however favorable the opportunity for revenge, in
renewing a dispute of twenty years past, with a woman of forty.

Thus, before my future destination was determined, did I fool away the
most precious moments of my youth. After deliberating a long time on the
bent of my natural inclination, they resolved to dispose of me in a
manner the most repugnant to them. I was sent to Mr. Masseron, the City
Register, to learn (according to the expression of my uncle Bernard) the
thriving occupation of a scraper. This nickname was inconceivably
displeasing to me, and I promised myself but little satisfaction in the
prospect of heaping up money by a mean employment. The assiduity and
subjection required, completed my disgust, and I never set foot in the
office without feeling a kind of horror, which every day gained fresh
strength.

Mr. Masseron, who was not better pleased with my abilities than I was
with the employment, treated me with disdain, incessantly upbraiding me
with being a fool and blockhead, not forgetting to repeat, that my uncle
had assured him I was a knowing one, though he could not find that I knew
anything. That he had promised to furnish him with a sprightly boy, but
had, in truth, sent him an ass. To conclude, I was turned out of the
registry, with the additional ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all
Mr. Masseron's clerks, and fit only to handle a file.

My vocation thus determined, I was bound apprentice; not, however, to a
watchmaker, but to an engraver, and I had been so completely humiliated
by the contempt of the register, that I submitted without a murmur. My
master, whose name was M. Ducommon, was a young man of a very violent and
boorish character, who contrived in a short time to tarnish all the
amiable qualities of my childhood, to stupefy a disposition naturally
sprightly, and reduce my feelings, as well as my condition, to an
absolute state of servitude. I forgot my Latin, history, and
antiquities; I could hardly recollect whether such people as Romans ever
existed. When I visited my father, he no longer beheld his idol, nor
could the ladies recognize the gallant Jean Jacques; nay, I was so well
convinced that Mr. and Miss Lambercier would scarce receive me as their
pupil, that I endeavored to avoid their company, and from that time have
never seen them. The vilest inclinations, the basest actions, succeeded
my amiable amusements and even obliterated the very remembrance of them.
I must have had, in spite of my good education, a great propensity to
degenerate, else the declension could not have followed with such ease
and rapidity, for never did so promising a Caesar so quickly become a
Laradon.

The art itself did not displease me. I had a lively taste for drawing.
There was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the graver; and as it
required no very extraordinary abilities to attain perfection as a
watchcase engraver, I hoped to arrive at it. Perhaps I should have
accomplished my design, if unreasonable restraint, added to the brutality
of my master, had not rendered my business disgusting. I wasted his
time, and employed myself in engraving medals, which served me and my
companions as a kind of insignia for a new invented order of chivalry,
and though this differed very little from my usual employ, I considered
it as a relaxation. Unfortunately, my master caught me at this
contraband labor, and a severe beating was the consequence. He
reproached me at the same time with attempting to make counterfeit money
because our medals bore the arms of the Republic, though, I can truly
aver, I had no conception of false money, and very little of the true,
knowing better how to make a Roman As than one of our threepenny pieces.

My master's tyranny rendered insupportable that labor I should otherwise
have loved, and drove me to vices I naturally despised, such as
falsehood, idleness, and theft. Nothing ever gave me a clearer
demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject
slavery, than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that
period. Hitherto I had enjoyed a reasonable liberty; this I had suddenly
lost. I was enterprising at my father's, free at Mr. Lambercier's,
discreet at my uncle's; but, with my master, I became fearful, and from
that moment my mind was vitiated. Accustomed to live on terms of perfect
equality, to be witness of no pleasures I could not command, to see no
dish I was not to partake of, or be sensible of a desire I might not
express; to be able to bring every wish of my heart to my lips--what a
transition!--at my master's I was scarce allowed to speak, was forced to
quit the table without tasting what I most longed for, and the room when
I had nothing particular to do there; was incessantly confined to my
work, while the liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed, served only
to increase the weight of my subjection. When disputes happened to
arise, though conscious that I understood the subject better than any of
them, I dared not offer my opinion; in a word, everything I saw became an
object of desire, for no other reason than because I was not permitted to
enjoy anything. Farewell gayety, ease, those happy turns of expressions,
which formerly even made my faults escape correction. I recollect, with
pleasure, a circumstance that happened at my father's, which even now
makes me smile. Being for some fault ordered to bed without my supper,
as I was passing through the kitchen, with my poor morsel of bread in my
hand, I saw the meat turning on the spit; my father and the rest were
round the fire; I must bow to every one as I passed. When I had gone
through this ceremony, leering with a wistful eye at the roast meat,
which looked so inviting, and smelt so savory, I could not abstain from
making that a bow likewise, adding in a pitiful tone, good bye, roast
meal! This unpremeditated pleasantry put them in such good humor, that I
was permitted to stay, and partake of it. Perhaps the same thing might
have produced a similar effect at my master's, but such a thought could
never have occurred to me, or, if it had, I should not have had courage
to express it.

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