Book: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete

J >> Jean Jacques Rousseau >> The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete




The next day, lest my indiscreet objections should injure the minds of
those who were better disposed, I was led into a separate chamber and put
under the care of a younger priest, a fine speaker; that is, one who was
fond of long perplexed sentences, and proud of his own abilities, if ever
doctor was. I did not, however, suffer myself to be intimidated by his
overbearing looks: and being sensible that I could maintain my ground, I
combated his assertions, exposed his mistakes, and laid about me in the
best manner I was able. He thought to silence me at once with St.
Augustine, St. Gregory, and the rest of the fathers, but found, to his
ineffable surprise, that I could handle these almost as dexterously as
himself; not that I had ever read them, or he either, perhaps, but I
retained a number of passages taken from my Le Sueur, and when he bore
hard on me with one citation, without standing to dispute, I parried it
with another, which method embarrassed him extremely. At length,
however, he got the better of me for two very potent reasons; in the
first place, he was of the strongest side; young as I was, I thought it
might be dangerous to drive him to extremities, for I plainly saw the old
priest was neither satisfied with me nor my erudition. In the next
place, he had studied, I had not; this gave a degree of method to his
arguments which I could not follow; and whenever he found himself pressed
by an unforeseen objection he put it off to the next conference,
pretending I rambled from the question in dispute. Sometimes he even
rejected all my quotations, maintaining they were false, and, offering to
fetch the book, defied me to find them. He knew he ran very little risk,
and that, with all my borrowed learning, I was not sufficiently
accustomed to books, and too poor a Latinist to find a passage in a large
volume, had I been ever so well assured it was there. I even suspected
him of having been guilty of a perfidy with which he accused our
ministers, and that he fabricated passages sometimes in order to evade an
objection that incommoded him.

Meanwhile the hospital became every day more disagreeable to me, and
seeing but one way to get out of it, I endeavored to hasten my abjuration
with as much eagerness as I had hitherto sought to retard it.

The two Africans had been baptised with great ceremony, they were habited
in white from head to foot to signify the purity of their regenerated
souls. My turn came a month after; for all this time was thought
necessary by my directors, that they might have the honor of a difficult
conversion, and every dogma of their faith was recapitulated, in order to
triumph the more completely over my new docility.

At length, sufficiently instructed and disposed to the will of my
masters, I was led in procession to the metropolitan church of St. John,
to make a solemn abjuration, and undergo a ceremony made use of on these
occasions, which, though not baptism, is very similar, and serves to
persuade the people that Protestants are not Christians. I was clothed
in a kind of gray robe, decorated with white Brandenburgs. Two men, one
behind, the other before me, carried copper basins which they kept
striking with a key, and in which those who were charitably disposed put
their alms, according as they found themselves influenced by religion or
good will for the new convert; in a word, nothing of Catholic pageantry
was omitted that could render the solemnity edifying to the populace, or
humiliating to me. The white dress might have been serviceable, but as I
had not the honor to be either Moor or Jew, they did not think fit to
compliment me with it.

The affair did not end here, I must now go to the Inquisition to be
absolved from the dreadful sin of heresy, and return to the bosom of the
church with the same ceremony to which Henry the Fourth was subjected by
his ambassador. The air and manner of the right reverend Father
Inquisitor was by no means calculated to dissipate the secret horror that
seized my spirits on entering this holy mansion. After several questions
relative to my faith, situation, and family, he asked me bluntly if my
mother was damned? Terror repressed the first gust of indignation; this
gave me time to recollect myself, and I answered, I hope not, for God
might have enlightened her last moments. The monk made no reply, but his
silence was attended with a look by no means expressive of approbation.

All these ceremonies ended, the very moment I flattered myself I should
be plentifully provided for, they exhorted me to continue a good
Christian, and live in obedience to the grace I had received; then
wishing me good fortune, with rather more than twenty francs of small
money in my pocket, the produce of the above--mentioned collection,
turned me out, shut the door on me, and I saw no more of them!

Thus, in a moment, all my flattering expectations were at an end; and
nothing remained from my interested conversion but the remembrance of
having been made both a dupe and an apostate. It is easy to imagine what
a sudden revolution was produced in my ideas, when every brilliant
expectation of making a fortune terminated by seeing myself plunged
in the completest misery. In the morning I was deliberating what palace
I should inhabit, before night I was reduced to seek my lodging in the
street. It may be supposed that I gave myself up to the most violent
transports of despair, rendered more bitter by a consciousness that my
own folly had reduced me to these extremities; but the truth is, I
experienced none of these disagreeable sensations. I had passed two
months in absolute confinement; this was new to me; I was now
emancipated, and the sentiment I felt most forcibly, was joy at my
recovered liberty. After a slavery which had appeared tedious, I was
again master of my time and actions, in a great city, abundant in
resources, crowded with people of fortune, to whom my merit and talents
could not fail to recommend me. I had sufficient time before me to
expect this good fortune, for my twenty livres seemed an inexhaustible
treasure, which I might dispose of without rendering an account of to
anyone. It was the first time I had found myself so rich, and far from
giving way to melancholy reflections, I only adopted other hopes, in
which self-love was by no means a loser. Never did I feel so great a
degree of confidence and security; I looked on my fortune as already made
and was pleased to think I should have no one but myself to thank for the
acquisition of it.

The first thing I did was to satisfy my curiosity by rambling all over
the city, and I seemed to consider it as a confirmation of my liberty; I
went to see the soldiers mount guard, and was delighted with their
military accouterment; I followed processions, and was pleased with the
solemn music of the priests; I next went to see the king's palace, which
I approached with awe, but seeing others enter, I followed their example,
and no one prevented me; perhaps I owed this favor to the small parcel I
carried under my arm; be that as it may, I conceived a high opinion of my
consequence from this circumstance, and already thought myself an
inhabitant there. The weather was hot; I had walked about till I was
both fatigued and hungry; wishing for some refreshment, I went into a
milk-house; they brought me some cream-cheese curds and whey, and two
slices of that excellent Piedmont bread, which I prefer to any other; and
for five or six sous I had one of the most delicious meals I ever
recollect to have made.

It was time to seek a lodging: as I already knew enough of the
Piedmontese language to make myself understood, this was a work of no
great difficulty; and I had so much prudence, that I wished to adapt it
rather to the state of my purse than the bent of my inclinations. In the
course of my inquiries, I was informed that a soldier's wife, in
Po-street, furnished lodgings to servants out of place at only one sou a
night, and finding one of her poor beds disengaged, I took possession of
it. She was young and newly married, though she already had five or six
children. Mother, children and lodgers, all slept in the same chamber,
and it continued thus while I remained there. She was good-natured,
swore like a carman, and wore neither cap nor handkerchief; but she had a
gentle heart, was officious; and to me both kind and serviceable.

For several days I gave myself up to the pleasures of independence and
curiosity; I continued wandering about the city and its environs,
examining every object that seemed curious or new; and, indeed, most
things had that appearance to a young novice. I never omitted visiting
the court, and assisted regularly every morning at the king's mass.
I thought it a great honor to be in the same chapel with this prince
and his retinue; but my passion for music, which now began to make its
appearance, was a greater incentive than the splendor of the court,
which, soon seen and always the same, presently lost its attraction.
The King of Sardinia had at that time the best music in Europe; Somis,
Desjardins, and the Bezuzzi shone there alternately; all these were not
necessary to fascinate a youth whom the sound of the most simple
instrument, provided it was just, transported with joy. Magnificence
only produced a stupid admiration, without any violent desire to partake
of it, my thoughts were principally employed in observing whether any
young princess was present that merited my homage, and whom I could make
the heroine of a romance.

Meantime, I was on the point of beginning one; in a less elevated sphere,
it is true, but where could I have brought it to a conclusion, I should
have found pleasures a thousand times more delicious.

Though I lived with the strictest economy, my purse insensibly grew
lighter. This economy was, however, less the effect of prudence than
that love of simplicity, which, even to this day, the use of the most
expensive tables has not been able to vitiate. Nothing in my idea,
either at that time or since, could exceed a rustic repast; give me milk,
vegetables, eggs, and brown bread, with tolerable wine and I shall always
think myself sumptuously regaled; a good appetite will furnish out the
rest, if the maitre d' hotel, with a number of unnecessary footmen, do
not satiate me with their important attentions. Five or six sous would
then procure me a more agreeable meal than as many livres would have done
since; I was abstemious, therefore, for want of a temptation to be
otherwise: though I do not know but I am wrong to call this abstinence,
for with my pears, new cheese, bread and some glasses of Montferrat wine,
which you might have cut with a knife, I was the greatest of epicures.
Notwithstanding my expenses were very moderate, it was possible to see
the end of twenty livres; I was every day more convinced of this, and,
spite of the giddiness of youth, my apprehensions for the future amounted
almost to terror. All my castles in the air were vanished, and I became
sensible of the necessity of seeking some occupation that would procure
me a subsistence.

Even this was a work of difficulty; I thought of my engraving, but knew
too little of it to be employed as a journeyman, nor do masters abound in
Turin; I resolved, therefore, till something better presented itself, to
go from shop to shop, offering to engrave ciphers, or coats of arms, on
pieces of plate, etc., and hoped to get employment by working at a low
price; or taking what they chose to give me. Even this expedient did not
answer my expectations; almost all my applications were ineffectual, the
little I procured being hardly sufficient to produce a few scanty meals.

Walking one morning pretty early in the 'Contra nova', I saw a young
tradeswoman behind a counter, whose looks were so charmingly attractive,
that, notwithstanding my timidity with the ladies, I entered the shop
without hesitation, offered my services as usual: and had the happiness
to have it accepted. She made me sit down and recite my little history,
pitied my forlorn situation; bade me be cheerful, and endeavored to make
me so by an assurance that every good Christian would give me assistance;
then (while she had occasion for) she went up stairs and fetched me
something for breakfast. This seemed a promising beginning, nor was what
followed less flattering: she was satisfied with my work, and, when I had
a little recovered myself, still more with my discourse. She was rather
elegantly dressed and notwithstanding her gentle looks this appearance of
gayety had disconcerted me; but her good-nature, the compassionate tone
of her voice, with her gentle and caressing manner, soon set me at ease
with myself; I saw my endeavors to please were crowned with success, and
this assurance made me succeed the more. Though an Italian, and too
pretty to be entirely devoid of coquetry, she had so much modesty, and I
so great a share of timidity, that our adventure was not likely to be
brought to a very speedy conclusion, nor did they give us time to make
any good of it. I cannot recall the few short moments I passed with this
lovely woman without being sensible of an inexpressible charm, and can
yet say, it was there I tasted in their utmost perfection the most
delightful, as well as the purest pleasures of love.

She was a lively pleasing brunette, and the good nature that was painted
on her lovely face rendered her vivacity more interesting. She was
called Madam Basile: her husband, who was considerably older than
herself, consigned her, during his absence, to the care of a clerk, too
disagreeable to be thought dangerous; but who, notwithstanding, had
pretensions that he seldom showed any signs of, except of ill--humors, a
good share of which he bestowed on me; though I was pleased to hear him
play the flute, on which he was a tolerable musician. This second
Egistus was sure to grumble whenever he saw me go into his mistress'
apartment, treating me with a degree of disdain which she took care to
repay him with interest; seeming pleased to caress me in his presence,
on purpose to torment him. This kind of revenge, though perfectly to my
taste, would have been still more charming in a 'tete a tete', but she
did not proceed so far; at least, there was a difference in the
expression of her kindness. Whether she thought me too young, that it
was my place to make advances, or that she was seriously resolved to be
virtuous, she had at such times a kind of reserve, which, though not
absolutely discouraging, kept my passion within bounds.

I did not feel the same real and tender respect for her as I did for
Madam de Warrens: I was embarrassed, agitated, feared to look, and hardly
dared to breathe in her presence, yet to have left her would have been
worse than death: How fondly did my eyes devour whatever they could gaze
on without being perceived! the flowers on her gown, the point of her
pretty foot, the interval of a round white arm that appeared between her
glove and ruffle, the least part of her neck, each object increased the
force of all the rest, and added to the infatuation. Gazing thus on what
was to be seen, and even more than was to be seen, my sight became
confused, my chest seemed contracted, respiration was every moment more
painful. I had the utmost difficulty to hide my agitation, to prevent my
sighs from being heard, and this difficulty was increased by the silence
in which we were frequently plunged. Happily, Madam Basile, busy at her
work, saw nothing of all this, or seemed not to see it: yet I sometimes
observed a kind of sympathy, especially at the frequent rising of her
handkerchief, and this dangerous sight almost mastered every effort, but
when on the point of giving way to my transports, she spoke a few words
to me with an air of tranquility, and in an instant the agitation
subsided.

I saw her several times in this manner without a word, a gesture, or even
a look, too expressive, making the least intelligence between us. The
situation was both my torment and delight, for hardly in the simplicity
of my heart, could I imagine the cause of my uneasiness. I should
suppose these 'tete a tete' could not be displeasing to her, at least,
she sought frequent occasions to renew them; this was a very
disinterested labor, certainly, as appeared by the use she made, or ever
suffered me to make of them.

Being, one day, wearied with the clerk's discourse, she had retired to
her chamber; I made haste to finish what I had to do in the back shop,
and followed her; the door was half open, and I entered without being
perceived. She was embroidering near a window on the opposite side of
the room; she could not see me; and the carts in the streets made too
much noise for me to be heard. She was always well dressed, but this day
her attire bordered on coquetry. Her attitude was graceful, her head
leaning gently forward, discovered a small circle of her neck; her hair,
elegantly dressed was ornamented with flowers; her figure was universally
charming, and I had an uninterrupted opportunity to admire it. I was
absolutely in a state of ecstasy, and, involuntary, sinking on my knees,
I passionately extended my arms towards her, certain she could not hear,
and having no conception that she could see me; but there was a chimney
glass at the end of the room that betrayed all my proceedings. I am
ignorant what effect this transport produced on her; she did not speak;
she did not look on me; but, partly turning her head, with the movement
of her finger only, she pointed to the mat that was at her feet--To start
up, with an articulate cry of joy, and occupy the place she had
indicated, was the work of a moment; but it will hardly be believed I
dared attempt no more, not even to speak, raise my eyes to hers, or rest
an instant on her knees, though in an attitude which seemed to render
such a support necessary. I was dumb, immovable, but far enough from a
state of tranquility; agitation, joy, gratitude, ardent indefinite
wishes, restrained by the fear of giving displeasure, which my
unpractised heart too much dreaded, were sufficiently discernible. She
neither appeared more tranquil, nor less intimidated than myself--uneasy
at my present situation; confounded at having brought me there, beginning
to tremble for the effects of a sign which she had made without
reflecting on the consequences, neither giving encouragement, nor
expressing disapprobation, with her eyes fixed on her work, she
endeavored to appear unconscious of everything that passed; but all my
stupidity could not hinder me from concluding that she partook of my
embarrassment, perhaps, my transports, and was only hindered by a
bashfulness like mine, without even that supposition giving me power to
surmount it. Five or six years older than myself, every advance,
according to my idea, should have been made by her, and, since she did
nothing to encourage mine, I concluded they would offend her. Even at
this time, I am inclined to believe I thought right; she certainly had
wit enough to perceive that a novice like me had occasion, not only for
encouragement but instruction.

I am ignorant how this animated, though dumb scene would have ended, or
how long I should have continued immovable in this ridiculous, though
delicious, situation, had we not been interrupted--in the height of my
agitation, I heard the kitchen door open, which joined Madam Basile's
chamber; who, being alarmed, said, with a quick voice and action, "Get
up! Here's Rosina!" Rising hastily I seized one of her hands, which she
held out to me, and gave it two eager kisses; at the second I felt this
charming hand press gently on my lips. Never in my life did I enjoy so
sweet a moment; but the occasion I had lost returned no more, this being
the conclusion of our amours.

This may be the reason why her image yet remains imprinted on my heart
in such charming colors, which have even acquired fresh lustre since I
became acquainted with the world and women. Had she been mistress of the
least degree of experience, she would have taken other measures to
animate so youthful a lover; but if her heart was weak, it was virtuous;
and only suffered itself to be borne away by a powerful though
involuntary inclination. This was, apparently, her first infidelity, and
I should, perhaps, have found more difficulty in vanquishing her scruples
than my own; but, without proceeding so far, I experienced in her company
the most inexpressible delights. Never did I taste with any other woman
pleasures equal to those two minutes which I passed at the feet of Madam
Basile without even daring to touch her gown. I am convinced no
satisfaction can be compared to that we feel with a virtuous woman we
esteem; all is transport!--A sign with the finger, a hand lightly pressed
against my lips, were the only favors I ever received from Madam Basile,
yet the bare remembrance of these trifling condescensions continues to
transport me.

It was in vain I watched the two following days for another tete a tete;
it was impossible to find an opportunity; nor could I perceive on her
part any desire to forward it; her behavior was not colder, but more
distant than usual, and I believe she avoided my looks for fear of not
being able sufficiently to govern her own. The cursed clerk was more
vexatious than ever; he even became a wit, telling me, with a satirical
sneer, that I should unquestionably make my way among the ladies. I
trembled lest I should have been guilty of some indiscretion, and looking
at myself as already engaged in an intrigue, endeavored to cover with an
air of mystery an inclination which hitherto certainly had no great need
of it; this made me more circumspect in my choice of opportunities, and
by resolving only to seize such as should be absolutely free from the
danger of a surprise, I met none.

Another romantic folly, which I could never overcome, and which, joined
to my natural timidity, tended directly to contradict the clerk's
predictions, is, I always loved too sincerely, too perfectly, I may say,
to find happiness easily attainable. Never were passions at the same
time more lively and pure than mine; never was love more tender, more
true, or more disinterested; freely would I have sacrificed my own
happiness to that of the object of my affection; her reputation was
dearer than my life, and I could promise myself no happiness for which I
would have exposed her peace of mind for a moment. This disposition has
ever made me employ so much care, use so many precautions, such secrecy
in my adventures, that all of them have failed; in a word, my want of
success with the women has ever proceeded from having loved them too
well.

To return to our Egistus, the fluter; it was remarkable that in becoming
more insupportable, the traitor put on the appearance of complaisance.
From the first day Madam Basile had taken me under her protection, she
had endeavored to make me serviceable in the warehouse; and finding I
understood arithmetic tolerably well, she proposed his teaching me to
keep the books; a proposition that was but indifferently received by this
humorist, who might, perhaps, be fearful of being supplanted. As this
failed, my whole employ, besides what engraving I had to do, was to
transcribe some bills and accounts, to write several books over fair,
and translate commercial letters from Italian into French. All at once
he thought fit to accept the before rejected proposal, saying, he would
teach me bookkeeping, by double--entry, and put me in a situation to
offer my services to M. Basile on his return; but there was something so
false, malicious, and ironical, in his air and manner, that it was by no
means calculated to inspire me with confidence. Madam Basile, replied
archly, that I was much obliged to him for his kind offer, but she hoped
fortune would be more favorable to my merits, for it would be a great
misfortune, with so much sense, that I should only be a pitiful clerk.

She often said, she would procure me some acquaintance that might be
useful; she doubtless felt the necessity of parting with me, and had
prudently resolved on it. Our mute declaration had been made on
Thursday, the Sunday following she gave a dinner. A Jacobin of good
appearance was among the guests, to whom she did me the honor to present
me. The monk treated me very affectionately, congratulated me on my late
conversion, mentioned several particulars of my story, which plainly
showed he had been made acquainted with it, then, tapping me familiarly
on the cheek, bade me be good, to keep up my spirits, and come to see him
at his convent, where he should have more opportunity to talk with me.
I judged him to be a person of some consequence by the deference that was
paid him; and by the paternal tone he assumed with Madam Basile, to be
her confessor. I likewise remember that his decent familiarity was
attended with an appearance of esteem, and even respect for his fair
penitent, which then made less impression on me than at present. Had I
possessed more experience how should I have congratulated myself on
having touched the heart of a young woman respected by her confessor!

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