Book: Paste Jewels

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PASTE JEWELS




PREFACE



It may interest the readers of this collection of tales, if there
should be any such, to know that the incidents upon which the
stories are based are unfortunately wholly truthful. They have one
and all come under the author's observation during the past ten
years, and with the exception of "Mr. Bradley's Jewel," concerning
whom it is expressly stated that she was employed through lack of
other available material, not one of the servants herein made famous
or infamous, as the case may be, was employed except upon
presentation of references written by responsible persons that could
properly have been given only to domestics of the most sterling
character. It is this last fact that points the moral of the tales
here presented, if it does not adorn them.

J. K. B.



THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS



They were very young, and possibly too amiable. Thaddeus was but
twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked
down the middle aisle of St. Peter's together.

Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a
bride on her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but
we all know how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasions--looks
difficult of analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined
timidity, if there can be such a quality expressed in the human
face. It is the natural expression of one who knows that she has
taken the most important step of her life, and, on turning to face
those who have been bidden to witness the ceremony, observes that
the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat marred by the presence in
church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, who have come for much the
same reason as that which prompts them to go to the theatre--to
enjoy the spectacle. But Bessie's face showed nothing but that
intense amiability for which she had all her life long been noted;
and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile from the moment he
turned and faced the congregation until the carriage door closed
upon him and his bride, and then, of course, he had to, his lips
being otherwise engaged. Indeed, Thaddeus's amiability was his
greatest vice. He had never been known to be ill-natured in his
life but once, and that was during the week that Bessie had kept him
in suspense while she was making up her mind not to say "No" to an
important proposition he had made--a proposition, by-the-way, which
resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely responsible for the
trials and tribulations which followed.

Thaddeus was rich--that is, he had an income and a vocation; a
charming little home was awaiting their coming, off in a convenient
suburb; and, best of all, Bessie was an accomplished house-keeper,
having studied under the best mistresses of that art to be found in
the country. And even if she had not completely mastered the art of
keeping house, Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with
them, for their waitress was a jewel, inherited from Bessie's
mother, and the cook, though somewhat advanced in years, was beyond
cavil, having been known to the family of Thaddeus for a longer
period than Thaddeus himself had been. The only uncertain quantity
in the household was Norah, the up-stairs girl, who was not only
new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic extraction.

Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, and
many there were who looked upon them with envy. At first, of
course, the household did not run as smoothly as it might have
done--meals were late, and served with less ceremony than either
liked; but, as Bessie said, as she and Thaddeus were finishing their
breakfast one morning, "What could you expect?"

To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied "What, indeed!
We get along much better than I really thought we should with old
Ellen."

Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as "Old
Ellen" even before his lips were able to utter the words.

"Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers," said Bessie. "After Jane
has got accustomed to Ellen's way of getting breakfast ready, she
will know better how to go about her own work. I think, perhaps,
cook's manner is a little harsh. She made Jane cry about the omelet
this morning; but Jane is teary, anyhow."

"It wouldn't do to have Ellen oily and Jane watery," Thaddeus
answered. "They'd mix worse than ever then. We're in pretty good
luck as it is."

"I think so, too, Teddy," Bessie replied; "but Jane is so foolish.
She might have known better than to send the square platter down to
Ellen for an omelet, when the omelet was five times as long as it
was broad."

"You always had square omelets, though, at your house--that is,
whenever I was there you had," said Thaddeus. "And I suppose Jane's
notion is that as things happened under your mother's regime, so
they ought to happen here."

"Possibly that was her notion," replied Bessie; "but, then, in your
family the omelets were oblong, and Ellen is too old to depart from
her traditions. Old people get set in their ways, and as long as
results are satisfactory, we ought not to be captious about
methods."

"No, indeed, we shouldn't," smiled Thaddeus; "but I don't want you
to give in to Ellen to too great an extent, my dear. This is your
home, and not my mother's, and your ways must be the ways of the
house."

"Ellen is all right," returned Bessie, "and I am so delighted to
have her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she knows what you like
even better, perhaps, than I do--naturally so, having grown up in
your family."

"Reverse that, my dear. Our family grew up on Ellen. She set the
culinary pace at home. Mother always let her have her own way, and
it may be she is a little spoiled."

"Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for so many
years, your mother was willing to give her up."

"Oh, I can explain that," Thaddeus answered. "I'm the youngest, you
know; the rest of the family were old enough to be weaned. Besides,
father was getting old, and he had a notion that the comforts of a
hotel were preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping. Father
likes to eat meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of hotel
life, by which you can summon anything in an instant, from a shower-
bath to a feast of terrapin, was rather pleasing to him. He was
always an admirer of the tales of the genii, and he regards the
electric button in a well-appointed hotel as the nearest approach to
the famous Aladdin lamp known to science. You press the button, and
your genii do the rest."

"But a hotel isn't home," said Bessie.

"A hotel isn't this home," answered Thaddeus. "Love in a cottage
for me; but, Bessie, perhaps you--perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea
for you to speak to Jane and Ellen this morning about their
differences. I am an hour late now."

Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business.

On Thaddeus's departure Bessie's cheerfulness also deserted her, and
for the first time in her life she felt that it would do her good if
she could fly out at somebody--somebody, however, who was not
endeared to the heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her
own family, which left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the
displeasure that she felt. Norah was, therefore, sought out, and
requested rather peremptorily to say how long it had been since she
had dusted the parlor; to which Norah was able truthfully to answer,
"This mornin', mim." Whereupon Bessie's desire to be disagreeable
departed, and saying that Norah could now clean the second-story
front-room windows, she withdrew to her own snug sewing-room until
luncheon should be served. She was just a trifle put out with Norah
for being so efficient. There is nothing so affronting to a young
house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, upon
whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside of the
newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected. It was almost
unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so impeccably conscientious
when Jane and Ellen were developing eccentricities; but there was
the consoling thought that when they had all been together a month
or two longer, their eccentricities would so shape themselves that
they would fit into one another, and ultimately bind the little
domestic structure more firmly together.

"Perhaps if I let them alone," Bessie said to herself, "they'll
forget their differences more quickly. I guess, on the whole, I
will say nothing about it."

That night, when Thaddeus came home, the first thing he said to his
wife was: "Well, I suppose you were awfully firm this morning, eh?
Went down into the kitchen and roared like a little tyrant, eh? I
really was afraid to read the paper on the way home. Didn't know
but what I'd read of a 'Horrid Accident in High Life. Mrs. Thaddeus
Perkins's Endeavor to Maintain Discipline in the Household Results
Fatally. Two Old Family Servants Instantly Killed, and Three of the
Kitchen Table Legs Broken by a Domestic Explosion!'"

"Be serious, Thaddeus," said Bessie.

And Thaddeus became instantly serious. "They--they haven't left us,
have they?" he whispered, in an awe-struck tone.

"No. I--I thought I'd let them fight it out between themselves,"
replied Bessie. "You see, Thaddeus, servants are queer, and do not
like to have their differences settled by others than themselves.
It'll work out all right, if we let them alone."

"I don't know but that you are right," said Thaddeus, after a few
moments of thought. "They're both sensible girls, and capable of
fighting their own battles. Let's have dinner. I'm hungry as a
bear."

It was half-past six o'clock, and the usual hour for dinner. At
8.10 dinner was served. The intervening time was consumed by Jane
and Ellen endeavoring to settle their differences by the silent,
sniffy method--that is, Jane would sniff, and Ellen would be silent;
and then Ellen would sniff, and Jane would be silent. As for
Thaddeus and Bessie, they were amused rather than angry to have the
dear little broiled chicken Bessie had provided served on the large
beef-platter; and when the pease came up in a cut-glass salad-dish,
Thaddeus laughed outright, but Bessie's eyes grew moist. It was too
evident that Jane and Ellen were not on speaking terms, and there
was strong need for some one to break the ice. Fortunately,
Bessie's mother called that evening, and some of her time was spent
below-stairs. What she said there only Ellen and Jane knew, but it
had its effect, and for two or three weeks the jewels worked almost
as satisfactorily as did Norah, the new girl, and quite
harmoniously.

"Bessie," said Thaddeus, one night as they ate their supper, "does
it occur to you that the roast is a little overdone to-night?"

"Yes, Teddy, it is very much overdone. I must speak to Ellen about
it. She is a little careless about some things. I've told her
several times that you like your beef rare."

"Well, I'd tell her again. Constant dropping of water on its
surface will wear away a stone, and I think, perhaps, the constant
dropping of an idea on a cook's head may wear away some of the
thickest parts of that--at least, until it is worn thin enough for
the idea to get through to where her brain ought to be. You might
say to her, too, that for several nights past dinner has been cold."

"I'll speak to her in the morning," was Bessie's reply; and the dear
little woman was true to her purpose.

"She explained about the beef and the cold dinner, Ted," she said,
when Thaddeus came home that afternoon.

"Satisfactorily to all hands, I hope?" said Thaddeus, with his usual
smile.

"Yes, perfectly. In fact, I wonder we hadn't thought of it
ourselves. In the old home, you know, the dinner-hour was six
o'clock, while here it is half-past six."

"What has that got to do with it?" asked Thaddeus.

"How obtuse of you, Teddy!" exclaimed Bessie. "Don't you see, the
poor old thing has been so used to six-o'clock dinners that she has
everything ready for us at six? And if we are half an hour late, of
course things get cold; or if they are kept in the oven, as was the
case with the beef last night, they are apt to be overdone?"

"Why, of course. Ha! Ha! Wonder I didn't think of that," laughed
Thaddeus, though his mirth did seem a little forced. "But--she's--
she's going to change, I suppose?"

"She said she'd try," Bessie replied. "She was really so very nice
about it, I hadn't the heart to scold her."

"I'm glad," was all Thaddeus said, and during the rest of the meal
he was silent. Once or twice he seemed on the verge of saying
something, but apparently changed his mind.

"Are you tired to-night, dear?" said Bessie, as the dessert was
served.

"No. Why?" said Thaddeus, shortly.

"Oh, nothing. I thought you seemed a little so," Bessie answered.
"You mustn't work too hard down-town."

"No, my dear girl," he said. "I won't, and I don't. I was thinking
all through dinner about those girls down-stairs. Perhaps--perhaps
I had better talk to them, eh? You are so awfully kind-hearted, and
it does seem to me as though they imposed a little on you, that's
all. The salad to-night was atrocious. It should have been kept on
the ice, instead of which it comes to the table looking like a last
year's bouquet."

Bessie's eyes grew watery. "I'm afraid it was my fault," she said.
"I ought to have looked after the salad myself. I always did at
home. I suppose Jane got it out expecting me to prepare it."

"Oh, well, never mind," said Thaddeus, desirous of soothing the
troubled soul of his wife. "I wouldn't have mentioned it, only Jane
does too much thinking, in a thoughtless way, anyhow. Servants
aren't paid to think."

"I'll tell you what, Thaddeus," said Bessie, her spirits returning,
"we are just as much to blame as they are; we've taken too much for
granted, and so have they. Suppose we spend the evening putting
together a set of rules for the management of the house? It will be
lots of fun, and perhaps it will do the girls good. They ought to
understand that while our parents have had their ways--and
reasonable ways--there is no reason why we should not have our
ways."

"In other words," said Thaddeus, "what we want to draw up is a sort
of Declaration of Independence."

"That's it, exactly," Bessie replied.

"Better get a slate and write them on that," suggested Thaddeus,
with a broad grin. "Then we can rub out whatever Jane and Ellen
don't like."

"I hate you when you are sarcastic," said Bessie, with a pout, and
then she ran for her pad and pencil.

The evening was passed as she had suggested, and when they retired
that night the house of Perkins was provided with a constitution and
by-laws.

"I don't suppose I shall recognize my surroundings when I get back
home to-night," said Thaddeus, when he waked up in the morning.

"Why not?" asked Bessie. "What strange transformation is there to
be?"

"The discipline will be so strict," answered Thaddeus. "I presume
you will put those rules of ours into operation right away?"

"I have been thinking about that," said Bessie, after a moment.
"You see, Thad, there are a great many things about running a house
that neither you nor I are familiar with yet, and it seems to me
that maybe we'd better wait a little while before we impose these
rules on the girls; it would be awkward to have to make changes
afterwards, you know."

"There is something in that," said Thaddeus; "but, after all, not so
much as you seem to think. All rules have exceptions. I've no
doubt that the cook will take exception to most of them."

"That's what I'm afraid of, and as she's so old I kind of feel as if
I ought to respect her feelings a little more than we would Norah's,
for instance. I can just tell you I shall make Norah stand around."

"I think it would be a good plan if you did," said Thaddeus. "I'm
afraid Norah will die if you don't. She works too hard to be a real
servant--real servants stand around so much, you know."

"Don't be flippant, Thaddeus. This is a very serious matter. Norah
is a good girl, as you say. She works so much and so quickly that
she really makes me tired, and I'm constantly oppressed with the
thought that she may get through with whatever she is doing before I
can think of something else to occupy her time. But with her we
need have none of the feeling that we have with Jane and Ellen. She
is young, and susceptible to new impressions. She can fall in with
new rules, while the other two might chafe under them. Now, I say
we wait until we find out if we cannot let well enough alone, and
not raise discord in our home."

"There never was an Eden without its serpent," sighed Thaddeus. "I
don't exactly like the idea of fitting our rules to their
idiosyncrasies."

"It isn't that, dear. I don't want that, either; but neither do we
wish to unnecessarily hamper them in their work by demanding that
they shall do it our way."

"Oh, well, you are the President of the Republic," said Thaddeus.
"You run matters to suit yourself, and I believe we'll have the most
prosperous institution in the world before we know it. If it were a
business matter, I'd have those rules or die; but I suppose you
can't run a house as you would a business concern. I guess you are
right. Keep the rules a week. Why not submit 'em to your mother
first?"

"I thought of that," said Bessie. "But then it occurred to me that
as Ellen had served always under your mother, it would be better if
we consulted her."

"I don't," said Thaddeus. "She'd be sure to tell you not to have
any rules, or, if she didn't, she would advise you to consult with
the cook in the matter, which would result in Ellen's becoming
President, and you and I taxpayers. She used to run our old house,
and now see the consequences!"

"What are the consequences?" asked Bessie.

"Mother and father have been driven into a hotel, and the children
have all been married."

"That's awful," laughed Bessie.

And so the rules were filed away for future reference. That they
would have remained on file for an indefinite period if Thaddeus had
not asked a friend to spend a few weeks with him, I do not doubt.
Bessie grew daily more mistrustful of their value, and Thaddeus
himself preferred the comfort of a quiet though somewhat irregular
mode of living to the turmoil likely to follow the imposition of
obnoxious regulations upon the aristocrats below-stairs. But the
coming of Thaddeus's friend made a difference.

The friend was an elderly man, with a business and a system. He was
a man, for instance, who all his life had breakfasted at seven,
lunched at one, and dined at six-thirty, of which Thaddeus was aware
when he invited him to make his suburban home his headquarters while
his own house was being renovated and his family abroad. Thaddeus
was also aware that the breakfast and dinner hours under Bessie's
regime were nominally those of his friend, and so he was able to
assure Mr. Liscomb that his coming would in no way disturb the usual
serenity of the domestic pond. The trusting friend came. Breakfast
number one was served fifteen minutes after the hour, and for the
first time in ten years Mr. Liscomb was late in arriving at his
office. He had not quite recovered from the chagrin consequent upon
his tardiness when that evening he sat down to dinner at Thaddeus's
house, served an hour and ten minutes late, Ellen having been
summoned by wire to town to buy a pair of shoes for one of her
sister's children, the sister herself suffering from poverty and
toothache.

"I hope you were not delayed seriously this morning, Mr. Liscomb,"
said Bessie, after dinner.

"Oh no, not at all!" returned Liscomb, polite enough to tell an
untruth, although its opposite was also a part of his system.

"Ellen must be more prompt with breakfast," said Thaddeus. "Seven,
sharp, is the hour. Did you speak to her about it?"

"No, but I intend to," answered Bessie. "I'll tell her the first
thing after breakfast to-morrow. I meant to have spoken about it
to-day, but when I got down-stairs she had gone out."

"Was it her day out?"

"No; but her sister is sick, and she was sent for. It was all
right. She left word where she was going with Jane."

"That was very considerate of her," said Liscomb, politely.

"Yes," said Bessie. "Ellen's a splendid woman."

Later on in the evening, about half-past nine, when Mr. Liscomb,
wearied with the excitement of the first irregular day he had known
from boyhood, retired, Thaddeus took occasion to say:

"Bessie, I think you'd better tell Ellen about having breakfast
promptly in the morning to-night, before we go to bed."

"Very well," returned Bessie, "I'll go down now and do it;" and down
she went. In a moment she was back. "The poor thing was so tired,"
she said, "that she went to bed as soon as dinner was cooked, so I
couldn't tell her."

"Why didn't you send up word to her by Jane?"

"Oh, she MUST be asleep by this time!"

"Oh!" said Thaddeus.

It was nine o'clock the next morning when Ellen opened her eyes.
Breakfast had been served a half-hour earlier, Jane and Bessie
having cooked some eggs, which Bessie ate alone, since Thaddeus and
Liscomb were compelled to take the eight-o'clock train to town,
hungry and forlorn. Liscomb was very good-natured about it to
Thaddeus, but his book-keeper had a woful tale to tell of his
employer's irritability when he returned home that night. As for
Thaddeus, he spoke his mind very plainly--to Liscomb. Bessie never
knew what he said, nor did any of the servants; but he said it to
Liscomb, and, as Liscomb remarked later, he seemed like somebody
else altogether while speaking, he was so fierce and determined
about it all. That night a telegram came from Liscomb, saying that
he had been unexpectedly delayed, and that, as there were several
matters requiring his attention at his own home, he thought he would
not be up again until Sunday.

Bessie was relieved, and Thaddeus was mad.

"We MUST have those rules," he said.

And so they were brought out. Ellen received them with stolid
indifference; Jane with indignation, if the slamming of doors in
various parts of the house that day betokened anything. Norah
accepted them without a murmur. It made no difference to Norah on
what day she swept the parlor, nor did she seem to care very much
because her "days at home" were shifted, so that her day out was
Friday instead of Thursday.

"Has Ellen said anything about the rules, my dear?" asked Thaddeus,
a week or two later.

"Not a word," returned Bessie.

"Has she 'looked' anything?"

"Volumes," Bessie answered.

"Does she take exception to any of them?"

"No," said Bessie, "and I've discovered why, too. She hasn't read
them."

Thaddeus was silent for a minute. Then he said, quite firmly for
him, "She must read them."

"MUST is a strong word, Teddy," Bessie replied, "particularly since
Ellen can't read."

"Then you ought to read them to her."

"That's what I think," Bessie answered, amiably. "I'm going to do
it very soon--day after to-morrow, I guess."

"What has Jane said?" asked Thaddeus, biting his lip.

Bessie colored. Jane had expressed herself with considerable force,
and Bessie had been a little afraid to tell Thaddeus what she had
said and done.

"Oh, nothing much," she answered. "She--she said she'd never worn
caps like a common servant, and wasn't going to begin now; and then
she didn't like having to clean the silver on Saturday afternoons,
because the silver-powder got into her finger-nails; and that really
is too bad, Teddy, because Saturday night is the night her friends
come to call, and silver-powder is awfully hard to get out of your
nails, you know; and, of course, a girl wants to appear neat and
clean when she has callers."

"Of course," said Thaddeus. "And I judge by the appearance of the
brass fenders that she doesn't like to polish them up on Wednesday
because it gives her a backache on Thursday, which is her day out."

Bessie's eyes took on their watery aspect again.

"Do the fenders look so very badly, Ted?" she asked.

"They're atrocious," said Thaddeus.

"I'm sorry, dear; but I did my best. I polished them myself this
afternoon; Jane had to go to a funeral."

"Oh, my!" cried Thaddeus. "This subject's too much for me. Let's
go out--somewhere, anywhere--to a concert. Music hath its charms to
soothe a savage breast, and my breast is simply the very essence of
wildness to-night. Put on your things, Bess, and hurry, or I'll
suffocate."

Bessie did as she was told, and before ten o'clock the happy pair
had forgotten their woes, nor do I think they would have remembered
them again that night had they not found on their return home that
they were locked out.

At this even the too amiable Bessie was angry--very angry--unjustly,
as it turned out afterwards.

"They weren't to blame, after all," she explained to Thaddeus, when
he came home the next night. "I spoke to them about it, and they
all thought we'd spend the night with your mother and father at the
Oxford."

"They're a thoughtful lot," said Thaddeus.

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