Book: The Prose Works of Jonathan Swift, D. D., Volume IV:

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[Footnote 2: Evangelista Torricelli (1608-1647) was assistant to
Galileo, and is famous as the discoverer of the phenomena on which he
made the barometer. In 1644 he published "Opera Geometrica." [T.S.]]


Ignorance.
Persecution.
Wrath.
Zeal.
CHURCH.
Moderation.
Lukewarmness.
Infidelity.
Ignorance.

The reader will observe, that the Church is placed in the middle point
of the glass between Zeal and Moderation, the situation in which she
always flourishes, and in which every good Englishman wishes her, who is
a friend to the constitution of his country. However, when it mounts to
Zeal, it is not amiss; and, when it sinks to Moderation, it is still in
admirable temper. The worst of it is, that when once it begins to rise,
it has still an inclination to ascend, insomuch that it is apt to climb
from Zeal to Wrath, and from Wrath to Persecution, which often ends in
Ignorance, and very often proceeds from it. In the same manner it
frequently takes its progress through the lower half of the glass; and,
when it has a tendency to fall, will gradually descend from Moderation
to Lukewarmness, and from Lukewarmness to Infidelity, which very often
terminates in Ignorance, and always proceeds from it.

It is a common observation, that the ordinary thermometer will be
affected by the breathing of people who are in the room where it stands,
and indeed it is almost incredible to conceive how the glass I am now
describing, will fall by the breath of the multitude crying Popery; or,
on the contrary, how it will rise when the same multitude (as it
sometimes happens) cry out in the same breath, _The Church is in
Danger_.

As soon as I have finished this my glass, and adjusted it to the
above-mentioned scale of religion, that I might make proper experiments
with it, I carried it under my cloak to several coffee-houses, and other
places of resort, about this great city. At Saint James's Coffee-house
the liquor stood at Moderation; but at Will's, to my extreme surprise,
it subsided to the very lowest mark of the glass. At the Grecian it
mounted but just one point higher; at the Rainbow it still ascended two
degrees; Child's fetched it up to Zeal, and other adjacent coffee-houses
to Wrath.

It fell in the lower half of the glass as I went further into the City,
till at length it settled at Moderation, where it continued all the time
I stayed about the Change, as also whilst I passed by the Bank. And here
I cannot but take notice, that, through the whole course of my remarks,
I never observed my glass to rise at the same time that the stocks did.

To complete the experiment, I prevailed upon a friend of mine, who works
under me in the occult sciences, to make a progress with my glass
through the whole Island of Great Britain; and, after his return, to
present me with a register of his observations. I guessed beforehand at
the temper of several places he passed through, by the characters they
have had time out of mind. Thus that facetious divine, Dr. Fuller,[3]
speaking of the town of Banbury near a hundred years ago, tells us, it
was a place famous for cakes and zeal, which I find by my glass is true
to this day, as to the latter part of his description; though I must
confess, it is not in the same reputation for cakes that it was in the
time of that learned author; and thus of other places. In short, I have
now by me, digested in an alphabetical order, all the counties,
corporations, and boroughs in Great Britain, with their respective
tempers, as they stand related to my thermometer. But this I shall keep
to myself, because I would by no means do any thing that may seem to
influence any ensuing election.

[Footnote 3: Thomas Fuller, D.D. (1608-1661) was the author of "History
of the Worthies of England," "History of the Holy War," and many other
works distinguished for their humour and style. [T.S.]]

The point of doctrine which I would propagate by this my invention, is
the same which was long ago advanced by that able teacher Horace, out of
whom I have taken my text for this discourse: We should be careful not
to over-shoot ourselves in the pursuits even of virtue. Whether zeal or
moderation be the point we aim at, let us keep fire out of the one, and
frost out of the other. But, alas! the world is too wise to want such a
precaution. The terms High-Church and Low-Church, as commonly used, do
not so much denote a principle, as they distinguish a party. They are
like words of battle, they have nothing to do with their original
signification, but are only given out to keep a body of men together,
and to let them know friends from enemies.

I must confess I have considered, with some attention, the influence
which the opinions of these great national sects have upon their
practice; and do look upon it as one of the unaccountable things of our
times, that multitudes of honest gentlemen, who entirely agree in their
lives, should take it in their heads to differ in their religion.[4]

[Footnote 4: Here the "Tatler" paper ends. [T.S.]]

I shall conclude this paper with an account of a conference which
happened between a very excellent divine (whose doctrine was easy, and
formerly much respected) and a lawyer.

* * * * *

And behold a certain lawyer stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master,
what shall I do to inherit eternal life?

He said unto him, What is written in the law? How readest thou?

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy
heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all
thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.

And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right; this do, and thou shalt
live.

But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, And who is my
neighbour?

And Jesus answering, said; A certain man went down from Jerusalem to
Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and
wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

And by chance there came down a certain priest that way; and, when he
saw him, he passed by on the other side.

And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him,
and passed by on the other side.

But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was; and, when
he saw him, he had compassion on him.

And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine; and
set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of
him.

And on the morrow, when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave
them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him, and whatsoever
thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.

Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that
fell among the thieves?

And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go,
and do thou likewise. Luke x. 25 to 38.

* * * * *

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APPENDIX III.


SWIFT AND SERJEANT BETTESWORTH.


The _rencontre_ with Serjeant Bettesworth, to which reference has
already been made in the note prefixed to "The Presbyterians' Plea of
Merit," is further illustrated by the Resolution which the inhabitants
of the Liberty of St. Patrick's passed, and which they presented to the
Dean. Bettesworth, as a note in the thirteenth volume of Swift's works
(1762) states, "engaged his footman and two ruffians to attend him, in
order to secure the dean wherever they met him, until he had gratified
his resentment either by maiming or stabbing him." Accordingly, he went
directly to the deanery, and hearing the Dean was at a friend's house
(Rev. Mr. John Worrall's in Big Ship Street), followed him thither,
charged him with writing the said verses, but had not courage enough to
put his bloody design in execution. However, as he had the assurance to
relate this affair to several noblemen and gentlemen, the inhabitants of
the Liberty of St. Patrick's waited upon the Dean, and presented the
following paper, signed by above thirty of them, in the name of
themselves, and the rest of their neighbourhood:

"We the inhabitants of the Liberty of the Dean and Chapter of St
Patrick's Dublin, and the neighbourhood of the same, having been
informed, by universal report, that a certain man of this city hath
openly threatened, and sworn before many hundred people, as well persons
of quality as others, that he resolves upon the first opportunity, by
the help of several ruffians, to murder or maim the Reverend the Dean of
St. Patrick, our neighbour, benefactor, and the head of the Liberty of
St Patrick, upon a frivolous unproved suspicion of the said Dean's
having written some lines in verse reflecting on the said man.

"Therefore, we, the said inhabitants of the said Liberty, and in the
neighbourhood thereof, from our great love and respect to the said Dean,
to whom the whole kingdom hath so many obligations, as well as we of the
Liberty, do unanimously declare, that we will endeavour to defend the
life and limbs of the said Dean against the said man, and all his
ruffians and murderers, as far as the law will allow, if he or any of
them presume to come into the said Liberty with any wicked malicious
intent against the house, or family, or person, or goods of the said
Dean. To which we have cheerfully, sincerely, and heartily set our
hands."

Swift, at the time of receiving this Resolution lay very ill in bed, and
was unable to receive the deputation in person. He, however, dictated
the following reply:

"GENTLEMEN,

"I receive, with great thankfulness, these many kind expressions of your
concern for my safety, as well as your declared resolution to defend me
(as far as the laws of God and man will allow) against all murderers and
ruffians, who shall attempt to enter into the liberty with any bloody or
wicked designs upon my life, my limbs, my house, or my goods. Gentlemen,
my life is in the hand of God, and whether it may be cut off by
treachery or open violence, or by the common way of other men; as long
as it continueth, I shall ever bear a grateful memory for this favour
you have shewn, beyond my expectation, and almost exceeding my wishes.

"The inhabitants of the liberty, as well as those of the neighbourhood,
have lived with me in great amity for near twenty years; which I am
confident will never diminish during my life. I am chiefly sorry, that
by two cruel disorders of deafness and giddiness, which have pursued me
for four months, I am not in condition either to hear, or to receive
you, much less to return my most sincere acknowledgements, which in
justice and gratitude I ought to do. May God bless you and your families
in this world, and make you for ever happy in the next."

The poem itself to which Bettesworth took exception is herewith
reprinted, as well as three others occasioned by the Bettesworth action.

ON THE WORDS

BROTHER PROTESTANTS AND FELLOW CHRISTIANS,

SO FAMILIARLY USED BY THE ADVOCATES FOR THE REPEAL OF THE TEST-ACT IN
IRELAND. 1733.

"An inundation, says the fable,
Overflow'd a farmer's barn and stable;
Whole ricks of hay and sacks of corn
Were down the sudden current borne;
While things of heterogeneous kind
Together float with tide and wind.
The generous wheat forgot its pride,
And sail'd with litter side by side;
Uniting all, to shew their amity,
As in a general calamity.
A ball of new-dropp'd horse's dung,
Mingling with apples in the throng,
Said to the pippin plump and prim,
'See brother, how we apples swim.'
Thus Lamb, renown'd for cutting corns,
An offer'd fee from Radcliff scorns,
'Not for the world--we doctors, brother,
Must take no fees of one another.'
Thus to a dean some curate sloven
Subscribes, 'Dear sir, your brother loving.'
Thus all the footmen, shoeboys, porters,
About St James's cry, 'We courtiers.'
Thus Horace in the house will prate,
'Sir, we, the ministers of state.'
Thus at the bar the booby Bettesworth,
Though half a crown o'erpays his sweat's worth;
Who knows in law nor text nor margent,
Calls Singleton[1] his brother sergeant.[2]
And thus fanatic saints, though neither in
Doctrine nor discipline our brethren,
Are brother Protestants and Christians,
As much as Hebrews and Philistines:
But in no other sense, than nature
Has made a rat our fellow-creature.
Lice from your body suck their food;
But is a louse your flesh and blood?
Though born of human filth and sweat, it
As well may say man did beget it.
And maggots in your nose and chin
As well may claim you for their kin.
Yet critics may object, why not?
Since lice are brethren to a Scot:
Which made our swarm of sects determine
Employments for their brother vermin.
But be they English, Irish, Scottish,
What Protestant can be so sottish,
While o'er the church these clouds are gathering,
To call a swarm of lice his brethren?
"As Moses, by divine advice,
In Egypt turn'd the dust to lice;
And as our sects, by all descriptions,
Have hearts more harden'd than Egyptians;
As from the trodden dust they spring,
And, turn'd to lice, infest the king:
For pity's sake, it would be just,
A rod should turn them back to dust.
Let folks in high or holy stations
Be proud of owning such relations;
Let courtiers hug them in their bosom,
As if they were afraid to lose 'em:
While I, with humble Job, had rather
Say to corruption--'Thou 'rt my father.'
For he that has so little wit
To nourish vermin, may be bit."

[Footnote 1: Henry Singleton, Esq., then prime sergeant, afterwards
lord-chief-justice of the common pleas, which he resigned, and was some
time after made master of the rolls. [F.]]

[Footnote 2: These lines occasioned the personal attack upon the Dean.
[T.S.]]




AN EPIGRAM.[1]

INSCRIBED TO THE HONOURABLE SERGEANT KITE.

"In your indignation what mercy appears.
While Jonathan's threaten'd with loss of his ears;
For who would not think it a much better choice,
By your knife to be mangled than rack'd with your voice.
If truly you [would] be revenged on the parson,
Command his attendance while you act your farce on;
Instead of your maiming, your shooting, or banging,
Bid _Povey_[2] secure him while you are haranguing.
Had this been your method to torture him, long since,
He had cut his own ears to be deaf to your nonsense."

[Footnote 1: Now first published from a copy in the Dean's handwriting;
in possession of J. Connill, Esq. [S.]]

[Footnote 2: Povey was sergeant-at-arms to the House of Commons.]




"THE YAHOO'S OVERTHROW; OR, THE KEVAN
BAYL'S NEW BALLAD."[3]

UPON SERGEANT KITE'S INSULTING THE DEAN.

_To the Tune of "Derry Down."_


"Jolley boys of St Kevan's,[4] St Patrick's, Donore,
And Smithfield, I'll tell you, if not told before,
How Bettesworth, that booby, and scoundrel in grain,
Has insulted us all by insulting the Dean.
Knock him down, down, down, knock him down.


[Footnote 3: "Grub Street Journal," No. 189, August 9th, 1734.--"In
December last, Mr. Bettesworth of the city of Dublin, serjeant-at-law,
and member of parliament, openly swore, before many hundreds of people,
that, upon the first opportunity, by the help of ruffians, he would
murder or maim the Dean of St. Patrick's, (Dr. Swift). Upon which
thirty-one of the principal inhabitants of that liberty signed a paper
to this effect: 'That, out of their great love and respect to the Dean,
to whom the whole kingdom hath so many obligations, they would endeavour
to defend the life and limbs of the said Dean against a certain man and
all his ruffians and murderers.' With which paper they, in the name of
themselves and all the inhabitants of the city, attended the Dean on
January 8, who being extremely ill in bed of a giddiness and deafness,
and not able to receive them, immediately dictated a very grateful
answer. The occasion of a certain man's declaration of his villainous
design against the Dean, was a frivolous unproved suspicion that he had
written some lines in verse reflecting upon him."]

[Footnote 4: Kevan Bayl was a cant expression for the mob of this
district of Dublin.]

"The Dean and his merits we every one know,
But this skip of a lawyer, where the de'il did he grow?
How greater his merit at Four Courts or House,
Than the barking of Towzer, or leap of a louse!
Knock him down, &c.

"That he came from the Temple, his morals do show;
But where his deep law is, few mortals yet know:
His rhetoric, bombast, silly jests, are by far
More like to lampooning, than pleading at bar.
Knock him down, &c.

"This pedlar, at speaking and making of laws,
Has met with returns of all sorts but applause;
Has, with noise and odd gestures, been prating some years,
What honester folk never durst for their ears.
Knock him down, &c.

"Of all sizes and sorts, the fanatical crew
Are his brother Protestants, good men and true;
Red hat, and blue bonnet, and turban's the same,
What the de'il is't to him whence the devil they came.
Knock him down, &c.

"Hobbes, Tindal, and Woolston, and Collins, and Nayler,
And Muggleton, Toland, and Bradley the tailor,
Are Christians alike; and it may be averr'd,
He's a Christian as good as the rest of the herd.
Knock him down, &c.

"He only the rights of the clergy debates;
Their rights! their importance! We'll set on new rates
On their tithes at half-nothing, their priesthood at less;
What's next to be voted with ease you may guess.
Knock him down, &c.

"At length his old master, (I need not him name,)
To this damnable speaker had long owed a shame;
When his speech came abroad, he paid him off clean,
By leaving him under the pen of the Dean.
Knock him down, &c.

"He kindled, as if the whole satire had been
The oppression of virtue, not wages of sin:
He began, as he bragg'd, with a rant and a roar;
He bragg'd how he bounced, and he swore how he swore.[5]
Knock him down, &c.

[Footnote 5: See the Dean's letter to the Duke of Dorset, in which he
gives an account of his interview with Bettesworth, about which he
alleges the serjeant had spread abroad five hundred falsehoods. [S.]]

"Though he cringed to his deanship in very low strains,
To others he boasted of knocking out brains,
And slitting of noses, and cropping of ears,
While his own ass's zags were more fit for the shears.
Knock him down, &c.

"On this worrier of deans whene'er we can hit,
We'll shew him the way how to crop and to slit;
We'll teach him some better address to afford
To the dean of all deans, though he wears not a sword.
Knock him down, &c.

"We'll colt him through Kevan, St Patrick's, Donore,
And Smithfield, as rap was ne'er colted before;
We'll oil him with kennel, and powder him with grains,
A modus right fit for insulters of deans.
Knock him down, &c.

"And, when this is over, we'll make him amends,
To the Dean he shall go; they shall kiss and be friends:
But how? Why, the Dean shall to him disclose
A face for to kiss, without eyes, ears, or nose.
Knock him down, &c.

"If you say this is hard on a man that is reckon'd
That sergeant-at-law whom we call Kite the Second,
You mistake; for a slave, who will coax his superiors,
May be proud to be licking a great man's posteriors.
Knock him down, &c.

"What care we how high runs his passion or pride?
Though his soul he despises, he values his hide;
Then fear not his tongue, or his sword, or his knife;
He'll take his revenge on his innocent wife.
Knock him down, down, down, keep him down."




"ON THE ARCHBISHOP OF CASHEL,[1] AND BETTESWORTH.


"Dear Dick, pr'ythee tell by what passion you move?
The world is in doubt whether hatred or love;
And, while at good Cashel you rail with such spite,
They shrewdly suspect it is all but a bite.
You certainly know, though so loudly you vapour,
His spite cannot wound who attempted the Drapier.
Then, pr'ythee, reflect, take a word of advice;
And, as your old wont is, change sides in a trice:
On his virtues hold forth; 'tis the very best way;
And say of the man what all honest men say.
But if, still obdurate, your anger remains,
If still your foul bosom more rancour contains,
Say then more than they, nay, lavishly flatter;
'Tis your gross panegyrics alone can bespatter;
For thine, my dear Dick, give me leave to speak plain,
Like very foul mops, dirty more than they clean."

[Footnote 1: Dr. Theophilus Bolton. [T.S.]]



The letter to the Earl of Dorset, containing Swift's version of the
story is as follows:

"January, 1734.

"MY LORD,

"It has been my great misfortune that since your grace's return to this
kingdom I have not been able to attend you, as my duty and gratitude for
your favours as well as the honour of having been so many years known to
you obliged me to do. I have been pursued by two old disorders, a
giddiness and deafness, which used to leave me in three or four weeks,
but now have continued four months. Thus I am put under a necessity to
write what I would rather have chosen to say in your grace's presence.

"On Monday last week towards evening there came to the deanery one Mr.
Bettesworth; who, being told by the servants that I was gone to a
friend's house,[1] went thither to inquire for me, and was admitted into
the street parlour. I left my company in the back room and went to him.
He began with asking me 'whether I were the author of certain verses
wherein he was reflected on.' The singularity of the man, in his
countenance, manner, action, style, and tone of voice, made me call to
mind that I had once seen him about two or three years ago at Mr.
Ludlow's country-house. But I could not recollect his name; and of what
calling he might be I had never heard. I therefore desired to know who
and what he was; said 'I had heard of some such verses, but knew no
more.' He then signified to me 'that he was a serjeant-at-law and a
member of parliament.' After which he repeated the lines that concerned
him with great emphasis; said 'I was mistaken in one thing, for he
assured me he was no booby, but owned himself to be a coxcomb.' However,
that being a point of controversy wherein I had no concern, I let it
drop. As to the verses, he insisted, 'that by his taste and skill in
poetry he was as sure I wrote them as if he had seen them fall from my
pen.' But I found the chief weight of his argument lay upon two words
that rhymed to his name, which he knew could come from none but me. He
then told me 'that, since I would not own the verses, and that since he
could not get satisfaction by any course of law, he would get it by his
pen, and show the world what a man I was.' When he began to grow
over-warm and eloquent I called in the gentleman of the house from the
room adjoining; and the serjeant, going on with less turbulence, went
away. He had a footman in the hall during all his talk, who was to have
opened the door for one or more fellows, as he has since reported; and
likewise that he had a sharp knife in his pocket, ready to stab or maim
me. But the master and mistress of the house, who knew his character and
could hear every word from the room they were in, had prepared a
sufficient defence in such a case, as they afterward told me. He has
since related to five hundred persons of all ranks about five hundred
falsehoods of this conversation, of my fears and his own brutalities,
against all probability as well as fact; and some of them, as I have
been assured, even in the presence of your grace. His meanings and his
movements were indeed peevish enough, but his words were not. He
threatened me with nothing but his pen, yet owned he had no pretence to
wit. And indeed I am heartily glad for his own sake that he proceeded no
farther, for the least uproar would have called his nearest neighbours
first to my assistance, and next to the manifest danger of his life; and
I would not willingly have even a dog killed upon my account. Ever since
he has amused himself with declaring in all companies, especially before
bishops and lords and members of parliament, his resolutions for
vengeance and the several manners by which he will put it in execution.

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