Book: The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), Part 4.
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Robert Seymour >> The Sketches of Seymour (Illustrated), Part 4.
SKETCHES BY SEYMOUR
Part 4.
[WATTY WILLIAMS AND BULL]
"He sat, like patience on a monument, smiling at grief."
Watty Williams was a studious youth, with a long nose and a short pair of
trowsers; his delight was in the green fields, for he was one of those
philosophers who can find sermons in stones, and good in everything. One
day, while wandering in a meadow, lost in the perusal of Zimmerman on
Solitude, he was suddenly aroused from his reverie by a loud "Moo!" and,
turning about, he descried, to his dismay, a curly-fronted bull making
towards him.
Now, Watt., was so good-humoured a fellow, that he could laugh at an
Irish bull, and withal, so staunch a Protestant, that a papal bull only
excited a feeling of pity and contempt; but a bull of the breed which was
careering towards him in such lively bounds, alarmed him beyond all
bounds; and he forthwith scampered over the meadow from the pugnaceous
animal with the most agile precipitation imaginable; for he was not one
of those stout-hearted heroes who could take the bull by the
horns--especially as the animal appeared inclined to contest the meadow
with him; and though so fond of beef (as he naturally was), he declined a
round upon the present occasion.
Seeing no prospect of escape by leaping stile or hedge, he hopped the
green turf like an encaged lark, and happily reached a pollard in the
midst of the meadow.
Climbing up with the agility of a squirrel, he seated himself on the
knobby summit of the stunted willow.
Still retaining his Zimmerman and his senses, he looked down and beheld
the corniferous quadruped gamboling playfully round his singular asylum.
"Very pleasant!" exclaimed he; "I suppose, old fellow you want to have a
game at toss!--if so, try it on with your equals, for you must see, if
you have any gumption, that Watty Williams is above you. Aye, you may
roar!--but if I sit here till Aurora appears in the east, you won't catch
me winking. What a pity it is you cannot reflect as well as ruminate;
you would spare yourself a great deal of trouble, and me a little fright
and inconvenience."
The animal disdainfully tossed his head, and ran at the tree--and
"Away flew the light bark!"
in splinters, but the trunk remained unmoved.
"Shoo! shoo!" cried Watty, contemptuously; but he found that shoo'ing
horns was useless; the beast still butted furiously against the harmless
pollard.
"Hallo!" cried he to a dirty boy peeping at a distance--"Hallo!" but the
lad only looked round, and vanished in an instant.
"The little fool's alarmed, I do believe!" said he; "He's only a cow-boy,
I dare say!" And with this sapient, but unsatisfactory conclusion, he
opened his book, and read aloud, to keep up his courage.
The bull hearing his voice, looked up with a most melancholy leer, the
corners of his mouth drawn down with an expression of pathetic gravity.
Luckily for Watty, the little boy had given information of his dilemma,
and the farmer to whom the bull belonged came with some of his men, and
rescued him from his perilous situation.
"The gentleman will stand something to drink, I hope?" said one of the
men.
"Certainly" said Watty.
"That's no more than right," said the farmer, "for, according to the New
Police Act, we could fine you."
"What for?"
"Why, we could all swear that when we found you, you were so elevated you
could not walk!"
Hereupon his deliverers set up a hearty laugh.
Watty gave them half-a-crown; saying, with mock gravity--
"I was on a tree, and you took me off--that was kind! I was in a fright,
and you laughed at me; that was uncharitable. Farewell!"
DELICACY!
Lounging in Hyde Park with the facetious B____, all on a summer's day,
just at that period when it was the fashion to rail against the beautiful
statue, erected by the ladies of England, in honour of the Great
Captain--
"The hero of a hundred fights,"--
"How proudly must he look from the windows of Apsley House," said I,
"upon this tribute to his military achievements."
"No doubt," replied B____; and with all that enthusiasm with which one
man of mettle ever regards another! At the same time, how lightly must
he hold the estimation of the gallant sons of Britain, when he reflects
that he has been compelled to guard his laurelled brow from the random
bullets of a democratic mob, by shot-proof blinds to his noble mansion:
this was:
'The unkindest cut of all,'
after all his hair-breadth 'scapes, by flood and field, in the service.
of his country, to be compelled to fortify his castle against domestic
foes."
"A mere passing cloud, that can leave no lasting impression on his great
mind," said I; "while this statue will for ever remain, a memorial of his
great deeds; and yet the complaint is general that the statue is
indelicate--as if, forsooth, this was the first statue exhibited in
'puris naturalibus' in England. I really regard it as the senseless
cavilling of envious minds."
"True," said B____, laughing; "there is a great deal of railing about the
figure, but we can all see through it!" at the same time thrusting his
walking-stick through the iron-fence that surrounds the pedestal. As for
delicacy, it is a word that is used so indiscriminately, and has so many
significations, according to the mode, that few people rightly understand
its true meaning. We say, for instance, a delicate child; and
pork-butchers recommend a delicate pig! Delicacy and indelicacy depend
on the mind of the recipient, and is not so much in the object as the
observer, rely on't. Some men have a natural aptitude in discovering the
indelicate, both in words and figures they appear, in a manner, to seek
for it. I assure you that. I (you may laugh if you will) have often
been put to the blush by the repetition of some harmless phrase, dropped
innocently from my lips, and warped by one of these 'delicate' gentlemen
to a meaning the very reverse of what I intended to convey. Like men
with green spectacles, they look upon every object through an artificial
medium, and give it a colour that has no existence in itself!
It was only last week, I was loitering about this very spot, when I
observed, among the crowd of gazers, a dustman dressed in his best, and
his plump doxy, extravagantly bedizened in her holiday clothes, hanging
on his arm.
As they turned away, the lady elevated the hem of her rather short
garments a shade too high (as the delicate dustman imagined) above her
ancle. He turned towards her, and, in an audible whisper, said,
'Delicacy, my love--'delicacy!'--'Lawks, Fred!' replied the damsel, with
a loud guffaw,'--'it's not fashionable!--besides, vot's the good o'
having a fine leg, if one must'nt show it?'
So much for opinions on delicacy!
"NOW JEM--"
"Now, Jem, let's shew these gals how we can row."
The tide is agin us, I know,
But pull away, Jem, like a trump;
Vot's that? O! my vig, it's a barge--
Oh! criky! but that vos a bump!
How lucky 'twas full o' round coals,
Or ve might ha' capsized her--perhaps!
See, the bargemen are grinning, by goles!
I never seed sich wulgar chaps.
Come, pull away, Jem, like a man,
A vherry's a coming along
Vith a couple o' gals all agog--
So let us be first in the throng.
Now put your scull rig'ler in,
Don't go for to make any crabs;
But feather your oar, like a nob,
And show 'em ve're nothink but dabs!
The vaterman's leering at us,
And the gals is a giggling so--
They take us for green'uns, but ve
Vill soon show 'em how ve can row.
Alas! for poor Bobby's "show off"--
He slipp'd in a trice from his seat--
While his beaver fell into the stream,
And the gals laugh'd aloud at his feat.
For his boots were alone to be seen,
As he sprawled like a crab on its back;
While the waterman cried--"Ho! my lads!
I think you'd best try t'other tack!"
Says Bobby--"You fool, it's your fault;
Look--my best Sunday castor is vet:
Pull ashore, then, as fast as you can.
I can't row no more--I'm upset.
"I think that my napper is broke,
Abumpin' agin this wile boat;
You may laugh--but I think it's no joke:
And I shan't soon agin be afloat.
"I'll never take you out agin--
I've had quite enough in this bout!"
Cried Jem--"Don't be angry vith me;
Sit still, and I'll soon--PUT YOU OUT!"
STEAMING IT TO MARGATE.
"Steward, bring me a glass of brandy as quick as you can."
Since the invention of steam, thousands have been tempted to inhale the
saline salubrity of the sea, that would never have been induced to try,
and be tried, by the experiment of a trip. Like hams for the market,
every body is now regularly salted and smoked. The process, too, is so
cheap! The accommodations are so elegant, and the sailors so smart! None
of the rolling roughness of quid-chewing Jack-tars. Jack-tars! pshaw!
they are regular smoke jacks on board a steamer! The Steward ("waiter"
by half the cockneys called) is so ready and obliging; and then the
provisions is excellent. Who would not take a trip to Margate? There's
only one thing that rather adulterates the felicity--a drop of gall in
the cup of mead!--and that is the horrid sea-sickness! learnedly called
nostalgia; but call it by any name you please, like a stray dog, it is
pretty sure to come.
The cold perspiration--the internal commotion--the brain's giddiness--the
utter prostration of strength--the Oh! I never shall forget the
death-like feel!--Fat men rolling on the deck, like fresh caught
porpoises; little children floundering about; and white muslins and
parasols vanishing below! The smoking-hot dinner sends up its fumes, and
makes the sick more sick. Soda-water corks are popping and flying about
in every direction, like a miniature battery pointed against the assaults
of the horrid enemy!
"Steward!" faintly cries a fat bilious man, "bring me a glass of brandy
as quick as you can."
But alas! he who can thus readily summon spirits from the vasty deep, has
no power over the rolling sea, or its reaches!
"O! my poor pa!" exclaims the interesting Wilhelmina; and is so overcome,
that she, sweet sympathizer! is soon below pa in the ladies' cabin. In
fact, the greater part of the pleasure-seekers are taken--at full length.
Even young ladies from boarding-school, who are thinking of husbands,
declare loudly against maritime delight! while all the single young men
appear double.
The pier at last appears--and the cargo of drooping souls hail it with
delight, and with as grateful a reverence as if they were received by the
greatest peer of the realm!
They hurry from the boat as if 'twere Charon's, and they were about
stepping into the fields of Elysium!
A change comes o'er the spirit of their dream--their nerves are braced;
and so soon are mortal troubles obliterated from the mind, that in a few
days they are ready again to tempt the terrors of sea-sickness in a
voyage homewards--notwithstanding many of them, in their extremity, had
vowed that they never would return by water, if they outlived the present
infliction; considering, naturally enough, that it was "all up" with
them!
PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE.
"Loud roared the dreadful thunder."--Bay of Biscay.
The good ship Firefly tossed and tumbled on the mountainous waves of the
stormy sea, like a cork in a gutter; and when she could not stem the
waves, politically tried a little tergiversation, and went stern
foremost! The boatswain piped all hands, and poor Peter Simple piped his
eye; for the cry of the whole crew was, that they were all going to Davy
Jones's locker. The waves struck her so repeatedly, that at last she
appeared as ungovernable as a scold in a rage; and as she found she could
not, by any means, strike the storm in the wind, and so silence it, she
gave vent to her fury by striking upon a rock!
It was a hard alternative truly; but what could she do? The long boat
was soon alongside, and was not long before it was filled with tars and
salt-water. Alas! she was speedily swamped, and the crew were compelled
to swim for their lives. Peter, however, could not swim, but the sea
gave him a lift in his dilemma, and washed him clean ashore, where he lay
for some time like a veritable lump of salt-Peter! When the storm had
abated he came to himself, and of course found himself in no agreeable
company!
Sticking his cocked-hat on his head, and grasping his dirk in his hand,
he tottered to a rock, when, seating himself, he philosophically rocked
to and fro. "Oh! vy vos I a midshipman," cried he, "to be wrecked on
this desolate island? I vish I vos at home at Bloomsbury! Oh! that I
had but to turn and embrace my kind, good, benevolent, and much respected
grandmother." As he uttered this pathetic plaint, he heard a chatter--of
which, at first considering that it proceeded from his own teeth, he took
no notice--but the sounds being repeated, he turned his head, and beheld
a huge baboon with a dog-face and flowing hair, grinning with admiration
at his cocked hat.
One look was sufficient! he leaped from his seat, and rushed wildly
forward, threading a wood in his way, and turning in and out--in and out
--with the sharpness and facility of a needle in the heel of a worsted
stocking--he never stayed his flight, 'till he fell plump into the centre
of a group of Indians, who received him with a yell!--loud enough to
split the drums of a whole drawing-room full of ears polite.
He would have fallen headlong with fear and exhaustion upon the turf, had
not a gentle female caught the slender youth in her arms, and embraced
him with all the energetic affection of a boa-constrictor.
Peter trembled like a little inoffensive mouse in the claws of a tabby!
At the same time one of the Indians stepped forward, brandishing his
scalping knife.
He was the very prototype of an animated bronze Hercules; and, seizing
the poor middy's lank locks, with a peculiar twist, in his iron
grasp--Peter fainted!
PETER SIMPLE'S FOREIGN ADVENTURE. No. II.
"O! what a lost mutton am I!"--Inkle and Yarico.
Most luckily for poor Peter was it, that he fell into the hands, or
rather the arms, of the Indian maid; for she not only preserved his crop,
but his life. When he recovered from his swoon, he found himself seated
beside his preserver, who, with one arm round his waist, was holding a
cocoa-nut, filled with a refreshing beverage, to his parched and pallid
lips. A large fire blazed in the middle of the wide space occupied by
the Indians, and he beheld the well-known coats and jackets of the brave
crew of the Firefly scattered on the greensward.
His heart palpitated-he thought at first that the villainous Indians had
stripped them, and left them to wander in a state of nature through the
tangled and briery woods. He was, however, soon--too soon--convinced
that the savages had dressed them! Yes, that merry crew--who had so
often roasted him--had been roasted by the Indians!
From this awful fate the lovely Ootanga had preserved him. She had
suddenly conceived a violent affection for the young white-face; and,
after a long harangue to the chief, her father, his consent was obtained,
and the nuptials were celebrated.
"I smell a rat," said Peter--"I'm booked; but better booked than cooked,
at any rate;" and forthwith returned thanks to the company for the honour
they had conferred upon him, in the fashion of an after-dinner speech,
accompanied with as much pantomime as he could manage.
A dance and a feast followed, of which Peter partook; but whether rabbit,
squirrel, or monkey, formed the basis of his wedding-supper, he was not
naturalist enough to determine.
Ootanga's affection, however, was sufficient to make amends for anything;
she was, in truth, a most killing beauty, for she brought him tigers
slain by her own hands, and made a couch for him of the skins.
She caught rattlesnakes for him, and spitch-cooked them for his
breakfast. In fact, there was nothing she left undone to convince him of
her unbounded love.
Peter's heart, however, was untouched by all this show of tenderness; for
the fact is, he had already given his heart to a white-face in his own
country.
The only consolation he had in his forlorn situation was to talk of her
continually; and, as Ootanga understood not a syllable of what he
uttered, she naturally applied all his tender effusions to herself, and
laughed and grinned, and showed her white teeth, as if she would devour
her little husband.
Seated on a tiger skin, with his lawful spouse beside him, arrayed in
shells, bows, feathers, and all the adornments of a savage bride, he
still sighed for home, and plaintively exclaimed:--
"Here I am, married to the only daughter of the great chief, who would
have roasted me with the rest of our crew, had I not given a joyful
consent. Oh! I wonder if I ever shall get home, and be married to Miss
Wiggins!!!"
The lovely wide-mouthed Ootanga patted him fondly on the chin, and
dreamed in her ignorance that he was paying her a compliment in his
native language.
DOBBS'S "DUCK."
A LEGEND OF HORSELYDOWN.
It may be accepted as an indubitable truth, that when the tenderest
epithets are bandied between a married couple, that the domestic affairs
do not go particularly straight.
Dobbs and his rib were perhaps the most divided pair that ever were yoked
by Hymen. D. was a good-humored fellow, a jovial blade, full of high
spirits--while his wife was one of the most cross-grained and
cantankerous bodies that ever man was blessed with--and yet, to hear the
sweet diminutives which they both employed in their dialogues, the world
would have concluded that they were upon the best terms conceivable.
"My love," quoth Mrs. D., "I really now should like to take a boat and
row down the river as far as Battersea; the weather is so very fine, and
you know, my dear love, how fond I am of the water."
D. could have added (and indeed it was upon the very tip of his
tongue)--"mixed with spirits"--but he wisely restrained the impertinent
allusion.
"Well, my duck," said he, "you have only to name the day, you know, I am
always ready to please,"--and then, as was his habit, concluded his
gracious speech by singing--
"'Tis woman vot seduces all mankind--
Their mother's teach them the wheedling art."
"Hold your nonsense, do," replied Mrs. D____, scarcely able to restrain
her snappish humour, but, fearful of losing the jaunt, politically added,
"Suppose, love, we go to-day--no time like the present, dear."
"Thine am I--thine am I," sang the indulgent husband.
And Mrs. D____ hereupon ordered the boy to carry down to the stairs a
cargo of brandy, porter, and sandwiches, for the intended voyage, and
taking her dear love in the humour, presently appeared duly decked out
for the trip.
Two watermen and a wherry were soon obtained, and Dobbs, lighting his
cigar, alternately smoked and sang, while his duck employed herself most
agreeably upon the sandwiches.
The day was bright and sunny, and exceedingly hot; and they had scarcely
rowed as far as the Red-House, when Mrs. D____became rather misty, from
the imbibation of the copious draughts she had swallowed to quench her
thirst.
A lighter being a-head, the boatmen turned round, while Dobbs, casting up
his eyes to the blue heavens, was singing, in the hilarity of his heart,
"Hearts as warm as those above, lie under the waters cold," when the boat
heeled, and his duck, who unfortunately could not swim, slipped gently
over the gunwhale, and, unnoticed, sank to rise no more.
"Ah!" said Dobbs, when, some months afterwards, he was speaking of the
sad bereavement, "She was a wife! I shall never get such another, and,
what's more, I would not if I could."
STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM.
Among all the extraordinary and fantastic dishes compounded for the
palate of Heliogabalus, the Prince of Epicures, that delicious admixture
of the animal and the vegetable--Strawberries and Cream--is never
mentioned in the pages of the veracious chronicler of his gastronomic
feats!
Yes! 'tis a lamentable truth, this smooth, oleaginous, and delicately
odorous employment for the silver spoon, was unknown. Should the
knowledge of his loss reach him in the fields of Elysium, will not his
steps be incontinently turned towards the borders of the Styx--his
plaintive voice hail the grim ferryman, while in his most persuasive
tones he cries--
"Row me back--row me back,"
that he may enjoy, for a brief space, this untasted pleasure? Ye gods!
in our mind's eye we behold the heartless and unfeeling Charon refuse his
earnest prayer, and see his languid spirit--diluted by disappointment to
insipidity--wandering over the enamelled meads, as flat and shallow as an
overflow in the dank fens of Lincoln.
His imagination gloats upon the fragrant invention, and he gulps at the
cheating shadow until Elysium becomes a perfect Hades to his tortured
spirit.
Mellow, rich, and toothsome compound! Toothsome did we say? Nay, even
those who have lost their 'molares, incisores,' canine teeth, 'dentes
sapientiae,' and all can masticate and inwardly digest thee!
Racy and recherche relish!
Thou art--
As delicate as first love--
As white and red as a maiden's cheek--
As palateable as well-timed flattery--
As light and filling as the gas of a balloon--
As smooth as a courtier--
As odorous as the flowers of Jasmin---
As soft as flos silk--
As encouraging, without being so illusory, as Hope--
As tempting as green herbage to lean kine--
------------ a Chancery suit to the Bill of a cormorant-lawyer--
------------ a pump to a thirsty paviour--
------------ a sun-flower to a bee--
------------ a ripe melon to a fruit-knife--
------------ a rose to a nightingale--or
------------ a pot of treacle to a blue-bottle--
As beautiful to the eye as a page of virgin-vellum richly illuminated
And
As satisfactory as a fat legacy!
Talk of nectar! if Jupiter should really wish to give a bonne-bouche to
Juno, Leda, or Venus, or any one of his thousand and one flames, let him
skim the milky-way--transform the instrumental part of the music of the
spheres into 'hautboys,' and compound the only dish worth the roseate
lips of the gentle dames 'in nubibus,' and depend on it, the cups of
Ganymede and Hebe will be rejected for a bowl of--Strawberries and Cream.
A DAY'S PLEASURE.--No. I.
THE JOURNEY OUT.
"It's werry hot, but werry pleasant."
Says Mrs. Sibson to her spouse
"The days is hot and fair;
I think 'twould do the children good
To get a little hair!
"For ve've been moping here at home
And nothin' seen o' life;
Vhile neighbor Jones he takes his jaunts
O' Sundays vith his vife!"
"Vell! vell! my dear," quoth Mr. S____
"Let's hear vot you purpose;
I'm al'ays ready to comply,
As you, my love, vell knows.
"I'll make no bones about the cost;
You knows I never stick
About a trifle to amuse,
So, dearest Pol, be quick."
"Vhy, this is it:--I think ve might
To Hornsey have a day;
Maria, Peg, and Sal, and Bet
Ve'd pack into a 'chay.'
"Our Jim and Harry both could valk,
(God bless their little feet!)
The babby in my arms I'd take--
I'm sure 'twould be a treat;"
Quoth he: "I am unanimous!"
And so the day was fix'd;
And forth they started in good trim,
Tho' not with toil umnix'd.
Across his shoulders Sibson bore
A basket with the "grub,"
And to the "chay" perform'd the "horse,"
Lest Mrs. S____ should snub.
Apollo smiled!--that is, the sun
Blazed in a cloudless sky,
And Sibson soon was in a "broil"
By dragging of his "fry."
Says S____, "My love, I'm dry as dust!"
When she replied, quite gay,
"Then, drink; for see I've bottled up
My spirits for the day."
And from the basket drew a flask,
And eke a footless glass;
He quaff'd the drink, and cried, "Now, dear,
I'm strong as ____" let that pass!
At last they reach'd the destined spot
And prop and babes unpacked;
They ran about, and stuff'd, and cramm'd,
And really nothing lack'd.
And Sibson, as he "blew a cloud,"
Declared, "It vos a day!"
And vow'd that he would come again--
Then call'd for "Vot's to pay?"
A DAY'S PLEASURE.--No. II.
THE JOURNEY HOME.
"Vot a soaking ve shall get."
Across the fields they homeward trudged, when, lo! a heavy rain
Came pouring from the sky;
Poor Sibson haul'd, the children squall'd; alas! it was too plain
They would not reach home dry.
With clay-clogg'd wheels, and muddy heels, and Jim upon his back,
He grumbled on his way;
"Vell, blow my vig! this is a rig!" cried Sibson, "Vell! alack!
I shan't forget this day!
"My shoes is sop, my head's a mop; I'm vet as any think;
Oh! shan't ve cotch a cold!"
"Your tongue is glib enough!" his rib exclaim'd, and made him shrink,
--For she was such a scold--
And in her eye he could descry a spark that well he knew
Into a flame would rise;
So he was dumb, silent and glum, as the small "chay" he drew,
And ventured no replies.
Slip, slop, and slush! past hedge and bush, the dripping mortals go
(Tho' 'twas "no go" S____ thought);
"If this 'ere's fun, vy I for vuu," cried he, with face of woe,
"Von't soon again be caught.
"Vet to the skin, thro' thick and thin, to trapes ain't to my mind;
So the next holiday
I vill not roam, but stick at home, for there at least I'll find
The means to soak my clay.