Book: Blackwood\'s Edinburgh Magazine, No. CCCXXIX.

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It will be readily imagined that this oration of Jack, pronounced as it
was with some of his old unction, and accompanied with that miraculous
and subtle twist of the tongue which we have described in a former
chapter,[47] produced exactly the effect upon his audience which might
be expected. The boys were delighted--tossed up their caps--gave Jack
three cheers, and told him if he stood by them they would stand by him,
and that they were much mistaken if they did not contrive to make the
schoolhouse too hot for any usher whom Squire Bull might think fit to
send them.

[47] Tale of a Tub. Sect. xi.

It happened not long after, as Jack had anticipated, that one morning a
young man called upon with a letter from the Squire, intimating that he
had named him to the vacant ushership; and requesting Jack to examine
into his qualifications as usual. Jack begged him to be seated, and
(having privately sent a message to the schoolboys) continued to
entertain him with enquiries as to John's health and the state of the
weather, till he heard, by the noise in the court, that the boys had
arrived. In they marched accordingly, armed with horn-books, primers,
slates, rulers, Gunter's-scales, and copy-books, taking up their station
near the writing-desk. The young usher-elect, though he thought this a
whimsical exhibition, supposed that the urchins had been brought there
only to do honour to his examination, and accordingly begged Jack, as he
was in a hurry, to proceed. "Fair and softly, young man," said Jack, in
his blandest tones; "we must first see what these intelligent young
gentlemen have got to say to that. Tom, my fine fellow, here is a
gentleman sent by Squire Bull to be your usher. What do you say to him?"
"I don't like him," said Tom. "May I venture to ask why?" said the
usher, putting in a word. "Don't like him," repeated Tom. "Don't like
him neither," said Dick. "And no mistake," added Peter, with a grin,
which immediately circulated round the school. "It is quite impossible,"
said Jack, "under existing circumstances, that the matter can proceed
any further; it is plain the school can never be edified by such an
usher. But, stop, that there may be no misconception on the subject.
Here you, Smith--do you really mean to say, on soul and conscience, you
don't think this respectable gentleman can do you any good?" Of course,
Smith stated that his mind was quite made up on the subject. "Come here,
Jenkins," said Jack, beckoning to another boy; "tell the truth
now--honour bright, remember. Has any body given or promised you any
apples, parliament, or other sweetmeat unknown, to induce you to vote
against the usher?" Jenkins, who had just wiped his lips of the last
remains of a gingerbread cake, which somehow or other had dropped into
his pocket by accident, protested, on his honour, that he was quite
above such a thing, and was, in fact, actuated purely by a conscientious
zeal for the cause of flogging all over the world. "The scruples of
these intelligent and ingenuous youths," said John, turning to the
usher, "must, in conscience, receive effect; the law, as laid down in my
copy of Squire Bull's own contract, is this--'That noe ushere be
yntruded intoe anie schoole against ye wille of ye schooleboys in
schoole-roome assembled.' So, with your permission, we will adjourn the
consideration of the case till the Greek Calends, or latter Lammas, if
that be more convenient." And, so saying, he left John's letter lying on
the table, and shut the schoolroom door in the face of the astonished
usher.

Squire Bull, as may be imagined, was not a little astonished and
mortified at hearing from the usher, who returned looking foolish and
chop-fallen, of this outbreak on the part of Jack, for whom he had
really begun to conceive a sort of sneaking kindness; but knowing of old
his fantastical and melancholic turn, he attributed this sally rather to
the state of his bowels, which at all times he exceedingly neglected,
and which, being puffed up with flatulency and indigestion to an
extraordinary degree, not unfrequently acted upon his brain--generating
therein strange conceits and dangerous hallucinations--than to any
settled intention on Jack's part to pick a quarrel with him or evade
performance of the conditions of their indenture, so long as he was not
under the influence of hypochondria. And having this notion as to Jack's
motives, and knowing nothing of the private confab at the village
lawyer's, he could not help believing that, by a brisk course of
purgatives and an antiphlogistic treatment--and without resorting to a
strait-waistcoat, which many who knew Jack's pranks at once recommended
him to adopt--he might be cured of those acrid and intoxicating vapours,
which, ascending into the brain, led him into such extravagant vagaries.
"I'faith," said the Squire, "since the poor man has taken this mad fancy
into his head as to the terms of his bargain, the best way to restore
him to his senses is to bring the matter, as he himself seemed to desire
it, before the Justices of the Peace at once: 'Tis a hundred to one but
he will have come to his senses long before they have come to a
decision; at all events, unless he is madder than I take him to be, when
he finds how plain the terms of the indenture are, he will surely submit
with a good grace.'"

So thought the Squire; and, accordingly, by his direction, the
usher-elect brought his case before the Justices at their next sittings,
who forthwith summoned Jack before them to know why he refused
performance of his contract with the Squire. Jack came on the day
appointed, attended by the attorney--though for that matter he might
have safely left him behind, being fully as much master of all
equivocation or chicanery as if he had never handled anything but quills
and quirks from his youth upward. This, indeed, was probably the effect
of his old training in Peter's family, for whose hairsplitting
distinctions and Jesuistical casuistries, notwithstanding his dislike to
the man himself, he had a certain admiration, founded on a secret
affinity of nature. Indeed it was wonderful to observe how, with all
Jack's hatred to Peter, real or pretended, he took after him in so many
points--insomuch that at times, their look, voice, manner, and way of
thinking, were so closely alike, that those who knew them best might
very well have mistaken them for each other. The usher having produced
the Squire's copy of the indenture, pointed out the clause by which Jack
became bound to examine and admit to the schools on North Farm any
qualified usher whom the Squire might send--as the condition on which he
was to retain his right to the tabernacle and his own mansion upon the
Farm--at the same time showing Jack's seal and signature at the bottom
of the deed. Jack, being called upon by the justices to show cause,
pulled out of his pocket an old memorandum-book--very greasy, musty, and
ill-flavoured--and which, from the quantity of dust and cobwebs with
which it was overlaid, had obviously been lying on the shelf for half a
century at least. This he placed in the hands of his friend Snacks the
attorney, pointing out to him a page or two which he had marked with his
thumb nail, as appropriate to the matter in hand. And there, to be sure,
was to be found, among a quantity of other nostrums, recipes, cooking
receipts, prescriptions, and omnium-gatherums of all kinds, an entry to
this effect:--"That no ushere be yntruded intoe anie schoole against ye
wille of ye schooleboys in schoole-roome assembled." Whereupon the
attorney maintained, that, as this memorandum-book of Jack's was plainly
of older date than the indenture, and had evidently been seen by the
Squire at or prior to the time of signing, as appeared from some of the
entries which it contained being incorporated in the deed, it must be
presumed, that its whole contents, though not to be found in the
indenture _per expressum_, or _totidem verbis_, were yet included
therein _implicitly_, or in a latent form, inasmuch as they were not
_per expressum_ excluded therefrom;--this being, as you will recollect,
precisely the argument which Jack had borrowed from Peter, when the
latter construed their father's will in the question as to the
lawfulness of their wearing shoulder-knots; and very much of the same
kind with that celebrated thesis which Peter afterwards maintained in
the matter of the brown loaf. And though he was obliged to admit (what
indeed from the very look of the book he could not well dispute) that no
such rule had ever been known or acted upon--and on the contrary that
Jack, until this last occasion, had always admitted the Squire's ushers
without objection whatsoever; yet he contended vehemently, that now that
his conscience was awakened on the subject, the past must be laid out of
view; and that the old memorandum-book, as part and parcel of the
indenture itself, must receive effect; and farther, that whether he,
Jack, was right or wrong in this matter, the Justices had no right to
interfere with them.

But the Justices, on looking into this antiquated document, found that,
besides this notandum, the memorandum-book contained a number of other
entries of a very extraordinary kind--such, for instance, as that Martin
was no better than he should be, and ought to be put down speedily: that
Squire Bull had no more right to nominate ushers than he had to be Khan
of Tartary: that that right belonged exclusively to Jack himself, or to
the schoolboys under Jack's control and direction: that Jack was to have
the sole right of laying down rules for his own government, and of
enforcing them against himself by the necessary compulsitors, if the
case should arise; thus, that Jack should have full powers to censure,
fine, punish, flog, flay, banish, imprison, or set himself in the stocks
as often as he should think fit; but that whether Jack did right or
wrong, in any given case, Jack was himself to be the sole judge, and
neither Squire Bull nor any of his Justices of the Peace was to have one
word to say to him or his proceedings in the matter: on the contrary,
that any such interference on their part, was to be regarded as a high
grievance and misdemeanour on their part, for which Jack was to be
entitled at the least to read them a lecture from the writing-desk, and
shut the schoolroom door in their own or their children's face.

There were many other whimsical and extravagant things contained in this
private note-book, so much so, that it was evident no man in his senses
could ever have intended to make them part of his bargain with Jack. But
the matter was put beyond a doubt by the usher producing the original
draft of the indenture, on which some of these crotchets, including this
fancy about the right of the schoolboys to reject the usher if they did
not like him, had been _interlined_ in Jack's hand: but all of which the
Squire, on revising the deed, had scored out with his own pen, adding in
the margin, opposite to the very passage, the words, in italics--"_See
him damned first.--J.B._" And as it could not be disputed that Jack and
the Squire ultimately subscribed the deed, omitting all this
nonsense--the Justices had no hesitation in holding, that Jack's private
memorandum-book, even if he had always carried it in his breeches
pocket, and quoted it on all occasions, instead of leaving it--as it was
plain he had done--for many a long year, in some forgotten corner of his
trunk or lumber-room, could no more affect the construction of the
indenture between himself and Squire, or afford him any defence against
performance of his part of that indenture, than if he had founded on the
statutes of Prester John, on the laws of Hum-Bug, Fee-Faw-Fum, or any
other Emperor of China for the time being. And so, after hearing very
deliberately all that the attorney for Jack had to say to the contrary,
they decided that Jack must forthwith proceed to examine the usher, and
give him possession, if qualified, of the schoolhouse and other
appurtenances; or else make up his mind to a thundering action of
damages if he did not.

The Justices thought that Jack, on hearing the case fairly stated, and
their opinion given against him, with a long string of cases in point,
would yield, and give the usher possession in the usual way; but no: no
sooner was the sentence written out than Jack entered an appeal to the
Quarter-sessions. There the whole matter was heard over again, at great
length, before a full bench; but after Jack and his attorney had spoken
till they were tired, the Quarter-sessions, without a moment's
hesitation, confirmed the sentence of the Justices, with costs.

Jack, who had blustered exceedingly as to his chances of bamboozling the
Quarter-sessions, and quashing the sentence of the Justices, looked
certainly not a little discomfited at the result of his appeal. For some
days after, he was observed to walk about looking gloomy and
disheartened, and was heard to say to some of his family, that he began
to think matters had really gone too far between him and his good friend
the Squire, to whom he owed his bread; that, on second thoughts, he
would give up the point about intruding ushers on the schools, and see
whether the Squire might not be prevailed on to arrange matters on an
amicable footing; and that he would take an opportunity, the next time
he had an assembly at his house, of consulting his friends on the
subject. And had Jack stuck to this resolution, there is little doubt
that, by some device or other, he would have gained all he wanted; for
the Squire, being an easy, good-natured man, and wishing really to do
his duty in the matter of the ushership, would probably, if Jack had
yielded in this instance with a good grace, have probably allowed him in
the end to have things very much his own way. But to the surprise of
everybody, the next time Jack had a party of friends with him, he rose
up, and putting on that peculiarly sanctimonious expression which his
countenance generally assumed when he had a mind to confuse and mystify
his auditors by a string of enigmas and Jesuitical reservations, made a
long, unintelligible, and inconsistent harangue, the drift of which no
one could well understand, except that it bore that "both the Justices
and the Quarter-sessions were a set of ignoramuses who could not
understand a word of Jack's contract, and knew nothing of black-letter
whatever; but that, nevertheless, as they had decided against him, he,
as a loyal subject, must and would submit;--not, however, that he had
the least idea of taking the Squire's usher, or any other usher
whatsoever, on trials, contrary to the schoolboys' wishes; _that_, he
begged to say, he would never hear of:--still he would obey the law by
laying no claim himself to the usher's salary, nor interfering with the
usher's drawing it; and yet that he could not exactly answer for others
not doing so;"--Jack knowing all the time, that, claim as he might, he
himself had no more right to the salary than to the throne of the
Celestial Empire; while, on the other hand, by locking up the
schoolroom, and keeping the key in his pocket, he had rendered it
impossible for the poor wight of an usher to recover one penny of
it--the legal condition of his doing so being his actual possession of
the schoolhouse itself, of which Jack, by this last manoeuvre, had
contrived to deprive him. But, as if to finish the matter, and to prove
the knavish spirit in which this protestation was made, he instantly got
a _private_ friend and relative of his own, with whom the whole scheme
had been arranged beforehand, to come forward and bring an action on the
case, in which the latter claimed the whole fund which would have
belonged to the unlucky usher--in terms, as he said, of some old
arrangement made by the Squire's predecessor as to school-salaries
during vacancy; to be applied, as the writ very coolly stated it, "for
behoof of Jack's destitute widow, in the event of his decease, and of
his numerous and indigent family."

Many of Jack's own family, who were present on this occasion,
remonstrated with him on the subject, foreseeing that if he went on as
he had begun and threatened to proceed, he must soon come to a rupture
with the Squire, which could end in nothing else than his being turned
out of house and hall, and thrown adrift upon the wide world, without a
penny in his pocket. But the majority--who were puffed up with more than
Jack's own madness and had a notion that by sheer boldness and bullying
on their part, the Squire would, after a time, be sure to give way,
encouraged Jack to go on at all hazards, and not to retract a hair's
breadth in his demands. And Jack, who had now become mischievously
crazed on the subject, and began to be as arrogant and conceited of his
own power and authority, as ever my Lord Peter had been in his proudest
and most pestilential days, was not slow to follow their advice.

'Twas of no consequence that a friend of the Squire's, who had known
Jack long, and had really a great kindness towards him, tried to bring
about an arrangement between him and the Squire upon very handsome
terms. He had a meeting with Jack;--at which he talked the matter over
in a friendly way--telling him that though the Squire must reserve in
his own hands the nomination of his own ushers, he had always been
perfectly willing to listen to reason in any objections that might be
taken to them; only some reason he must have, were it only that Jack
could not abide the sight of a red-nosed usher:--let that reason, such
as it was, be put on paper, and he would consider of it; and if, from
any peculiar idiosyncracy in Jack's temperament and constitution, he
found that his antipathy to red noses was unsuperable, probably he would
not insist on filling up the vacancy with a nose of that colour. Jack,
who was always more rational when alone than when he had got the
attorney and the more frantic members of his family at his elbow,
acknowledged, as he well might, that all this seemed very reasonable;
and that he really thought that on these terms the Squire and he would
have little difficulty in coming to an agreement. So they parted,
leaving the Squire's friend under the impression that all was right, and
that he had only to get an agreement to that effect drawn out, signed
and sealed by the parties.

Next morning, however, he received a letter by the penny-post, written
no doubt in Jack's hand, but obviously dictated by the attorney, in
these terms:--

"Honoured Sir--Lest there should be any misconception between
us as to our yesterday's conversation, I have put into writing
the substance of what was agreed on between us, which I
understand to be this: that there shall be no let or impediment
to the Squire's full and absolute right of naming an usher in
all cases of vacancy; that I shall have an equally full right
to object to the said usher for any reasons that may be
satisfactory to myself, and thereupon to exclude him from the
school; leaving it to the Squire, if he pleases, to send
another, whom I shall have the right of handling in the same
fashion, with this further proviso, that if the Squire does not
fill up the office to my satisfaction within half-a-year, I
shall be entitled to take the appointment into my own hands. I
need hardly add that no Justices of the Peace are to take
cognizance of anything done by me in the matter, be it good,
bad, or indifferent. Hoping that this statement of our mutual
views will be found correct and satisfactory--I remain, your
humble servant,

"JACK."

The moment the Squire's friend perused this missive, he saw plainly that
all hope of bringing Jack to his senses was at an end; and that under
the advice of evil counsellors, lunatic friends, and lewd fellows of the
baser sort, Jack would shortly bring himself and his family to utter
ruin.

And now, as might be expected, Jack's disorder, which had hitherto been
comparatively of the calm and melancholy kind, broke out into the most
violent and phrenetic exhibitions. He sometimes raved incoherently, for
hours together, against the Squire; often, in the midst of his speeches,
he was assailed with epileptic fits, during which he displayed the
strangest contortions and most laughable gestures; he threw entirely
aside the decent coat he had worn for some time back, and habitually
attired himself in the old and threadbare raiment, which he had worn
after he and Martin had been so unceremoniously sent to the right-about
by Lord Peter, and even ran about the streets with his band tied round
his peaked beaver, bearing thereon the motto--"_Nemo me impune
lacessit_." If his madness had only led him to make a spectacle and
laughing-stock of himself, by these wild vagaries and mountebank
exhibitions, all had been well, but this did not satisfy Jack; his old
disposition for a riot had returned, and a riot, right or wrong, he was
determined to have. So he set to work to frighten the women of the
village with stories, as to the monsters whom the Squire would send
among them as ushers, who would do nothing but teach their children
drinking, chuck-farthing, and cock-fighting; to the schoolboys
themselves, talked of the length, breadth, and thickness, of the usher's
birch, which he assured them was dipped in vinegar every evening, in
order to afford a more agreeable stimulus to the part affected; he plied
them with halfpence and strong beer; exhorted them to insurrections and
barrings-out; taught them how to mock at any usher who would not submit
to be Jack's humble servant; and by gibes and scurril ballads, which he
would publish in the newspapers, try to make his life a burden to him.
He also instructed them how best to stick darts into his wig, cover his
back with spittle, fill his pockets with crackers, burn assafoetida in
the fire, extinguish the candles with fulminating powder, or blow up the
writing-desk by a train of combustibles. Above all, he counselled the
urchins to stand firm the next time that John sent an usher down to that
quarter, and vehemently to protest for the doctrine of election as to
their own usher, and reprobation as to the Squire's; assuring them, that
provided they took his advice, and followed the plan which he would
afterwards impart to them in confidence at the proper time, he could
almost take it upon himself to say, that in a short time, no tyrannical
usher, or cast-off tutor of the Squire, should venture to show his face,
with or without tawse or ferule, within the boundaries of North Farm.

It was not long before an opportunity offered of putting these precious
schemes in practice; for shortly afterwards, the old usher of a school
on the northermost boundary of the North Farm estates having died, the
ushership became vacant, and John, as usual, appointed a successor in
his room. Being warned this time by what had taken place on the last
occasion, the Squire took care to apply beforehand to the Justices of
the Peace--got a peremptory _mandamus_ from them, directing Jack to
proceed forthwith, and, after the usual trials, to put the usher in
possession of the schoolhouse by legal form, and without re-regard to
any protest or interruption from any or all of the schoolboys put
together. So down the usher proceeded, accompanied by a posse of
constables and policemen of various divisions, till they arrived at the
schoolhouse, which lay adjacent to the churchyard, and then demanded
admittance. It happened that in this quarter resided some of Jack's
family, who, as we have already mentioned, differed from him entirely,
thinking him totally wrong in the contest with the Squire and being
completely satisfied that all his glosses upon his contract were either
miserable quibbles or mere hallucinations, and that it was his duty, so
long as he ate John's bread, and slept under John's roof, to perform
fairly the obligations he had come under:--and so, on reading the
Justices' warrant, which required them, on pain of being set in the
stocks, and forfeiture of two shillings and sixpence of penalty, besides
costs, to give immediate possession to the Squire's usher, they at once
resolved to obey, called for the key of the schoolhouse, and proceeded
to the door, accompanied by the usher and the authorities, for the
purpose of complying with the warrant and admitting the usher as in
times past. But on arriving there, never was there witnessed such a
scene of confusion. The churchyard was crowded with ragamuffins of every
kind, from all the neighbouring parishes; scarcely was there a sot or
deboshed fellow within the district who had not either come himself or
found a substitute; gipsies, beggarwomen, and thimbleriggers were thick
as blackberries; while Jack himself--who, upon hearing of what was going
forward, had come down by the night coach with all expedition--was
standing on a tombstone near the doorway, and holding forth to the whole
bevy of rascals whom he had assembled about him. It was evident from his
tones and gestures that Jack had been exciting the mob in every possible
way; but as the justices and the constables drew near, he changed the
form of his countenance, pulled a psalm-book out of his pocket, and,
with much sanctity and appearance of calmness, gave out the tune; in
which the miscellaneous assemblage around him joined, with similar
unction and devotion. When the procession reached the door, they found
the whole inside of the schoolhouse already packed with urchins and
blackguards of all kinds, who, having previously gained admission by the
window, had forcibly barricaded the door against the constables, being
assisted in the defence thereof by the mob without, who formed a double
line, and kept hustling the poor usher and the constables from side to
side, helping themselves to a purse or two in passing, and calling out
at the same time, "take care of pickpockets"--occasionally amusing
themselves also by playfully smashing the beaver of some of the justices
of the peace over their face, to the tune of "all round my hat," sung in
chorus, on the Mainzerian system, amidst peals of laughter.

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