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In the meantime, you would fain be nibbling at a parallel betwixt this
association, and that in the time of Queen Elizabeth. But there is this
small difference betwixt them, that the ends of the one are directly
opposite to the other: one with the Queen's approbation and
conjunction, as head of it; the other, without either the consent or
knowledge of the King, against whose authority it is manifestly
design'd. Therefore you do well to have recourse to your last evasion,
that it was contriv'd by your enemies, and shuffled into the papers
that were seized; which yet you see the nation is not so easy to
believe, as your own jury. But the matter is not difficult, to find
twelve men in Newgate, who would acquit a malefactor.

I have one only favour to desire of you at parting; that, when you
think of answering this poem, you would employ the same pens against
it, who have combated with so much success against Absalom and
Achitophel: for then you may assure yourselves of a clear victory,
without the least reply. Rail at me abundantly; and, not to break a
custom, do it without wit. By this method you will gain a considerable
point, which is, wholly to waive the answer of my argument. Never own
the bottom of your principles, for fear they should be treason. Fall
severely on the miscarriages of Government; for if scandal be not
allowed, you are no free-born subjects. If GOD has not blessed you with
the talent of rhyming, make use of my poor stock and welcome; let your
verses run upon my feet: and for the utmost refuge of notorious
blockheads, reduced to the last extremity of sense, turn my own lines
upon me, and, in utter despair of your own satire, make me satirize
myself. Some of you have been driven to this bay already; but above all
the rest, commend me to the Non-conformist parson, who writ _The Whip
and Key_. I am afraid it is not read so much as the piece deserves,
because the bookseller is every week crying Help, at the end of his
Gazette, to get it off. You see I am charitable enough to do him a
kindness, that it may be published as well as printed; and that so much
skill in Hebrew derivations may not lie for waste-paper in the shop.
Yet I half suspect he went no farther for his learning, than the index
of Hebrew names and etymologies, which is printed at the end of some
English bibles. If Achitophel signify the brother of a fool, the author
of that poem will pass with his readers for the next of kin. And,
perhaps, 'tis the relation that makes the kindness. Whatever the verses
are, buy them up, I beseech you, out of pity; for I hear the
conventicle is shut up, and the brother of Achitophel out of service.

Now footmen, you know, have the generosity to make a purse, for a
member of their society, who has had his livery pulled over his ears:
and even Protestant flocks are brought up among you, out of veneration
to the name. A dissenter in poetry from sense and English, will make as
good a Protestant rhymer, as a dissenter from the Church of England a
Protestant parson. Besides, if you encourage a young beginner, who
knows but he may elevate his style a little, above the vulgar epithets
of profane and saucy Jack, and atheistic scribbler, with which he
treats me, when the fit of enthusiasm is strong upon him? By which
well-manner'd and charitable expressions, I was certain of his sect,
before I knew his name. What would you have more of a man? He has
damned me in your cause from Genesis to the Revelations; and has half
the texts of both the Testaments against me, if you will be so civil to
yourselves as to take him for your interpreter, and not to take them
for Irish witnesses. After all, perhaps, you will tell me, that you
retained him only for the opening of your cause, and that your main
lawyer is yet behind. Now, if it so happen he meet with no more reply
than his predecessors, you may either conclude, that I trust to the
goodness of my cause, or fear my adversary, or disdain him, or what you
please; for the short on it is, it is indifferent to your humble
servant, whatever your party says or thinks of him.




DANIEL DEFOE.

(1661-1734)


XXI. INTRODUCTION TO THE TRUE-BORN ENGLISHMAN.

"The True-born Englishman" was a metrical satire designed to defend
the king, William III., against the attacks made upon him over the
admission of foreigners into public offices and posts of
responsibility.


Speak, satire; for there's none can tell like thee
Whether 'tis folly, pride, or knavery
That makes this discontented land appear
Less happy now in times of peace than war?
Why civil feuds disturb the nation more
Than all our bloody wars have done before?
Fools out of favour grudge at knaves in place,
And men are always honest in disgrace;
The court preferments make men knaves in course,
But they which would be in them would be worse.
'Tis not at foreigners that we repine,
Would foreigners their perquisites resign:
The grand contention's plainly to be seen,
To get some men put out, and some put in.
For this our senators make long harangues,
And florid members whet their polished tongues.
Statesmen are always sick of one disease,
And a good pension gives them present ease:
That's the specific makes them all content
With any king and any government.
Good patriots at court abuses rail,
And all the nation's grievances bewail;
But when the sovereign's balsam's once applied,
The zealot never fails to change his side;
And when he must the golden key resign,
The railing spirit comes about again.
Who shall this bubbled nation disabuse,
While they their own felicities refuse,
Who the wars have made such mighty pother,
And now are falling out with one another:
With needless fears the jealous nation fill,
And always have been saved against their will:
Who fifty millions sterling have disbursed,
To be with peace and too much plenty cursed:
Who their old monarch eagerly undo,
And yet uneasily obey the new?
Search, satire, search; a deep incision make;
The poison's strong, the antidote's too weak.
'Tis pointed truth must manage this dispute,
And downright English, Englishmen confute.
Whet thy just anger at the nation's pride,
And with keen phrase repel the vicious tide;
To Englishmen their own beginnings show,
And ask them why they slight their neighbours so.
Go back to elder times and ages past,
And nations into long oblivion cast;
To old Britannia's youthful days retire,
And there for true-born Englishmen inquire.
Britannia freely will disown the name,
And hardly knows herself from whence they came:
Wonders that they of all men should pretend
To birth and blood, and for a name contend.
Go back to causes where our follies dwell,
And fetch the dark original from hell:
Speak, satire, for there's none like thee can tell.




THE EARL OF DORSET.

(1637-1705.)


XXII. SATIRE ON A CONCEITED PLAYWRIGHT.

The person against whom this attack was directed was Edward Howard,
author of _The British Princess_.


Thou damn'd antipodes to common-sense,
Thou foil to Flecknoe, pr'ythee tell from whence
Does all this mighty stock of dulness spring?
Is it thy own, or hast it from Snow-hill,
Assisted by some ballad-making quill?
No, they fly higher yet, thy plays are such,
I'd swear they were translated out of Dutch.
Fain would I know what diet thou dost keep,
If thou dost always, or dost never sleep?
Sure hasty-pudding is thy chiefest dish,
With bullock's liver, or some stinking fish:
Garbage, ox-cheeks, and tripes, do feast thy brain,
Which nobly pays this tribute back again.
With daisy-roots thy dwarfish Muse is fed,
A giant's body with a pigmy's head.
Canst thou not find, among thy numerous race
Of kindred, one to tell thee that thy plays
Are laught at by the pit, box, galleries, nay, stage?
Think on't a while, and thou wilt quickly find
Thy body made for labour, not thy mind.
No other use of paper thou shouldst make
Than carrying loads and reams upon thy back.
Carry vast burdens till thy shoulders shrink,
But curst be he that gives thee pen and ink:
Such dangerous weapons should be kept from fools,
As nurses from their children keep edg'd tools:
For thy dull fancy a muckinder is fit
To wipe the slobberings of thy snotty wit:
And though 'tis late, if justice could be found,
Thy plays like blind-born puppies should be drown'd.
For were it not that we respect afford
Unto the son of an heroic lord,
Thine in the ducking-stool should take her seat,
Drest like herself in a great chair of state;
Where like a Muse of quality she'd die,
And thou thyself shalt make her elegy,
In the same strain thou writ'st thy comedy.




JOHN ARBUTHNOT.

(1667-1735.)


XXIII. PREFACE TO JOHN BULL AND HIS LAW-SUIT.

First published as a political pamphlet, this piece had an
extraordinary run of popularity. It was originally issued in four
parts, but these afterwards were reduced to two, without any
omission, however, of matter. They appeared during the years
1712-13, and the satire was finally published in book form in 1714.
The author was the intimate friend of Swift, Pope, and Gay. The
volume was exceedingly popular in Tory circles. The examples I have
selected are "The Preface" and also the opening chapters of the
history, which I have made to run on without breaking them up into
the short divisions of the text.


When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John Bull,
he expressed himself to this purpose: "Sir Humphrey Polesworth[166], I
know you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I have chosen you
for this important trust; speak the truth and spare not". That I might
fulfil those his honourable intentions, I obtained leave to repair to,
and attend him in his most secret retirements; and I put the journals
of all transactions into a strong box, to be opened at a fitting
occasion, after the manner of the historiographers of some eastern
monarchs: this I thought was the safest way; though I declare I was
never afraid to be chopped[167] by my master for telling of truth. It
is from those journals that my memoirs are compiled: therefore let not
posterity a thousand years hence look for truth in the voluminous
annals of pedants, who are entirely ignorant of the secret springs of
great actions; if they do, let me tell them they will be nebused.[168]

With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several beauties
of the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper of
Herodotus, the gravity, austerity, and strict morals of Thucydides, the
extensive knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and grandeur of Titus
Livius; and to avoid the careless style of Polybius, I have borrowed
considerable ornaments from Dionysius Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus
Siculus. The specious gilding of Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun.
Mariana, Davila, and Fra. Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I
thought most worthy of imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as
not to own the infinite obligations I have to the _Pilgrim's Progress_
of John Bunyan, and the _Tenter Belly_ of the Reverend Joseph Hall.

From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a degree
of perfection I might have brought this great work, had it not been
nipped in the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses of
Parliament, who envying the great figure I was to make in future ages,
under pretence of raising money for the war,[169] have padlocked all
those very pens that were to celebrate the actions of their heroes, by
silencing at once the whole university of Grub Street. I am persuaded
that nothing but the prospect of an approaching peace could have
encouraged them to make so bold a step. But suffer me, in the name of
the rest of the matriculates of that famous university, to ask them
some plain questions: Do they think that peace will bring along with it
the golden age? Will there be never a dying speech of a traitor? Are
Cethegus and Catiline turned so tame, that there will be no opportunity
to cry about the streets, "A Dangerous Plot"? Will peace bring such
plenty that no gentleman will have occasion to go upon the highway, or
break into a house? I am sorry that the world should be so much imposed
upon by the dreams of a false prophet, as to imagine the Millennium is
at hand. O Grub Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering geniuses! How
do I lament thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated by any who
meant well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal thy
glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of pampered
apprentices and coy cook-maids; or mournful ditties of departing
lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice, to record the
stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal scalade of needy
heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens, describing the powerful
Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret caverns and grottoes of
Vulcan sweating at his forge, and stamping the queen's image on viler
metals which he retails for beef and pots of ale; or if thou wert
content in simple narrative, to relate the cruel acts of implacable
revenge, or the complaint of ravished virgins blushing to tell their
adventures before the listening crowd of city damsels, whilst in thy
faithful history thou intermingledst the gravest counsels and the
purest morals. Nor less acute and piercing wert thou in thy search and
pompous descriptions of the works of nature; whether in proper and
emphatic terms thou didst paint the blazing comet's fiery tail, the
stupendous force of dreadful thunder and earthquakes, and the
unrelenting inundations. Sometimes, with Machiavelian sagacity, thou
unravelledst intrigues of state, and the traitorous conspiracies of
rebels, giving wise counsel to monarchs. How didst thou move our terror
and our pity with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch and the
heroes of the Old Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid march
up Holborn Hill? Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological capacity,
when thou gavest ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst record the
guilty pangs of Sabbath-breakers. How will the noble arts of John
Overton's[170] painting and sculpture now languish? where rich
invention, proper expression, correct design, divine attitudes, and
artful contrast, heightened with the beauties of clar. obscur.,
embellished thy celebrated pieces, to the delight and astonishment of
the judicious multitude! Adieu, persuasive eloquence! the quaint
metaphor, the poignant irony, the proper epithet, and the lively
simile, are fled for ever! Instead of these, we shall have, I know not
what! The illiterate will tell the rest with pleasure.

I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of condolence
to my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching barbarity
that is likely to overspread all its regions by this oppressive and
exorbitant tax. It has been my good fortune to receive my education
there; and so long as I preserved some figure and rank amongst the
learned of that society, I scorned to take my degree either at Utrecht
or Leyden, though I was offered it gratis by the professors in those
universities.

And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent a
history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the subject
of its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned of future
times, that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of France, and
Philip, his grandson, of Spain; when England and Holland, in
conjunction with the Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war against
these two princes, which lasted ten years under the management of the
Duke of Marlborough, and was put to a conclusion by the Treaty of
Utrecht, under the ministry of the Earl of Oxford, in the year 1713.

Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the
personages mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author would
never own. Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and
curiosity, I have printed at the bottom of the page the supposed
allusions of the most obscure parts of the story.

[Footnote 166: A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in
his conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book.]

[Footnote 167: A cant word of Sir Humphrey's.]

[Footnote 168: Another cant word, signifying deceived.]

[Footnote 169: Act restraining the liberty of the press, &c.]

[Footnote 170: The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers.]



XXIV. THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL.

The Occasion of the Law-suit.


I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our
neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt[171]; how the
parson[172] and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon
his cousin Philip Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin
Esquire South. Some stick not to say that the parson and the attorney
forged a will; for which they were well paid by the family of the
Baboons. Let that be as it will, it is matter of fact that the honour
and estate have continued ever since in the person of Philip Baboon.

You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of a
very great landed estate, well-conditioned, wooded, watered, with coal,
salt, tin, copper, iron, &c., all within themselves; that it has been
the misfortune of that family to be the property of their stewards,
tradesmen, and inferior servants, which has brought great incumbrances
upon them; at the same time, their not abating of their expensive way
of living has forced them to mortgage their best manors. It is credibly
reported that the butcher's and baker's bill of a Lord Strutt that
lived two hundred years ago are not yet paid.

When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's
estate, his tradesmen,[173] as is usual upon such occasion, waited upon
him to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John
Bull,[174] the clothier, and Nic. Frog,[175] the linen-draper. They
told him that the Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with
drapery-ware for many years; that they were honest and fair dealers;
that their bills had never been questioned, that the Lord Strutts lived
generously, and never used to dirty their fingers with pen, ink, and
counters; that his lordship might depend upon their honesty that they
would use him as kindly as they had done his predecessors. The young
lord seemed to take all in good part, and dismissed them with a deal of
seeming content, assuring them he did not intend to change any of the
honourable maxims of his predecessors.



How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt intended to
give all his custom to his grandfather, Lewis Baboon.


It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that
this young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it,
a false loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a
Jack-of-all-Trades.[176] Sometimes you would see him behind his
counter selling broadcloth, sometimes measuring linen; next day he
would be dealing in mercery-ware. High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans,
and lace he understood to a nicety. Charles Mather could not bubble a
young beau better with a toy; nay, he would descend even to the selling
of tape, garters, and shoe-buckles. When shop was shut up he would go
about the neighbourhood and earn half-a-crown by teaching the young men
and maids to dance. By these methods he had acquired immense riches,
which he used to squander[177] away at back-sword, quarter-staff, and
cudgel-play, in which he took great pleasure, and challenged all the
country. You will say it is no wonder if Bull and Frog should be
jealous of this fellow. "It is not impossible," says Frog to Bull, "but
this old rogue will take the management of the young lord's business
into his hands; besides, the rascal has good ware, and will serve him
as cheap as anybody. In that case, I leave you to judge what must
become of us and our families; we must starve, or turn journeyman to
old Lewis Baboon. Therefore, neighbour, I hold it advisable that we
write to young Lord Strutt to know the bottom of this matter."



A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt.


My Lord,--I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs
have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of drapery-ware time out of
mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your
lordship intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis Baboon,
this is to inform your lordship that this proceeding does not suit with
the circumstances of our families, who have lived and made a good
figure in the world by the generosity of the Lord Strutts. Therefore we
think fit to acquaint your lordship that you must find sufficient
security to us, our heirs, and assigns that you will not employ Lewis
Baboon, or else we will take our remedy at law, clap an action upon you
of L20,000 for old debts, seize and distrain your goods and chattels,
which, considering your lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into
difficulties, from which it will not be easy to extricate yourself.
Therefore we hope, when your lordship has better considered on it, you
will comply with the desire of

Your loving friends,

JOHN BULL.
NIC. FROG.


Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the
young lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible to
express the surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this
letter. He was not flush in ready money either to go to law or clear
old debts, neither could he find good bail. He offered to bring matters
to a friendly accommodation, and promised, upon his word of honour,
that he would not change his drapers; but all to no purpose, for Bull
and Frog saw clearly that old Lewis would have the cheating of him.



How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about the premises,
and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen.


All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers
proved vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured abroad
that Lord Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis Baboon. This
coming to Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home, he found all his
family in an uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was very apt to be
choleric. "You sot," says she, "you loiter about ale-houses and
taverns, spend your time at billiards, ninepins, or puppet-shows, or
flaunt about the streets in your new gilt chariot, never minding me nor
your numerous family. Don't you hear how Lord Strutt has bespoke his
liveries at Lewis Baboon's shop? Don't you see how that old fox steals
away your customers, and turns you out of your business every day, and
you sit like an idle drone, with your hands in your pockets? Fie upon
it. Up, man, rouse thyself; I'll sell to my shift before I'll be so
used by that knave."[178] You must think Mrs. Bull had been pretty well
tuned up by Frog, who chimed in with her learned harangue. No further
delay now, but to counsel learned in the law they go, who unanimously
assured them both of justice and infallible success of their lawsuit.

I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a
Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as
well as Bull and Frog; they, hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an
opportunity of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull and
Frog would bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the
chimney-sweeper of Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in their
claims, and the cause was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus, the
attorney.

A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted
right by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there
were several old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had taken
up the trade of clothier and draper without serving his time or
purchasing his freedom; that he sold goods that were not marketable
without the stamp; that he himself was more fit for a bully than a
tradesman, and went about through all the country fairs challenging
people to fight prizes, wrestling and cudgel-play, and abundance more
to this purpose".



The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.[179]


For the better understanding the following history the reader ought to
know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow,
choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old
Lewis either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but then
he was very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if they
pretended to govern him. If you flattered him you might lead him like a
child. John's temper depended very much upon the air; his spirits rose
and fell with the weather-glass. John was quick, and understood his
business very well, but no man alive was more careless in looking into
his accounts, or more cheated by partners, apprentices, and servants.
This was occasioned by his being a boon companion, loving his bottle
and his diversion; for, to say truth, no man kept a better house than
John, nor spent his money more generously. By plain and fair dealing
John had acquired some plums, and might have kept them had it not been
for his unhappy lawsuit.

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