Book: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 20, 1892
V >>
Various >> Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 20, 1892
THOMAS, I adore thee!--
"THOMAS" _is_ thy name,
Isn't it?--the more the
Scandal and the shame!
All I ask you, TOM, is
Just one loving line,
One type-written promise
Publishing you mine.
Matrimony's heart is
Houselike, "half-detached,"
Seldom save at parties
Or in papers matched--
Answer "Yes," or break'll
This poor heart of mine.
Be my _Fin-de-Siecle_,
Be my Valentine!
* * * * *
QUERY BY A DEPRESSED CONVALESCENT.--"This Influenza is nothing new,
nor is the Microbe. Wasn't MICROBIUS an ancient classic writer? Didn't
he treat this subject historically? There's evidently some confusion
of ideas somewhere. As _Hamlet_ says:--
'O, cursed spite
That ever I was born to set it right.'
But I beg pardon, that 'set it right' shows that _Hamlet_ was a
Surgeon, not a Physician. Excuse me. 'To bed! To bed!'"
* * * * *
SAD THOUGHT IN MY OWN LIBRARY.--I am a stranger among books. Resting
on their shelves, they all turn their backs on me. _En revanche_, if I
find among them a new one, a perfect stranger to me, I cut him.
* * * * *
[Illustration: TRUE HOSPITALITY.
(_Sir Bonamy Croesus gives seven Dinner Parties a week, and expects
his Friends to come and choose their own day, and inscribe their Names
and the Date on the Dinner-Book in the Hall_.)
_Fair Visitor_. "Look, George! Wednesday, the 17th, the Fetterbys
are coming. That'll do capitally!" (_Writes down "Mr. and Mrs. Topham
Sawyer, Feb. 17th."_) "And There's room for one more. Let's drive
round to Emily's, and get her to come and put her Name down for the
same Day!"]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday, February 8_.--The coming of Prince ARTHUR
anxiously looked for as Members gathered for last Session of a
memorable Parliament. When, in August last, he, with the rest of us,
went away, OLD MORALITY still sat in Leader's place. He was, truly,
just then absent in the flesh, already wasting with the dire disease
that carried him off. It was JOKIM who occupied the place of Leader;
Prince ARTHUR, content to sit lower down. It seemed to some that when
vacancy occurred JOKIM, that veteran Child of Promise, would step in,
and younger men wait their turn. But youth of certain quality must
come to the front, as BONAPARTE testified even before he went to
Italy, and as PITT showed when the Rockingham Administration went to
pieces.
Prince ARTHUR came in shortly after four o'clock. House full,
especially on Opposition Benches; faint blush suffused ingenuous cheek
as welcoming cheer arose. Seemed to know his way to Leader's place,
and took it naturally. Pretty to see JOKIM drop in on one side of
him with MATTHEWS on the other, buttressing him about with financial
reputation and legal erudition. _Tableau_ quite undesigned, but none
the less effective. Prince ARTHUR, young, hot-tempered and, though not
without parts, prone to commit errors of judgment. But with JOKIM at
his left shoulder, and HENRY MATTHEWS at his right, humble citizens
looking on from opposite Benches, felt a sweet content. On such a
basis, the Constitution might stand any blast.
In absence of Mr. G., who still dallies with the sunshine of Riviera,
SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, fresh from hunting in the New Forest, more than
fills the place of Leader of Opposition. A favourable opportunity for
distinguishing himself marred by accidental prevalence of funereal
associations.
"The Squire," said PLUNKET--watching him as, with legs reverently
crossed, and elbow sympathisingly resting on box, carefully
suggestive of life-sized figure of tombstone-mourner, he intoned his
lamentation--"is not fitted for the part, and consequently overdoes
it. _L'Allegro_ is his line. _Il Penseroso_ does not suit him."
Everyone glad when, sermon over, and the black-edged folios put aside,
the Squire began business. Happy enough in his attack on JOKIM, always
a telling subject in present House of Commons.
"He is," says SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, drawing upon his theatrical
experiences, "like the Policeman in the Pantomime; always safe for a
roar of laughter if you bonnet him or trip him up over the doorstep."
For the rest, as Prince ARTHUR pointed out when he came to reply,
Squire's speech had very little to do with the Address, on which
it was ostensibly based. Couldn't resist temptation of enlarging on
financial science for the edification of the unhappy JOKIM.
"Finance," observed DICKY TEMPLE, "is HARCOURT's foible."
"Yes," said JENNINGS, whom everyone is glad to see back in better
health, "and funeral sermons are his forte."
Through nearly hour and half the Squire mourned and jibed, Prince
ARTHUR listening attentively, all unconscious of the Shades hovering
about the historic seat in which he lounged, as nearly as possible,
at full length--OLD MORALITY, kindly generous, pleased in another's
prosperity; STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, marvelling at the madness of a world
he has not been loth to quit; DIZZY tickled with the whole situation,
though perhaps a little shocked to see a Leader of the House resting
apparently on his shoulder-blades in the seat where from 1874 to
1876 there posed an upright statuesque figure with folded arms and
mask-like face, lit up now and then by the gleam of eyes that saw
everything whilst they seemed to be looking no whither. PAM was there,
too, with slightly raised eyebrows as they fell on the youthful form
already installed in a place he had not reached till he was almost
twice the age of the newcomer. JOHNNY RUSSELL, scowled at the intruder
under a hat a-size-and-half too big for his legs. CANNING looked on,
and thought of his brief tenure of the same place whilst the
century was young. Still further in the shade PITT joined the group.
[Illustration: "THE COMING OF ARTHUR."
Shade of Pam. "H'M! A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THE PART,--DON'T YOU THINK?"
Shade of Dizzy. "WELL, YES! _WE_ HAD TO WAIT FOR IT A GOOD MANY
YEARS!--BUT I THINK HE'LL DO!!"]
"Well at least _he_ was even younger when he came to our place," PAM
whispered in DIZZY's ear, startling him as he inadvertently touched
his cheek with the straw he still seems to hold in his teeth, as he
did when JOHN LEECH was alive.
Prince ARTHUR, facing the crowded Opposition Benches, of course saw
nothing of this; lounged and listened smilingly as the Squire, having
shaken up JOKIM and his one-pound notes, went oft to Exeter to pummel
the MARKISS.
_Business done._--Address moved.
_Wednesday._--Evidently going to be an Agricultural Labourer's
Session. Small Holdings Bill put in forefront of Programme. District
Councils hinted at. In this situation it was stroke of genius, due I
believe to the MARKISS, that such happy selection was made of Mover of
Address.
"It's trifles that make up the mass, my dear nephew," the MARKISS
said, when this matter was being discussed in the Recess. "No detail
is so small that we can afford to omit it. It was a happy thought of
yours, perhaps a little too subtle for some intellects, to associate
CHAPLIN with Small Holdings. In this other matter, let me have my way.
Put up HODGE to move the Address. It will be worth 10,000 votes in the
agricultural districts. I suppose he wouldn't like to come down in
a smock frock with a whip in his hand? Don't know why he shouldn't;
quite as reasonable as a civilian getting himself up as a Colonel or
an Admiral. With HODGE in a smock frock moving the Address we'd sweep
the country. But that I must leave to you; only let us have HODGE."
So it was arranged. But Member for Accrington wouldn't stand the
smock-frock. Insisted upon coming out in war-like uniform. Trousers
a little tight about the knees, and jacket perhaps a trifle too
tasselly. But made very good speech in the circumstances.
[Illustration: Orator Hodge (in mufti).]
_Business done._--Bills brought in by the half hundred.
_Thursday Night._--Things been rather dull hitherto. House as it were
lying under a pall, "Every man," as O'HANLON says, "not knowing what
moment may be his next." Still on Debate on Address. When resumed
to-night, CHAMBERLAIN stepped into ring and took off his coat. When
Members saw the faithful JESSE bring in sponge and vinegar-bottle,
knew there would be some sport. Anticipation not disappointed. JOE in
fine fighting form. Went for the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD round after round;
occasionally turned to aim a "wonner" at his "Right Hon. Friend" JOHN
MORELY. Conservatives delighted; had always thought just what JOE
was saying, but hadn't managed to put their ideas into such easily
fleeting, barbed sentences. Only once was there any shade on the faces
of the country gentlemen opposite. That spread when JOE proposed to
quote the "lines of CHURCHILL."
"No, no," said Lord HENRY BRUCE in audible whisper, "he'd better leave
GRANDOLPH alone. Never knew he wrote poetry. If he did, there's lots
of others. Why, when we're going on so nicely, why drag in CHURCHILL?"
Depression only momentary. Conservative cheers rose again and again as
JOE, turning a mocking face, and shaking a minatory forefinger at the
passive monumental figure of the guileless SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, did,
as JOHN MORLEY, with rare outburst of anger, presently said, from his
place in the centre of the Liberal Camp, "denounce and assail Liberal
principles, Liberal measures, and his old Liberal colleagues."
After this it was nothing that, some hours later, O'HANLON, rising
from a Back Bench, and speaking on another turn of the Debate, should
observe, in loud voice, with eye fixed in fine frenzy on the nape of
the Squire's neck, as he sat on the Front Bench with folded arms, "I
do not believe in the Opposition Leaders, who have split up my Party,
and are now living on its blood."
_Business done._--JOSEPH turns and rends his Brethren.
_Friday Night._--In Commons night wasted by re-delivery of speeches
made last year by Irish Members pleading for amnesty for Dynamitards.
JOHN REDMOND began it. No Irish Member could afford to be off on
this scene, so one after another they trotted out their speeches of
yester-year.
Lords much more usefully occupied in discussing London Fog. MIDDLETON
moved for Royal Commission. MARKISS drew fine distinction. "What
you really want to remedy," he said, "is not the fog itself, but
its colour." Rather seemed to like the fog, _per se_, if only his
particular fancy in matter of colour gratified. Didn't mention what
colour he preferred; but fresh difficulty looming out of the fog
evident. Tastes differ. If every man is to have his own particular
coloured fog, our last state will be worse than the first.
_Business done._--None.
* * * * *
AN INFLUENZA SONG.
AIR--"_OH, WE'RE ALL NODDIN'._"
Oh, we've none coddlin',
Cod, cod, coddlin';
Oh, we've none coddlin'.
At our house at home!
Ha!--my Father has a cough--
Now--my Mother has a wheeze;
What!! my Brother has a pain
In forehead, arms, chest, back and knees.
So--we've three coddlin', &c.
How my eldest Sister aches
From her forehead to her toes!
And my second Brother's eyes
Are weeping either side his nose.
So--we've five coddlin', &c.
There's my eldest Brother down
With a pain all round his head,
Ah! I'm the only one who's up--
Oh!... Oh!... I'll go to bed!
So--we're all coddlin', &c.
As the Doctor orders Port,
Orders Burgundy, Champagne,
Good living and good drinking,
Why we none of us complain,
While we're--all coddlin',
Cod, cod, coddlin',
While we're all coddlin'
At our house at home!
* * * * *
BY A SMALL WESTERN.--Orientals take off their shoes on entering a
Mosque. We remove our hats on entering a Church. Both symbolical; one
leaves his understanding outside; the other enters with a clear head.
* * * * *
HORACE IN LONDON.
TO THE COUNTY COUNCIL. (_AD REMPUBLICAM._)
[Illustration]
New vessel, now returning ship
From this thy tried and trial trip,
Refit in dock awhile: I fear
Your ballast looks a trifle queer.
Your rigging ("rigging" is a word
By other folk than seamen heard)
Has got a little loose; you need
An overhaul, you do indeed.
Your sails (or purchases?) should stay
The stress--and Press--that on them weigh:
This constant playing to the gods
Will scarcely weather blustering odds.
In vain to blazon "London's Heart"
As figure-head, if thus you part
Unseaworthy; in vain to boast
Your "boom"--a cranky boom at most.
We rate you, _we_ who pay your rates:
Beware the overhauling fates,
Beware lest down you go at last
The sport and puppet of the blast.
I always voted you a bore,
But never quite so much before
Besought you with a frugal mind
To sail not quite so near the wind.
* * * * *
MRS. R. AGAIN.--To our excellent old lady, being convalescent, her
niece was reading the news. She commenced about the County Council,
the first item in the report being headed, "An Articulated Skeleton."
"Ah!" interrupted the good lady, "murder will out! And where did they
find the skeleton of the Articulated Clerk?"
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN INCOMPLETE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
_Ethel_. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAMMA?"
_Mamma_. "ETHEL, THERE ARE YOUR NEW GOLF THINGS JUST COME, THAT I
ORDERED FOR YOU FROM EDINBORO, AND--ISN'T IT PROVOKING?--THEY'VE
ACTUALLY FORGOTTEN _THE LINKS_!"]
* * * * *
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
PROFESSOR HUBERT HERKOMER has "dried his impressions," and given them
to the public in a handsome volume brought out by MACMILLAN & CO. It
is all interesting even to a non-artistic laic, for there is much "dry
point" of general application in the Professor's lectures. Yet, amid
all his learning and his light-hearted style, there is occasionally
a strain of melancholy, as when he pictures himself to us as
"etching and scratching on a bed of burr." Painful, very; likewise
Dantesque,--infernally Dantesque. But there is another and a more
cheerful view which the Baron prefers to take, and that is, the
word-picture which the Professor gives us of his little room in his
Bavarian home, where he says, "Under the seat by the table are my
bottles"--ah! quite Rabelaisian this!--"with the mordants, and my
dishes for the plates." Isn't this rare! "I should add, there is a
stove near the door." O Sybarite! Doesn't this suggest the notion of a
delightful little dinner _a deux_! With "the mordants,"--which is, of
course, a generic name for sauces of varied piquancy,--and with his
"dishes" artistically prepared and set before "the plates," as in due
order they should be, he is as correct as he is original. A true _bon
vivant_. The Baron highly commends the book, which only for the rare
etchings it contains, is well worth the attention of every amateur of
Art, and that he, the Baron, may, one of these days, dine with him,
the Professor, is the sincere wish of his truly, and everybody else's
truly,
THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
* * * * *
"STUFF AND (NO) NONSENSE!"--"Begorra, 'tis an ill wind that blows
nobody any good," said The O'GORMAN DIZER, when he heard that on
account of the Influenza there was a Papal dispensation from fasting
and abstinence throughout the United kingdom.
* * * * *
IN THE SEAT OF WISDOM.
At a meeting of the Drury Lane Lodge of Freemasons, said the _Daily
Telegraph_, "with all due solemnity was Mr. S.B. BANCROFT installed in
the Chair of King SOLOMON." This, whether an easy chair or not, ought
to be the seat of wisdom. Poor SOLOMON, the very much married man, was
not, however, particularly wise in his latter days, but, of course,
this chair was the one used by the Great Grand Master Mason before
it was taken from under him, and he fell so heavily, "never to rise
again." How fortunate for the Drury Lane Masons to have obtained this
chair of SOLOMON's. No doubt it was one of his wise descendants,
of whom there are not a few in the neighbourhood of Drury Lane, who
consented to part with this treasure to the Masonic Lodgers. So here's
King SOLOMON BUSY BANCROFT's good health! "Point, left, right! One,
two, three!" (_They drink._)
* * * * *
[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.
THE CHANCERY JUDGES WILL BE EXPECTED TO TAKE THE INFANT SUITORS OUT
FOR AN AIRING IN THE PARK. N.B.--AFTER 4 P.M.]
* * * * *
A QUERY BY "PEN."--There was a "Pickwick Exam." invented by CALVERLEY
the Inimitable. Why not a "Pendennis" or "Vanity Fair" Exam.? _A
propos_, I would just ask one question of the Thackerayan student, and
it is this:--There was one _Becky_ whom everybody knows, but there was
another BECKY as good, as kind, as sympathetic, and as simple, as the
first _Becky_ was bad, cruel, selfish, and cunning. Where is BECKY the
Second to be found in W.M. THACKERAY's Works?
* * * * *
HER NOTE AND QUERY.--Mrs. R. was listening to a ghost-story. "After
all," observed her nephew, "the question is, is it true? True, or not
true 'there's the rub!'" "Ah! 'there's the rub!'" repeated our old
friend, meditatively. "I wonder if that expression is the origin of
the proverb, 'Truth is stranger than Friction?'"
* * * * *
LOCAL COLOUR.--"I should like to give all my creditors a dinner,"
quoth the jovial and hospitable OWEN ORLROUND. "Where shall I have
it?" "Well," replied his old friend JOE KOSUS, "have it at Duns
Table."
* * * * *
CITY MEN.--"Hope springs eternal," and the motto for a probable
Lord Mayor in the not very dim and distant future must be "_Knill
desperandum_."
* * * * *
DOGS AND CATS--(CORRESPONDENCE.)--Sir,--A recent letter to the
_Spectator_ mentions the case of a man who "barked like a dog in his
sleep." The writer would like to know if anyone has ever had a similar
experience. Well, Sir, I knew a whole family of BARKERS, but I never
heard them bark. I knew three CATTS, sisters, who kept a shop, and
came from Cheshire; yet they were very serious persons, and never
grinned. Since this experience I have doubted the simile of the
Cheshire specimen of the feline race being founded on fact.--Yours,
&c.,
CATO.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE WESTMINSTER WAXWORK SHOW FOR THE SESSION 1892.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.
AFTER LUNCHEON THE "BEATING" IS A LITTLE WILD.]
* * * * *
WEATHER REFORM.
SIR,--Acquiescence in the state of the weather is no longer _comme
il faut_. Bombarding the Empyrean is as little regarded as throwing
stones at monkeys, that they may make reprisals with cocoa-nuts; yet
the success of the rain-makers is very doubtful. Their premisses even
are disallowed by many considerable authorities. The little experiment
which I propose to submit to the meteorological officials is founded
on a fact of universal experience, and, if successful, would be of
immense utility. Every smoker must be aware that the force of the wind
varies inversely as the number of matches. On an absolutely still day,
with a heavy pall of fog over the streets, the striking of the last
match to light a pipe is invariably accompanied by a breeze, just
strong enough to extinguish the nascent flame. Now if two or three
thousand men simultaneously struck a last match, the resulting wind
would be of very respectable strength--anemometer could tell that.
My proposal then, is this. When anticyclonic conditions next prevail,
and the great smoke-cloud incubates its cletch of microbes, let some
5,000 men, provided at the public expense with a pipe of tobacco and
one match each, be stationed in the City, at every corner and along
the streets, like the police on Lord Mayor's Day. At a given signal,
say the firing of the Tower guns, each man strikes his match. Judging
from the invariable result in my own case, this would be followed by
5,000 puffs of wind of sufficient strength to extinguish the lights,
or, better still, to give the 5,000 men some thirty seconds of intense
anxiety, while the wind plays between their fingers and over their
hands and round the bowls of their pipes. Multiplying the men by the
seconds (5,000 x 30) you get approximately the amount of the wind, in
wear and tare and tret. If this experiment were conducted on a duly
extensive scale round London; say at Brixton, Kensington, Holloway and
Stepney; there can be no doubt that a cyclone would be established,
and the fog effectually dissipated. The cost would be slight, and the
pipe of tobacco would afford a welcome treat to many a poor fellow out
of work in these hard times.
Yours obediently, PETER PPIPER.
_The Cave, AEolian Road, S.W._
* * * * *
ROBERT'S CURE FOR THE HINFLUENZY.
I hopes as I shall not be blamed for my hordacity in writin as I am
writin, but it's reelly all the fault of my good-natred Amerrycan
frend. He says as it's my bounden dooty to do so, if ony to prove the
trooth of the old prowerb that tells us, "that Waiters rushes in where
Docters fears to tread!" He's pleased to say as he has never bin in
better helth than all larst Jennewerry at the Grand Hotel, and that he
owes it all to my sage adwice.
[Illustration]
"Allers let Nater be your Dick Tater!" In depressin times like these
here, keep the pot a bilin' so to speak; and stand firm to the three
hesses, Soup, Shampane, and Sunlight.
The Soup must be Thick Turtel, such as Natur purwides in this here
cold seeson, not the Thin Turtel of Summer. The Shampane must be Rich
Clicko, or the werry best Pummery, sitch as you can taste the ginerous
grapes in, not the pore dry stuff as young Swells drinks, becoz
they're told as how it's fashnabel; and the Sunlight can ginerally be
got if you knows where to look for it. For instance now, in one of the
cold foggy days of last month, my Amerrycan frend said to me, "What
on airth, ROBERT, can a gentleman find to do on sitch a orful day
as this?" So sez I, "Take a Cab to Wictoria Station, and go to the
Cristel Pallis, wark about in the brillient sunshine as you will find
there a waiting for you, for about two howers, not a moment longer,
then cum strait back, and you shall find a lovly lunch."
And off he went, a larfing to think how he would emuse himself when he
came back by pitching into pore me. But it does so happen as Waiters
ain't not quite so deaf as sum peeple thinks 'em, and I've offen 'erd
peeple say, that amost always, if you sees the Sun a trying for to
peep thro the fog, and see how we all gits on without him, a leetle
way out of town, on an 'ill, you will see him a shining away like fun!
Well, xacly at 2:30, in cums my frend, a grinnin away like the fablus
Chesher Cat, and he says, says he, why Mr. ROBERT, you're a reglar
conjurer! It was all xacly as you prosefied! I had two hours' glorious
stroll in the Cristel Pallis Gardings in the lovly sunshine!
Hin ten minutes' time he was seated at a purfekly luvly lunch, and a
peggin away with sitch a happytight as princes mite enwy!
In times like these, dine out reglar either two or three times a week,
and drink generusly, but wisely, not too well, and on receiving the
accustomed At, think of the ard times the pore Waiter has had to pass
through lately, and dubble, or ewen tribbel the accustumd Fee. You'll
never miss it, but, on the contrairy, will sleep all the sounder for
it.
Never read no accounts in Noosepapers of hillnesses and sich-like,
and keep a few little sixpences in your ticket pocket; then if a pore
woman arsks you if you have a penny to spare, say no, but praps this
will do as well, and give her a sixpence, and then see her look of
estonished rapcher, aye, and ewen share it to some small degree.
Check a frown, and encouridge a smile, and the one will wanish away,
and the other dewelope into a larf. Let your principle virtues be
ginerosity and ope, and allers look on the brite side of ewerythink,
as the Miller said to the Sweep.
ROBERT.
* * * * *
A HUMAN PARADOX.--The man who gives away his friends without losing
them.
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.