Book: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 25, 1891
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, April 25, 1891
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday Night, April 13._--So long since Lord STALBRIDGE
parted company from RICHARD GROSVENOR that he forgets manners and customs
of House of Commons. Not being satisfied with choice made by Committee of
Selection of certain Members on Committee dealing with Railway Rates and
Charges, STALBRIDGE writes peremptory letter to Chairman, giving him severe
wigging; correspondence gets into newspapers; House of Commons, naturally
enough, very angry. Not going to stand this sort of thing from a mere Peer,
even though he be Chairman of North-Western Railway. Talk of making it case
of privilege. Sort of thing expected to be taken up from Front Bench, or by
WHITBREAD, or some other Member of standing. Somehow, whilst thing being
thought over and talked about, SEXTON undertakes to see it through. As soon
as questions over to-night, rises from below Gangway, and in his comically
impressive manner, announces intention of putting certain questions to JOHN
MOWBRAY, Chairman of Committee of Selection. Ordinary man would have put
his questions and sat down. But this a great occasion for SEXTON. Domestic
difficulties in Irish Party kept him away from Westminster for many weeks.
No opportunity for Windbag to come into action; now is the time, as
champion of privileges of House of Commons. Position one of some
difficulty. Not intending to conclude with a Motion, he would be out of
order in making a speech. Could only ask question. Question couldn't
possibly extend over two minutes; two minutes, nothing: with the Windbag
full, bursting after compulsory quiescence since Parliament opened.
SEXTON managed admirably; kept one eye on SPEAKER, who from time to time
moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like going to interrupt, SEXTON
lapsed into interrogatory, which put him in order; then went on again,
patronising JOHN MOWBRAY, posing as champion of privileges of House, and so
thoroughly enjoying himself, that only a particularly cantankerous person
could have complained. Still, it was a little long. "This isn't SEXTON'S
funeral, is it?" HARCOURT asked, in loud whisper.
[Illustration: A Cameron Man.]
"No," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN; "it was meant to be STALBRIDGE'S; but I
fancy SEXTON will save him from full inconvenience of the ceremony."
So it turned out; House tired of business long before Windbag SEXTON had
blown himself out. Poor JOHN MOWBRAY admittedly flabberghasted by the
interminable string of questions under which SEXTON had tried to disguise
his speech. STALBRIDGE got off without direct censure, and DONALD CAMERON
abruptly turned the conversation in the direction of Opium.
_Business done._--In Committee on Irish Land Bill.
_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Lords met to-night after Easter Recess; come
together with a feeling that since last they met a gap been made in their
ranks that can never be filled. The gentle GRANVILLE'S seat is occupied by
another. Never more will the Peers look upon his kindly face, or hear his
lisping voice uttering bright thoughts in exquisite phrase.
KIMBERLEY sits where he was wont to lounge. K. a good safe man; one of the
rare kind whose reputation stands highest with the innermost circle of
those who work and live with him. To the outside world, the man in the
street, KIMBERLEY is an expression; some not quite sure whether he isn't a
territory in South Africa. Known in the Lords, of course; listened to with
respect, much as HALLAM'S _Constitutional History of England_ is
occasionally read. But when to-night he rises from GRANVILLE'S seat and
makes a speech that, with readjustment of circumstance, GRANVILLE himself
would have made, an assembly not emotional feels with keen pang how much it
has lost.
The MARKISS should be here. Perhaps for himself it is as well he's away. To
him, more than anyone else in the House, the newly filled space on the
Bench opposite is of direful import. _The MARKISS has no peer now GRANVILLE
is gone; the two were in all characteristics and mental attitudes
absolutely opposed, and yet, like oil and vinegar, the mixing perfected the
salad of debate. The lumbering figure of the black-visaged Marquis at one
side of the table talking at large to the House, but with his eye fixed on
GRANVILLE; at the other, the dapper figure, with its indescribable air of
old-fashioned gentlemanhood, the light of his smile shed impartially on the
benches opposite, but his slight bow reserved for the MARKISS, as, leaning
across the table, he pinked him under the fifth rib with glittering
rapier--this is a sight that will never more gladden the eye in the House
of Lords. GRANVILLE was the complement of the MARKISS; the MARKISS was to
GRANVILLE an incentive to his bitter-sweetness. Never again will they meet
to touch shield with lance across the table in the Lords. LYCIDAS is dead,
not ere his prime, it is true;
"But, O the heavy change, now thou art gone,
Now thou art gone, and never must return!"
It seemed in stumbling inadequate phrase that CRANBROOK, KIMBERLEY, DERBY,
and SELBORNE strummed their lament. But, speaking from different points of
view, without pre-concert, they struck the same chord in recognising the
ever unruffled gentleness of the nature of LYCIDAS--a gentleness not born
of weakness, a sweetness of disposition that did not unwholesomely cloy.
Only Mr. G. could have fitly spoken the eulogy of GRANVILLE. After him, the
task belonged to the MARKISS, and it was a pity that circumstances
prevented his undertaking it. _Business done_,--Irish Land Bill in Commons.
_Wednesday._--Brer FOX turned up to-day, unexpectedly. So did MAURICE HEALY,
even more unexpectedly. Irish Sunday Closing Bill under discussion. Great
bulk of Irish Members in favour of it. First note of discord introduced by
Windbag SEXTON. Belfast Publicans, who find their business threatened,
insist that he shall oppose the Bill; does so accordingly, separating
himself from his party. Brer FOX quickly seized the opportunity; he, too,
on he side of the Publicans, who hold the purse, and, money (like some of
their customers) is tight. So PARNELL lavishly compliments Windbag SEXTON
on his "large and patriotic view"; hisses out his scorn for the Liberal
Party; declares that Ireland abhors the measure, which he calls a New
Coercion Bill.
[Illustration: "The mildest-mannered Man."]
Then, from bench below him, uprises a bent, slight figure, looking less
like a man of war than most things. A low, quiet voice, sounds clearly
through the House, and Mr. MAURICE HEALY is discovered denying Brer FOX'S
right to speak on this or any other public question for the constituency of
Cork.
"If he has any doubt on this subject," the mild-looking young man
continued, "let him keep the promise he made to me about contesting the
seat."
That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers that rang
through House told how they had gone home.
_Business done._--Irish Sunday Closing Bill read Second Time.
[Illustration]
_Friday._--GRANDOLPH looked in for few minutes before dinner. A little
difficulty with doorkeeper. So disguised under beard, that failed to
recognise him; thought he was a stranger, bound for the Gallery. But when
GRANDOLPH turned, and glared on him, saw his mistake as in a flash of
lightning.
"Same eyes, anyhow," said Mr. JARRATT, getting back to the safety of his
chair with alacrity.
GRANDOLPH sat awhile in corner seat, stroking his beard, to the manifest
chagrin of his jilted moustache.
"Awfully dull," he said. "Glad I'm off to other climes; don't know whether
I shall come back at all. If Mashonaland wants a King, and insists upon my
accepting the Crown, not sure I shall refuse."
"GRANDOLPH seems hipped," said WARING, watching him as he swung through the
Lobby. "It's the beard. Never been the same man since he grew it.
"There was a Young Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard.'"
_Business done._--Committee on Irish Land Bill Dropping into Poetry, again.
* * * * *
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