Book: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 12, 1919
V >>
Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, March 12, 1919
Mr. BONAR LAW said that there was no prophylactic against colds so
efficacious as fresh air and plenty of it. Since he had formed the
habit of flying backwards and forwards from Paris he had been free
from any trouble of that kind. He recommended a seat at the Peace
Conference and constant aviation to all sufferers.
Sir Blandon Swaive, the famous physician, contended that there was no
sense in the fresh-air theory. Rooms should be hermetically sealed.
Mr. SMILLIE said that he had given the matter the closest attention,
and he had come to the conclusion that there was no preventive of a
cold in the head so complete and drastic as decapitation.
The meeting was considering Mr. SMILLIE'S suggestion when our
reporter, who had contracted a chill during Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S
remarks, took his departure.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Officer (to N.C.O. in charge of Chinese labour
party)_. "I SUPPOSE THESE CHINKS BLOW THEMSELVES UP SOMETIMES, DON'T
THEY?"
_Corporal_. "OH, NOTHING TO SPEAK OF, SIR--NOT NEAR AS MUCH AS THEY
USED TO."]
* * * * *
JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE.
"NEWS BY TELEGRAPH AND TELEPHONE.
"To-day is Pancake Day."--_Daily Mail_, March 4.
* * * * *
"HIGH-CLASS FISH DURING THE LENTEN SEASON.
"All kinds arrive daily direct from the coast, and prices the
maximum when possible."--_Advt. in Provincial Paper._
To judge by our own fishmonger, they always _are_ possible.
* * * * *
From the report of a prosecution for selling eggs above the controlled
price:
"Mr. ----, for the defence, contended that the lay mind could
assume that new-laid eggs laid by the vendor's fowls were not
within the scope of the Order."--_Birmingham Daily Post_.
In a poultry case the opinion of the "lay mind" should have been
conclusive, but the Bench decided otherwise.
* * * * *
"When is the State going to help mothers with large families? If
the cost of living has increased 100 per cent., then for eight
persons the increase is 800 per cent.
"How many mothers with eight in family have received an increase of
800 per cent. in their income since 1914?--W.W., London."--_Daily
Sketch_.
"W.W., London," should not be allowed to squander his gifts on the
daily Press. We want a statistician like this to tot up the German
indemnity.
* * * * *
THE WATCH DOGS.
LXXX.
My Dear Charles,--You are a lawyer and you ought to know. Yet to
myself, when I compare my profits with those of the Government in this
deal, I seem a model of innocence.
Let me refresh your memory of the facts.
In the Spring of 1918 I was dispensing passports to deserving cases in
the name of His Majesty's Government. In the neutral country where I
was doing this there was a very wicked and a very plausible man, whom
we will call Mr. Abrahams (he has had so many surnames at one time and
another that a new one cannot do him any harm). Rate of exchange stood
at the figure of twenty local francs to the pound sterling, and, as
you would put it, other things were equal.
Mr. Abrahams was obsessed with a desire to see England, entirely for
its own sake. England, also thinking entirely of itself, was obsessed
with a desire not to see Mr. Abrahams. Mr. Abrahams came to my office,
said nice things about me to my face and begged me to let him go.
I said nice things to him, and told him I would if I could, but I
couldn't. He took this to mean I could if I would, but I wouldn't. He
offered me cash down; a cheque for five pounds sterling, or a note for
a hundred francs; I could have it which way I liked. We should call it
for appearance' sake a gift to His Majesty's Government for the better
prosecution of the War.
I thanked him cordially on behalf of His Majesty's Government, but
regretted that I was the victim of circumstances over which I had no
control. Refusing to believe there could be any circumstances which
could stand up against an officer of my power, position and force, he
produced a note for a hundred francs and put it on my table. He then
withdrew, meaning (I gathered) to return to the attack as soon as the
money had sunk in. From this point on, Mr. Abrahams disappears from
the story. It is not the first or only story, as the police will tell
you, from which Mr. Abrahams has disappeared.
My report to His Majesty's Government did not omit a full mention of
the matter of the five pounds or hundred francs offered. It begged for
instructions as to the disposal of the booty which, it stated, lay in
my "Suspense" basket. No instructions could be got, though frequent
messages, saying, "May we now have an answer, please?" were sent.
Weeks passed, and every morning I was tempted by the sight of that
note for a hundred francs lying in the basket. My _moral_ gradually
declined. So did the rate of exchange. So did the barometer.
There came a day, the weather being such that any man who could sin
would sin, when I had in my pocket a cheque made out for five pounds
which I was about to cash for lack of ready francs, and when the
rate of exchange had got as low as nineteen francs to the pound,
which would mean (I rely entirely on the evidence of the bank man)
ninety-five francs for my five pounds. Charles, I fell. Explaining to
myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the
Government was alternatively a cheque for five pounds or a note for
a hundred francs, I put my cheque into the "Suspense" basket and
pocketed the note, _thus making five francs profit_.
More weeks passed; no instructions came, and every day I was tempted
by the sight of that cheque. One bright summer morning, when any man
who had any goodness in him could not help being good, and when the
rate of exchange had risen to twenty-one, I came to my office full
of noble intentions and hundred franc notes of my own. I may mention
in passing that it takes very little money to fill me up. I had just
cashed a cheque of my own at the rate of a hundred-and-five francs to
the five pounds, and I felt robust and self-confident and ready to
do it again. There, on the top of my "Suspense" basket, lay just the
very cheque for the purpose. Charles, I fell again. Explaining to
myself that Mr. Abrahams had clearly intimated that his gift to the
Government was alternatively a note for a hundred francs or a cheque
for five pounds, I put a note for a hundred francs into the "Suspense"
basket, and pocketed the cheque, _thus making another five francs
profit_.
That, my Lord, is the case for the prosecution; but you may as well
have the rest of the story. Instructions or no instructions, I
thought it was now time to send the note for a hundred francs to the
Government. The Government said it had no use for francs in England,
sent back the note to me and told me to buy, locally, an English
cheque, which I was to hold, pending further instructions. It took
some time to arrive at this point, and meanwhile rate of exchange had
had a serious relapse. The hundred franc note bought a cheque for five
guineas. Not feeling strong enough to pend further instructions, I
at once sent this home. More haste, less speed: I forgot to endorse
it. After another period the cheque came back, with a memo. The memo
said: (1) His Majesty's Government had no love or use for unendorsed
cheques drawn in favour of other people. (2) His Majesty's Government
requested me to endorse the cheque, cash it locally and put the
proceeds to the credit side of my expenses account. (3) His Majesty's
Government trusted that Mr. Abrahams would not cause this sort of
trouble again.
Whether it was the stimulus given by this memo, or whether it
was merely a case of giving up the drink and becoming a reformed
character, rate of exchange had, I found when I went to carry out
orders, risen to and stuck at the dizzy height of twenty-three francs
and twenty centimes to the pound. His Majesty's Government has drawn
in the long run (the very long run) the sum of one hundred and
twenty-one francs and eighty centimes, thus making more than twice
as heavy a profit as I had. And yet you have the impudence to tell
me that I am guilty of embezzlement, with corruption.
I can only say I should be ashamed to be a lawyer.
I can only add that I should be happy to be His Majesty's Government.
With all best wishes and enclosing stamps for eighty centimes as
representing your share of the proceeds (including fee for opinion),
I remain,
Yours sincerely, HENRY.
* * * * *
PIVOTS.
"Bermondsey Bill," who used to be
The idol of the N.S.C.,
Began to fight in 17--
P.T. instructor, very keen,
Teaching recruits to jab the faces
Of dummy Germans at the bases.
But Bill, I see, is booked to box
Tomkins, the Terror of the Docks,
And nobody should feel surprised
That Bill has been demobilised.
Although the War upset, I fear,
John Jones's pacifist career,
He did not murmur or repine,
But hurried to the nearest mine,
And stuck it till the "refugees"
Were all transplanted overseas.
In France he saw some dreadful scenes
As salesman in E.F. canteens;
But when the Bosch had been chastised
_He_ was at once demobilised.
A most diverting person, Brown--
The "star" comedian in Town,
And, since he donned a posh Sam B.,
O.C. Amusements, L. of C.
He steadfastly refused to whine
Because he never saw the Line,
But carried on, stout fellow, and
Is now at home, I understand.
A pivot so well-paid and prized
Just _had_ to be demobilised.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Officer (on leave)_. "YOU'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE THE
BISLEY MEETING REVIVED?"
_Veteran Volunteer Marksman_. "YES; BUT THERE'LL BE SOME POOR SCORING.
YOU SEE THERE'S BEEN NO SERIOUS SHOOTING FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS."]
* * * * *
OCCUPIED OPERA.
It was a chilly morning early in January. The Opera at Cologne had
just become recognised as the principal attraction of the place, and
as yet there was no suave interpreter in attendance to mediate between
the queue of representatives of Britain's military power and the
German clerk in the box-office.
I suppose that in some handsome suite of apartments in one of the best
hotels in Cologne an exalted personage with red trimmings spends his
whole time--office hours, of course--in devising fresh schemes for
the sale and distribution of opera tickets to the British troops. The
demand for them is always far in excess of the number reserved for the
military, and fresh schemes for their distribution are inaugurated
every week.
We were still in the days when officers and men of every rank and
every branch of the Army of Occupation used to wait in a democratic
queue for the box-office to open at 10 A.M. It was 9.15 when I took up
my position, beaten a short neck by a very young and haughty officer,
a Second-Lieutenant of the Blankshires. There is always a cold wind
round that corner of the Rudolfplatz, but every officer and every O.R.
turned up his coat-collar, stamped his feet and determined to stick
it. After all, from the time when he waits his turn to receive his
first suit of khaki, every soldier is inured to standing in queues,
and when he has so often stood half-an-hour in a queue for the chance
of a penny bowl of Y.M.C.A. tea he will think nothing of standing
for an hour for a seat at the Opera. For the officers no doubt the
situation had the attraction of novelty.
By the time the office opened the queue reached from the Opera House
steps nearly to the tramway _Haltestelle_, and much speculation was
going on as to how many would be sent empty away. Inch by inch we
moved forward, mounted the steps one by one, and came within the
relative warmth of the vestibule. At last the weary waiting-time was
over; the young subaltern stepped before the _guichet_ and, pointing
to a handbill, demanded in a loud and dignified voice a ticket for
next Monday's performance of "_KEINE VORSTELLUNG_!"
How shall I describe the painful scene that followed--a scene in
which, as a mere Tommy, I had too much discipline to intervene? In
vain the obsequious purveyor of tickets offered a selection of the
world's most popular and celebrated operas for any other day but
Monday. Nothing would do for my officer but _Keine Vorstellung_.
Indeed, as he explained in his best and loudest English, Monday was
his only free evening. _Keine Vorstellung_ he wanted and _Keine
Vorstellung_ he must have. Followed reiteration, expostulation,
vituperation in yet louder English than before, and when at last
he turned away without his ticket he was still convinced that the
authority of the _Britische Besatzung_ had been outraged and defied
by the man behind the window.
I often wonder what he said when the precise meaning of those two
mystic words was revealed, to him. I like to think that it may have
happened at the Requisition Office, whither he had gone to procure an
order to compel that recalcitrant square-head to supply him with the
ticket so unwarrantably withheld.
* * * * *
"Wanted a good Cook; kitchen-maid kept; small fairy."--_Provincial
Paper_.
It is pleasant to come upon a really appreciative mistress.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Little Girl (to Bride at wedding reception)._ "YOU
DON'T LOOK NEARLY AS TIRED AS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT."
_Bride._ "DON'T I, DEAR? BUT WHY DID YOU THINK I SHOULD LOOK TIRED?"
_Little Girl._ "WELL, I HEARD MUMMY SAY TO DAD THAT YOU'D BEEN RUNNING
AFTER MR. GOLDMORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS."]
* * * * *
PTERO-DACTYLS.
(_OF THE PIONEERS OF THE AIR._)
Daedalus, once in the island of Crete,
Finding his host tried to limit his scenery,
Foiled in his efforts to flee on his feet,
Went and invented some flying machinery;
Then, when he thought it was time to make tracks
Free from pursuit, for he felt he could dodge any,
Brought out his wings, which he fastened with wax,
Fitting another pair on to his progeny;
So, if the legend to credence can wheedle us,
First of air-pilots was old Father Daedalus.
Just a few kicks and they're off in full sail
(Science of old wasn't hard on her votary,
So little mention you find in the tale
Made of propeller or joy-stick or rotary);
Silently skimming along in the air
Spoke the paternal and prototype pioneer,
"Mind that your altitude's low, and beware
Fiery Phoebus you don't go and fly a-near!"
Cautious the counsel, but Icarus flouted it,
Flew in the face of his father and scouted it.
Lifting his nose in the eye of the sun,
Waved he his hand to his wary progenitor;
Higher and higher he banked and he spun,
Mounting aloft as away from his ken he tore.
"Who's this," said Phoebus, "my kingdom affronts?
Doubtless, young fellow, your conduct you think witty;
I'll find a method of stopping your stunts;
Dear shall you pay for precocious propinquity."
Forth shot his beams ere the flier detected 'em,
Melting the wax on his wings (that connected 'em).
Down to the depths of the bottomless sea
Icarus crashed with a lightning celerity,
Leaving a name for the ages to be.
"Ha!" chortled Phoebus, "that comes of temerity."
See from the sequel the fitness of things:
Nearly forgotten this early adventure is;
Phoebus is beaten; Time's whirligig brings
Still its revenge in the course of the centuries.
Over the sky, from the east to the west of it,
Man has decidedly now got the best of it.
R.A.F.
* * * * *
TO PSYCHICAL MEDIUMS.
Extract from a tradesman's circular:--
"Mr. ----, who has just been disembodied, hopes to call quite
shortly and will, we trust, be allowed to book forward your
Spring term requirements."
* * * * *
"A letter sent by a Government Department to the Hornsey Borough
Council was so long that it was not read at all."--_Daily Paper_.
But if you think that will discourage them you don't know our
bureaucrats.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FOCH-TERRIER. "I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT SILLY DOG IN
AESOP. I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Monday, March 3rd_.--The terrors of the Statute of Anne having been
temporarily removed, Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN headed a little _queue_ of
Ministers coming up to take the Oath. How the already crowded Treasury
Bench is to accommodate the new-comers it is difficult to see, but
presumably a system of reliefs will be arranged.
The present epidemic was discussed by Captain NEWMAN and Sir JOHN
REES who were not agreed as to whether port is a "preventative" or a
"preventive" of influenza, but were unanimous in thinking that far too
little of it was available.
[Illustration: MR. MCCALLUM SCOTT. "SH-H! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A
DEMOBILISATION ON?"]
On bearing that the liability of agricultural shows to the
Entertainment Tax depended on whether instruction was combined with
amusement, Colonel WEIGALL pertinently asked who was to decide where
amusement ends and education begins. Talking of education, I shall in
future, following Mr. H.A.L. FISHER, try to pronounce Thibetan with a
long "e," but, I hesitate, even on the authority of the MINISTER OF
EDUCATION, to speak of "Febuary."
Since Mr. CHURCHILL became War Minister he has developed a remarkable
likeness to Lord HALDANE. Happily the resemblance extends only to the
_rondeurs_, and not to the occasional _longueurs_, of his predecessor.
How long his Lordship would have taken to elucidate the present
position and future composition of the British Army I cannot estimate,
but it would have been several hours. Mr. CHURCHILL'S survey of the
World, from Siberia to the Rhine, occupied a brief sixty minutes and
included some attractive speculations on the kind of Army we should
need in the future. He hopes, among other things, for an improved
General Staff, composed of officers acquainted with war in all its
phases--land, sea and air--who could give the Cabinet expert advice on
war as a whole, and save it (we inferred) from such hesitations as led
to the glorious tragedy of Gallipoli.
"I thought we had given up war," interjected Mr. HOGGE; and other
Members twitted the Minister with having left out of his account the
League of Nations. But Mr. CHURCHILL, in reply, while expressing the
utmost respect for the League, pointed out that it was not yet in
being, and that meanwhile Britain must continue to be a strong armed
Power.
A number of maiden speeches were delivered during the evening.
The SPEAKER was not in the Chair, but I hope he was somewhere
in the precincts to hear the cheers which greeted the initial
effort--commendably brief and to the point--of his son, Major
LOWTHER, on the subject of courts-martial.
[Illustration: A NEW FORCE IN POLITICS. THE DE VALERA GIRL.]
_Tuesday, March 4th_.--Lord SINHA OF RAIPUR delivered his maiden
speech in a style which promises well for his Parliamentary career.
Accepting the _dictum_ of Lord SYDENHAM that frankness is essential
in Indian affairs, he proceeded to act upon it by administering a
dignified rebuke to his lordship for having suggested that one of the
periodical affrays between Mahomedans and Hindoos was occasioned by
the MONTAGU-CHELMSFORD report.
No fewer than forty-six questions were addressed to the War Office.
But obviously this sort of thing cannot go on. The SECRETARY OF STATE
cannot devote so much of his valuable time to satisfying Parliamentary
curiosity. Accordingly he has appointed a "Members' friend" to hear
complaints and answer questions. Mr. McCALLUM SCOTT has been rewarded
for his consistent admiration--did he not publish a eulogy of "Winston
Churchill in Peace and War" when his hero's fortunes were temporarily
clouded?--and on two days a week will have the privilege of acting as
lightning-conductor.
The most intriguing detail in the story of DE VALERA'S escape
from Lincoln Gaol was the beguilement of the guards by two sweet
girl-graduates from Dublin. But this afternoon Mr. SHORTT curtly
stated--with a twinkle in his eye--that the sentries disclaimed all
knowledge of the ladies. Still, is this conclusive?
_Wednesday, March 5th_.--The friends of the new LORD CHANCELLOR
were becoming anxious lest his natural gaiety should be permanently
suppressed by the necessity of keeping up the dignity of the Woolsack.
They need be under no further apprehensions. A motion in favour of
Home Rule All Round, introduced by Lord BRASSEY and supported by Lord
SELBORNE, furnished him with his chance. Metaphorically flinging his
full-bottomed wig on to the floor he skipped into the arena, executed
a war-dance around his amazed victims, and, before they knew where
they were, got their heads into Chancery and knocked them together
until they were compelled to give in. Talk of the congestion of
Parliament! Why, now that party spirit was in abeyance, Bills went
through with incredible rapidity. As for the supposed ambitions of the
"little nations," what, he asked, did Scotsmen and Welshmen care about
subordinate Parliaments when they were governing the whole Empire? If
the advocates of the proposal really believed in it let them go out as
missionaries into the wilderness, and, if they escaped the proverbial
fate of missionaries, convert the heathen voters to their creed.
Thereupon Lord BRASSEY, his brow bloody but unbowed, intimated that
"a time would come," and meanwhile withdrew his motion.
At Question-time Mr. BONAR LAW indignantly denied a newspaper rumour
from Paris that the British delegates had decided not to demand any
money-indemnity from Germany, but took occasion later on to discount
somewhat freely the election-promises made on this subject by himself
and other Ministers. It would be better, he implied, to accept a
composition than to put the debtor into the Bankruptcy Court. This
is common sense, no doubt, always provided that the Hun does not
misinterpret his reprieve, and, instead of laying golden eggs for
our benefit, resume the practice of the goose-step.
On the Civil Service Estimates, swollen to five times their pre-war
magnitude, Mr. BALDWIN made an earnest appeal for economy. If every
man would ask himself, "What can I do for the State?" instead of "What
can I get out of it?" we might yet emerge safely from our financial
straits. The House, as usual, cheered this fine sentiment to the echo,
and, to show how thoroughly it had gone home, Mr. ADAMSON, the Labour
leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the salaries of Members
of Parliament.
_Thursday, March 6th_.--The CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND announced that
the Government had decided to release such of the Sinn Fein prisoners
as had not already saved them the trouble.
History does not always repeat itself. The first JOSIAH WEDGWOOD
enhanced his fame by a faithful reproduction of the Portland Vase.
JOSIAH the Second, essaying a fancy portrait of the present Duke of
PORTLAND (in his capacity of a coal-owner), was less fortunate in the
likeness, and this afternoon handsomely withdrew it from circulation.
The Second Reading of the new Military Service Bill brought a
storm of accusations against the Government for having broken its
election-pledges. Had not the PRIME MINISTER and his colleagues gone
to the country on a cry of "No Conscription"? The Member for Derby
was particularly emphatic in his denunciation; but Mr. CHURCHILL
effectively countered him by quoting Mr. THOMAS'S own translation of
the pledges in question as meaning "Militarism and Conscription."
A little rift within the Coalition lute was revealed when Mr. SHAW
remarked that some people seemed to want "to make this country a fit
place for casuists to live in;" but the House as a whole took the view
that without an assured peace it would be no place for any one, and
passed the Second Reading by an overwhelming majority.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Conductor_. "OUTSIDE ONLY!"]
* * * * *
THE SENTINELS.
Up and down the nurs'ry stair
All through the night
There are Fairy Sentinels
Watching till it's light;
If they ever went to sleep
The Big Clock would tell;
But, Left-Right! Left-Right!
They know their duty well;
I needn't mind a Bogey or a Giant or a Bear,
The Sentinels are watching on the nurs'ry stair!
Up and down the nurs'ry stair
All through the day
There the Fairy Sentinels
Sleep the time away;
If you were to wake them up,
Think how tired they'd be,
So Tip-toe! Tip-toe!
Go upstairs quietly.
Yes, that's the very reason we have carpets on the stair--
The Sentinels are sleeping, and we must take care.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _She_. "THEY SAY THE VICAR TALKS IN HIS SLEEP."