Book: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 10, 1920
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 10, 1920
"'You seemed to fall into it so naturally,'" I quoted in a shaky
voice.
"Darling," sobbed Cecilia, "I am trying--please--if only you would
take that piece of soot off your nose--" She dabbed her eyes and wept
helplessly.
John rubbed his nose quickly and walked to the door.
"If you want my opinion of dancing," he said bitterly, "I think it's a
low pagan habit."
"'Twinkle, twinkle, little star,'" sang Margery.
"Bah!" said John, and banged the door.
* * * * *
THE NEW UTOPIA.
[Suggested by Mr. J. H. THOMAS'S book, just out, with a Red Flag on the
wrapper.]
O England, with what joy I hail
The master-hand that calms and cools
In THOMAS'S entrancing tale,
_When Labour Rules_.
There will be no more serfs and slaves;
There will be no more feudal fools;
The KING may stay, if he behaves,
When Labour rules.
Workers, in Downing Street installed,
Will never think of downing tools;
Strikes clearly never will be called
When Labour rules.
The hand of brotherhood that knits
At present Tom and Dick with Jules
Will be extended to good Fritz,
When Labour rules.
The vile capitalistic crew
Of human vampires, sharks and ghouls
Will vanish in the boundless blue
When Labour rules.
Our children will be standardized
In psycho-analytic schools,
And brains completely equalized
When Labour rules.
O Paradise! O frabjous day!
When 'neath the flag of flaming gules
Labour shall hold unchallenged sway--
When THOMAS rules.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE ENORMOUS SUCCESS OF _THE DAILY MAIL_
HAT--
--WE LOOK FORWARD ANXIOUSLY TO _THE TIMES_ CRAVAT--
--_THE TELEGRAPH_ COAT--
--_THE CHRONICLE_ QUILTED BAGS
--_THE HERALD_ PATENT SABOTS.
STUDY OF AN IMPARTIAL READER.
=MANNERS AND MODES.=]
* * * * *
=GENF AND THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS.=
"Genf," like "Geneve," is the Swiss for "Geneva." It was selected,
nearly two years ago, as the seat of the League of Nations. In a few
days the League arrives; and I doubt if any person, firm, company,
corporation or league, having provided itself with a seat, ever waited
so long before it came and sat upon it.
You will remember a learned treatise of mine in these pages on the
subject of Lucerne, written in August last, when our PRIME MINISTER
came and sat there. I make my living by writing up the towns of
Switzerland as one by one they get sat on. As there are not more
than half-a-dozen eligible towns in Switzerland, and as we shall have
exhausted two of them in less than half a year, the living I make is
a precarious one; in other words I shall soon be dead. Well, well! A
short life and a merry one, say I. You must admit a touch of subtle
merriment in that word "Genf."
To get to Geneva you provide yourself with a passport, a book of rail
and steamer tickets, a ticket for a seat in the Pulman car, a ticket
for a berth in the sleeping-car and a ticket for the registration of
your luggage. In short, by the time you are in France you will have
had pass through your hands one passport and eleven tickets; and the
first thing you will do upon settling down into the French train is to
compete and intrigue to get a twelfth ticket for your lunch. You will
find that this useless ticket will follow you all the way to Geneva
and will always assert itself when you are accosted by a ticket
inspector. I even know a traveller who arrived eventually at the
Swiss frontier with no other paper of identity or justification; for
a passport which should have given his name, address, motive for
travelling, shape of mouth, size of nose and any other peculiarities,
he could only tender documentary evidence of his having eaten the
nineteenth lunch of the first series of the day before.
Two things catch the eye about Geneva. In the first place it is on a
lake, and in the second place it is always brimful of International
Unions, Leagues, Congresses and Conferences. The lake is navigated
in the season by a fleet of sizeable steamers, and one of these, a
two-hundred tonner, used to call every morning of the season at the
little pier outside my house to take me to business, and brought me
back again every evening. By the pier rests an old, old man whose
only duty in life it is to catch the hawser as it is thrown from the
incoming liner. Twice a day for four months that hawser was thrown for
the old man to catch, and twice a day for four months he missed it. I
spoke to him about this on the last day, and he showed a fine courage
which nothing can depress. Next season he means to try again. As he
will be out of a job in the interval I am plotting to secure for him
the post of naval expert to the League.
Turning from the lake to the international delegates, who abound
in Geneva, it is to be noted that the last lot here were the
International Congress of Leagues of Women. Their main agendum was to
pronounce their complete independence of men. One of these delegates
went for a row on the lake and fell in. She was pulled out again by a
man.
You will find that Geneva was nominated as the seat of the League in
the Peace Treaty of Versailles. Ever since, the people of Geneva have
been busy conjecturing what the League of Nations will do upon its
arrival in Geneva. It will do exactly what you and I would do in
similar circumstances. Stepping out of the station exit it will hurry
off to its hotel. But when Leagues go to hotels they buy the darned
things outright. I don't know what they do about notices on the walls;
alter some and remove others, no doubt. The international delegates
will be requested to ring once for the political expert, twice for the
military expert and three times for the naval expert. If my old man
gets the last-named job they will have to ring rather more than three
times if they want him to come up _at once_ and discuss schemes for
readjusting the various oceans.
As to the other usual decorations of hotel bedroom walls, the notice
will be removed which informs all concerned that the management will
not be held responsible for valuables, unless these be deposited in
the office safe, though this will not be intended to indicate that the
new management has doubts as to the safety even of its own safe.
The "Hotel National," which is the hotel in question, was in process
of complete reconstruction when the purchase took place. A bathroom
has been annexed to every room. Presumably every international
delegate will have a suite allotted to his nation. The question I ask
myself is this, Will he put himself in the room and his secretaries
in the bathroom, or himself in the bathroom and the secretaries in the
room? And the answer I make to myself is as follows: The delegate will
appoint the room to be his room and the bathroom to be his bathroom
and will leave his secretaries to make the best of things out in the
corridor. The suggestion you will probably make is that there are more
suites of rooms than nations; that I must leave you to work out for
yourself. The number of suites of rooms is ascertainable, but no one
seems able to inform me how many nations there are. Personally every
time I pick up a newspaper I seem to discover a new one. However that
may be, the nations are now all formed into their League, and may the
best one win the Cup Final, say I!
F. O. L.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _The Profiteer's Wife._ "HEAVENS! MARGARET HAS ELOPED
WITH THE CHAUFFEUR IN THE CAR."
_The Profiteer._ "_WHAT!_ NOT THE NEW ROLLS-ROYCE?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION.
1914.
"Don't 'e look lovely in 'is uniform?"
"I do like a play wiv a bit of fightin' in it."
"O, ain't 'e sweet!"
"Makes you feel all shiverylike when 'e waves 'is sword an' all, don't
it?"
"Oo, I 'ope they're not going to fire no guns."
1920.
"E's got civvy boots on!"
"Take 'is blinkin' name, Sergeant, an' get 'is blinkin' 'air cut."
"What are yer, Sick Parade?"
"Fall in, defaulters."
"'Oo stole the rum?"]
* * * * *
=FOR THE CHILDREN.=
Mr. Punch comes once more, hat in hand, to beg for help in a good
cause. This time he asks the generous aid of his readers on behalf
of the Victoria Home at Margate, of which Her Majesty the QUEEN is
Patroness. This Home cares for invalid children, from very little
ones of only a few months old, to boys of twelve years and girls of
fifteen. There is room for between fifty and sixty of them and they
stay, on an average, for the best part of a year, during which they
receive careful medical attention, and have all their needs tended,
body and mind. Many of them have lost a leg or an arm and nearly all
have some bandaged limb, yet, with these disabilities, they contrive
to learn the duties of a loyal Scout and are very proud of their
uniform.
The cost of drugs, of surgical dressings and all house-keeping
necessaries has risen enormously and the Home is compelled to plead
for further help. Mr. Punch invites his readers to send for a report
and see for themselves the very touching pictures which it gives,
in an admirable set of photographs, of the life of these children in
their happy surroundings.
All communications and gifts should be addressed to the Secretary of
the Victoria Home for Invalid Children, at 75, Denison House, Vauxhall
Bridge Road, S.W.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Minister's Wife._ "ARE YOU ALWAYS AS FEEBLE AS THIS,
MR. MACPHERSON? DO YOU NEVER FEEL STRONGER?"
_Macpherson._ "AH WEEL, ME'M, AS THE MEENISTER WAD TELL YE HIMSEL',
ANY SMA' MEASURE O' HEALTH THAT AH HAE IS JUST ABOOT MEALTIMES."]
* * * * *
"The Unknown Warrior."
WESTMINSTER ABBEY, NOVEMBER 11TH, 1920.
Here lies a warrior, he alone
Nameless among the named and known;
None nobler, though by word and deed
Nobly they served their country's need,
And won their rest by right of worth
Within this storied plot of earth.
Great gifts to her they gave, but he--
He gave his life to keep her free.
O. S.
* * * * *
THE NEW JOURNALISM.
["In New York Mr. Harding leads by a figure something like
the circulation of _The Daily Mail_. Pennsylvania gives him
a majority which appears equal to the circulation of _The
Evening News_. It is phenomenal."--_The Evening News._]
The method which is being used just now by some of Mr. Punch's
contemporaries to draw attention to their circulations does not, it
will be seen, tend to numerical nicety, though doubtless it has its
advantages from the advertising point of view. The following items of
news are intelligently anticipated.
* * *
The licences cancelled in one district in Scotland, as a result of
the recent local veto poll, total exactly half the number of quires of
"returns" of last week's _Pawkiesheils Gazette_. It is insignificant.
* * *
An analysis of the miners' votes in the Lancashire coalfield proves
that there were as many men in favour of rejecting the Government
proposals as would have provided ten readers for each copy sold (_not_
merely printed) of the last issue of _The Chowbent and Chequerbent
Chronicle_. It is magnificent.
* * *
It is estimated that, if three more distinguished statesmen and
another woman of letters can be prevailed upon to write piquant
reviews of Mrs. ASQUITH'S autobiography, the sale of the work will
probably greatly exceed the numbers of copies of the latest Blue Book
issued by H.M. Stationery Office. It is unthinkable.
* * *
It is confidently expected that, if the protests against a certain
cinema plot can be sustained for a few days longer, as many people
will go to see the show in the first week as there are feet in the
film--without counting those who will sneak round for a free view of
"The Stage Door of the Diadem Theatre." It is good business.
* * * * *
"An ex-Army officer was charged with stealing cooks valued at
51/- from Messrs. ----'s."--_Sunday Paper._
At that price they must have been very plain cooks.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SHRINE OF HONOUR.
"WHO GOES THERE?"
"I HAVE NO NAME. I DIED FOR MY COUNTRY."
"PASS, UNKNOWN WARRIOR."]
* * * * *
=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
_Monday, November 1st._--In response to a renewed demand for the
Admiralty's account of the Battle of Jutland the PRIME MINISTER
made the remarkable statement that it was very difficult to get "an
official _and impartial_ account," but he added that the Government
were willing to publish all the reports and despatches on the subject
and leave the public to judge.
Who shall decide, when Admirals disagree?
Why, JULIAN CORBETT, or the great B.P.
Owing to the unexpectedly rapid passage through Committee of the
Government of Ireland Bill last Friday, the way was cleared for a
number of British measures. Although dealing with the most diverse
subjects they were alike in one respect--without exception they
incurred the hostility of Sir F. BANBURY. Whether it was a proposal
to reduce the dangers of employing women in lead processes or to give
married women in Scotland the same privileges as their English sisters
(including the duty of supporting an indigent husband), or to hold
an Empire Exhibition, or to set up Juvenile Courts, the hon. baronet
found reason for opposing them all.
Once or twice he secured the support of Sir JOHN REES, but for
the most part he was _Athanasius contra mundum_, maintaining his
equanimity even when Mr. HOGGE advised him to "marry a Scotswoman;"
or Lady ASTOR expressed her regret that he had not women, instead of
bankers, for his constituents.
[Illustration: "ATHANASIUS CONTRA MUNDUM."
SIR FREDERICK BANBURY.]
The Government had no reason to complain of his activity, which may
indeed have prevented the intrusion of more dangerous critics; for
despite his efforts every Bill went through.
_Tuesday, November 2nd._--The most striking thing in Lord LOREBURN'S
speech upon Irish affairs seemed to me to be his uncompromising
declaration that he was "no supporter of Mr. ASQUITH." He endorsed,
however, his former chief's demand for an independent inquiry into the
reprisals, but his motion was defeated by 44 to 13.
[Illustration: "No supporter of Mr. ASQUITH."
LORD LOREBURN.]
Ever since Sir W. JOYNSON-HICKS defeated Mr. CHURCHILL at Manchester
he has felt it his duty to keep on his track. Convinced that our
policy in Mesopotamia is due to the WAR MINISTER'S megalomania he is
most anxious to bring him to book. The prospect of a Supplementary
Estimate for the Army seemed likely to furnish the desired occasion.
But when he pressed Mr. CHURCHILL on the subject the alleged
spendthrift airily replied that there was no hurry; "I do not
immediately require money."
The gloom of the daily Irish catechism was a little brightened by an
interchange of pleasantries between Mr. STANTON and Mr. JACK JONES.
On this occasion the latter had rather the best of it. "Golliwog!"
he shouted in allusion to his opponent's luxuriant _chevelure_.
Mr. STANTON could think of no better retort than the stereotyped
"Bolshie!" and when Mr. JONES rejoined with "You ought to be put into
Madame Tussaud's" Mr. STANTON was reduced to silence. But is it not a
scandal that these entertaining comedians should only get four hundred
a year?
On the Agriculture Bill Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN was faced with an
urgent demand for a separate Wages Board for Wales. First he wouldn't;
it would be "an exceedingly inconvenient and expensive arrangement."
But the Welshmen were so insistent that he changed his mind, and when
the vigilant Sir FREDERICK BANBURY challenged the new clause on the
ground that it would impose a fresh charge on the Exchequer Sir
ARTHUR was able to convince the SPEAKER that, though there would be
"additional expenditure," there would be no "fresh charge." Such are
the nice distinctions of our Parliamentary system.
_Wednesday, November 3rd._--When Mr. CHURCHILL, some sixteen years
ago, crossed the floor of the House, his man[oe]uvre was regarded as
a portent, and men talked of "a sinking ship." It cannot be said
that Lord HENRY BENTINCK'S sudden appearance among the Labour Members
created anything like the same sensation, even though he was joined a
little later by Mr. OSWALD MOSLEY. Lord HENRY has always derived his
political opinions rather from his heart than his head, and has lately
developed a habit of firing explosive Questions at Ministers from his
eyrie behind their backs. They will probably find his frontal attacks
less disconcerting.
[Illustration: "OLD GOLLIWOG."
Mr. C. B. STANTON (_As viewed by Mr. JACK JONES_).]
While Lord HENRY was in the House, off and on, for thirty-four years
before discovering that he was on the wrong side, Mr. MOSLEY has made
the same discovery after an experience of barely as many weeks. From
his new perch he inquired this afternoon if Government cement was
being sent abroad, to the detriment of British builders. Dr. ADDISON
contented himself with professing ignorance of any such transaction.
A less serious Minister might have replied that the Government needed
all their cement to mend the cracks in the Coalition.
News that the coal-strike was over reached the House during the
evening. Mr. BRIDGEMAN, always cautious, "understood" that the men
had been "recommended" to go back to work. Mr. ADAMSON, fresh from the
Conference, was much more downright. "The strike," he said, "has been
declared off, and the men return to work." So that's that.
_Thursday, November 4th._--Lord SALISBURY'S complaint that the
Government's policy in Egypt was shrouded in more than Egyptian
darkness brought a spirited reply from Lord CURZON, who declared that
every stage in the negotiations had been fully revealed in the Press.
If no definite decision as to the future government of the country
had been published that was simply because the Cabinet had not yet
had time to make up its collective mind. Judging by Lord MILNER'S
subsequent account of his Mission, it would appear that the process
will be long and stormy. The Mission went to Cairo to sound the
feeling of the Nationalists, but for all practical purposes they might
as well have stopped in London, where they ultimately interviewed
ZAGHLUL PASHA and his colleagues, and obtained information which
materially altered and softened their previous views. The best
Nationalists were not anti-British, but simply pro-Egyptian. Lord
MILNER'S final appeal, that his piece should not be hissed off the
stage before it had been heard, sounded a little ominous.
Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE is not very popular in the House of Commons just
now. When he rose to address a "Supplementary" to the WAR MINISTER
he was so persistently "boo-ed" that the SPEAKER had to intervene to
secure him a hearing. Mr. LOWTHER probably repented his kindness when
it appeared that Mr. MALONE had nothing more urgent to say than that
Mr. CHURCHILL would be better employed in looking after the troops in
Ireland than in reviewing books for _The Daily Mail_.
For the third day in succession Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR essayed to move the
adjournment in order to call attention to what he called "the policy
of frightfulness" in Ireland. This time the SPEAKER accepted the
motion, but the ensuing debate was of the usual inconclusive kind. Mr.
DEVLIN gave another exhibition of stage-fury. He objected to the
word "reprisals" being used for the "infamies" going on in Ireland,
declared that the Government were responsible for all the murders and
prophesied that the present CHIEF SECRETARY, "with all his outward
appearance of great masculinity," would fail, as BALFOUR and
CROMWELL--the House enjoyed this concatenation--had failed before him.
In points of detail Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD conceded a little more to
his critics than on some former occasions. He undertook to consider
whether the Government should compensate the owners of creameries
or other property wrongfully destroyed; and he admitted that some
constables had exceeded their duty, nine of them being actually under
arrest on various charges. But on the main point he was adamant.
Quoting the remark of a police-sergeant at Tralee, "They have declared
war upon us and I suppose war it must be," the CHIEF SECRETARY said in
his most emphatic tones, "War it will be until assassination stops."
[Illustration: "Old Mother Goose was delighted when she saw what a
fine bird her son had provided her with."
WALES AND SIR A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN.]
* * * * *
STUTTFIELD AND THE REDS.
Stuttfield was nothing of a NERO. He would never have fiddled while
Rome burned. He would have been more likely to imagine that Rome was
burning when there was really nothing more going on than a bonfire.
He is one more example of the pernicious influence of sensational
literature upon a nervous temperament.
It all began through Stuttfield finding a copy of _The Daily Blast_ in
a railway carriage last June. This journal is printed on white paper,
but the tendency of its contents is ruddy--that is to say, it has
"Red" leanings. It was a revelation to Stuttfield.
"Are people _allowed_ to say such things?" he asked me in horror.
"My dear fellow, no one takes it seriously," I said. "Don't you
worry."
But Stuttfield did worry. _The Daily Blast_ had the same effect upon
him as a snake has upon a rabbit; it terrified him, yet he could not
run away from it. In fact he became a regular subscriber and continued
so despite some rumours that it was supported financially by the
Rougetanians--rumours which required, and received, a great deal of
explanation.
Then, through the offices of his man-servant, he obtained a copy of
_The Volcano_.
_The Volcano_ appears to be in advance of _The Daily Blast_ in its
ideals, and immensely so in their expression. But here again I assured
Stuttfield that no one took them seriously. "I don't suppose they
take themselves seriously," I assured him. "They want to sell _The
Volcano_, that's all."
"Yes," said Stuttfield, "but they do sell it, and people read it."
"I expect the circulation's about two thousand a week," I said
consolingly. But Stuttfield, as I could see, was not consoled.
I met him at intervals after that, and on each occasion he seemed to
be more obsessed with the notion that the "Reds" would overwhelm us
all shortly.
"Russia is Red," he whispered; he always whispers now for fear of
being overheard by a Red agent, though there was not very much risk of
that in St. James's Street. "And what about India and China?"
"Red, black and yellow--the Zingari colours," I said ribaldly, and
Stuttfield left me in disgust.
Then I heard from a friend that he had sold his cottage at Redhill.
This was a bad sign, and I went to see him. I found him much worse.
"You've taken an overdose of _The Volcano_," I said.
He seized my arm with trembling fingers.
"The Red Revolution is upon us," he hissed.
I laughed. "Don't you worry about the Red Revolution. You come out to
lunch."
He would hardly be persuaded. Clubs and restaurants would be attacked
first, he thought. If we lunched together it had better be in
an eating-house in Bermondsey. "I have a disguise," he said, and
disclosed a complete proletarian outfit.
"Well, I haven't," I said. "Not that these clothes of mine will lead
anyone to mistake me for a capitalist. But, so far as lunch goes,
hadn't we better be killed by a Red bomb at the Fitz than by tripe in
Bermondsey?"
Stuttfield could not but admit the sense of this, so we started out.
It is widely recognised that Flag Days, however admirable their
objects, have been a little overdone. But it was sheer bad luck that
brought Stuttfield face to face with a flag-seller just as we were
entering the Fitz. She came at him with a determined aspect and began
"The Red Cr----"
It was enough. Poor Stuttfield was across the pavement and into a taxi
before I could stop him. There was nothing for me to do but follow
him.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Waterloo," he answered through blanched lips. I could get nothing
more from him.
At Waterloo he sprang out, leaving me to pay the cab, and disappeared
into the station. I followed as quickly as I could, but he was nowhere
to be seen.
"Where would he go to hide from the Reds?" I asked myself. Suddenly I
had an idea about his destination.
I was right. In the foremost carriage I found him. I tried to persuade
him to come out, but he clung to the rack. So I left him. I have not
seen him since.
I hope he feels safe in the Isle of Wight.
* * * * *
"You can burn your slack cook in oven in our ----
Grate."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._
But now that the coal strike is over we shall try to put up with our
cook a little longer.
* * * * *